http://www.whartonjournal.com/media/...8.shtml?page=1

In an exclusive interview aired on MTV this past weekend, Jon Bon Jovi tearfully admitted his music has always been "catchy garbage that makes me sick." While this revelation of the obvious comes as no surprise to most of the discerning public, teenagers throughout continental Europe poured into the streets sobbing uncontrollably upon hearing the news. A twelve-year old German girl seemed to capture the prevailing mood of agony and despair, saying "first we lost David Hasselhoff, then Michael Jackson - losing Jon is just too much for us to bear!"

Incredibly, it turns out that Bon Jovi's multi-platinum domestic sales over the past two decades have been grossly distorted. Our careful research has uncovered the fact that only 742 Bon Jovi albums were sold to the band's actual fans in the U.S. during the 1990's, while the remaining millions were purchased by Jon Bon Jovi himself through a network of hair care product companies he acquired in the mid-1980's. With big hair going the way of the dodo in recent years, Bon Jovi's ability to maintain this masquerade has become increasingly difficult, forcing him to come clean with a generally disinterested public.

Most amazingly of all, it turns out that 740 of the 742 Bon Jovi albums sold in the U.S. were purchased by a single devoted fan, prompted by a delusional psychosis that is puzzling to many, and assuredly, a cautionary tale for us all to contemplate. Ethan Prater, the patient at hand, is now heavily sedated and undergoing intense aversion therapy at an undisclosed location. He has been placed in tight confinement and is under close observation by members of a leading psychiatric think tank which specializes in the "correction" of dysfunctional disorders of this magnitude.

The lead physician, B. Springsteen, heading the efforts to save this young man's musical tastes, painted an ugly picture of the team's first encounter with Mr. Prater. "We were contacted shortly after the Bon Jovi interview regarding this poor, deluded wretch, but the extent of his condition far surpassed our initial fears." Springsteen continued, "We found Ethan rocking back and forth in a dark corner of Huntsman Hall, softly humming 'Dead or Alive' to himself while fondling what appeared to be a lock of Jon Bon Jovi's hair. He was unresponsive to our exhortations to snap out of it, limiting his rantings to a stream of incoherent musings about New Jersey being the White Album of his generation. Given his obvious mental incapacity, we were forced to beat him unconscious and quarantine him from the general public, lest his condition spread to innocent bystanders."

Only time will tell if the Herculean efforts of this crack psychiatric team will be up to the daunting task of debugging Mr. Prater. As for the buyer of the two remaining Bon Jovi albums, an APB was issued for Bronco Svec, long suspected of being the mysterious "other" fan. Mr. Svec has eluded capture thus far, and rumors are circulating that he has managed to escape the U.S. with the assistance of a French-based cult dedicated to the worship of vacuous rock music and tasty pastries. We will be sure to provide ongoing updates to this story as additional details emerge.

In conclusion, the only certainty that emerges from these sad revelations is that vestiges of the 1980's, despite our best efforts, linger on in the mental backwaters frequented by the most depraved minds in our society. It is our hope, that much like Polio, we will be able to eradicate this black mark on the soul of humanity, or we face the prospect of unspeakable damage to the progress of human decency as we know it. May God have mercy on our souls.

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Well well well... What do you know?

Ponrauil