Featured Columnist - Charlotte Latvala

12/18/2002


Wish list: world peace, no bifocals

"Please, give me a list this year," said my husband. "Please. I don't want to look at your sad face when Dec. 25 comes around and you have a big fat nothing under the tree."

He has a hard time figuring out what I want every year, despite the fact that he's known me since Bon Jovi had big hair and fringed boots.

And I hate asking for anything. (I'm Finnish and Lutheran; admitting to wanting something for myself is one step away from total decadence.)

So, it's not easy, but here goes. What I really want for Christmas is:

* Peace on earth, good will to men. Obvious.

* A live-in, sitcom-style housekeeper. Equally obvious, and equally unlikely to happen.

* Low-calorie junk food that tastes like junk, not like rice cakes.

* A week off. Even though I'm self-employed, taking time off is only scarier than taking every possible assignment.

* A nontoppling tree. It's a tradition in our family - our trees fall over. Every year.

It's not even remotely interesting anymore. Each time, we invest in a larger, heavier stand, to no avail. So far, this year's tree (anchored in a cast-iron stand the size of a Ford Escort) has fallen over twice. But at least I've learned not to decorate it until it's been upright for at least 48 hours straight.

* To put off buying bifocals for another year.

* An Osbourne-free 2003. Maybe it's just me, but I'm feeling more and more squirm factor set in whenever I encounter Ozzy and company.

As personable as Sharon Osbourne seems, it's impossible for me to forget that she is first and foremost a shrewd businesswoman.

I can't help asking: Is it just unseemly or is it plain wrong to cash in on the private lives of loved ones?

In a world before "Jackass: The Movie," the word "vulgar" may have sprung to mind. Or, like I said, maybe it's just me.

* Speaking of vulgar ... I'd like never to encounter an overweight belly poking out from low-riding jeans.

Hey, I'm no Kate Moss, but at least I have the common sense to cover up body parts that might make passers-by recoil in horror.

* Snow days that happen when I have nothing better to do than build a fort with my kids.

* Time to read all the books I want to read.

* Money to buy all the books I want to read.

* An inspiration piece. My furniture-deprived living room needs help.

And each perky HGTV designer repeats the same mantra: Start with an "inspiration piece" - a pillow, painting, area rug - that you love, and build the room around it.

OK, well, my husband's inspiration piece is a vintage hubcap collection and mine is a stuffed horse from childhood, so I'm sort of dreading the fact that our living room might come out looking like a hideous cross between "The Dukes of Hazzard" and "Black Beauty."

* A day without sibling rivalry.

* Some incompetent friends. I have too many acquaintances who are just too darn good at making elaborate children's crafts, throwing delightful parties, using a round brush when styling their hair and generally making me feel inadequate.

* Never having to hear my kids use the word "awesome" again. Not unless there really is peace on earth, good will to men and a way to get Play-Doh out of the cracks in floorboards.

* To wish a heartfelt Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everyone who's stuck with me this far.

I'm taking next week off. It's hard to work when you've got to drag your Christmas tree off the floor every day.

Charlotte Latvala can be reached online at clatvala@aol.com.