Jovi Fanfiction- Maya and Rachel's Crazy Adventure!
Maya and Rachel’s Crazy Adventure
By: Maya (fanatica) and Rachel (RachiePoo)
Scene 1
[Maya and Rachel are in their dorm. Maya is reading a book very intently while Rachel is on the phone]
Maya- Rach, will you just give it up? You’ve been on the phone for the past hour. You’re NOT gonna win those tickets.
[Rachel sticks her tongue out at Maya]
Rachel- at least I’m- hello? Yes! Oh my God… I won?! You’re kidding me. OH MY GOD!!!!!
[Maya puts down her book and stares in disbelief]
Rachel- Ha ha, made you look!
[Maya sticks her tongue out at Rachel and continues reading]
Rachel- Wait… yes, I’m here… AHHHH! OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!! I WON!!!
Maya- Oh stop already! It’s getting old.
Rachel- [ignores Maya][talks in a very shaky tone] Oh, wow!! Thank you so much!!!! I can’t believe this! Yes, my name is Rachel and I’m a sophomore at Monmouth University!
Maya- [is confused] What, are you serious? Did you win? Oh god, did you seriously win?!?!
[Rachel hangs up the phone and doesn’t say anything for a few seconds.]
Rachel- [gets up][has a smug expression] Wouldn’t you like to know…
[Maya shrugs and continues reading again]
Rachel- [On her way out the door, but stops suddenly and spins around] YES! Yes I DID win!!!!!
Maya- AHHHH!!!! This is GREAT!!!! We’re gonna be front row at a Bon Jovi concert!
Rachel- Well… it’s not exactly front row… we’re in row 46… but at least we’re going!
Scene 2
[Maya and Rachel arrive at the concert. Maya is grumbling about paying $15 dollars for parking]
Maya- well, I guess we won’t be getting any merchandise!
Rachel- Don’t worry, I brought my camera and 8 rolls of film!
Maya- Since when do you have a camera?
Rachel- Well, I bought it yesterday… it cost $99.99, not including the film, and it doesn’t have zoom or flash or anything… but I didn’t think we’d be able to buy any cameras here. See? I came prepared!
Maya- Um, Rach… [taps Rachel’s shoulder and points to the merchandise stand] They’re selling cameras here for 10 bucks.
[The lights grow dim in the venue and Maya and Rachel take their seats. There’s a 7 foot muscular guy in a black leather biker’s vest standing right in front of them]
Maya- [in a soft whisper] Can you believe this crappy view?
Rachel- [in a loud, boisterous voice] Yeah! And it doesn’t help that we have this walking flag pole right in front of us!
[Maya buries her head in her hands, while the tall guy turns around and pounds his fist in his other hand, with a angry and annoyed expression on his face]
Rachel- [puts her hands up to her face and looks away with her eyes tightly closed hoping that he doesn’t hit her]
[the guy shakes his head and turns around]
Maya- [in sarcastic tone] Good going Rachel! Well… now how are we gonna be able to see? We gotta get up close.
[Maya and Rachel slip out into the aisle and creep up towards the entrance to the backstage area and stand near the side of the stage]
Security guard- I’m afraid you girls can’t stand here. Let me see your tickets.
[Maya and Rachel hand their tickets over to the guard]
SG- Now you girls will have to take your seats. For safety reasons, you understand.
[Maya and Rachel walk away]
Rachel- [imitating the security guard] Safety reasons, you understand. Yeesh!
[the security guard turns hears her and turns around]
[Maya grabs Rachel’s arm and drags her back to their seats]
[an hour of the concert goes by, Maya and Rachel are trying to enjoy the show but still can’t see]
Maya- This is crap… we should try to get closer again.
Rachel- Uh, do you remember what the security guard told us? [imitating the security guard again] You can’t stand here. For safety reasons, you under-
Maya- Yeah yeah yeah! I know! I mean, we should try to get backstage!
Rachel- [puts her hand up to her mouth and gasps] No! But how?
[Maya whispers something in Rachel’s ear and Rachel starts giggling in a very sinister tone]
Scene 3
[Maya and Rachel both come out of the bathroom very discretely. Rachel is dressed in a black leather jacket, a Shady Brady hat, sunglasses, and leather pants]
[They start walking towards the backstage entrance again]
Rachel- Do you really think this will work?
Maya- Hmm… well, we’ll find out!
[Maya shoves Rachel into the Security Guard and hides behind a trashcan]
Rachel- Oh, um, hi… er… [in a very deep voice] I’m Jon Bon Jovi. I’ve seen a million faces and I’ve rocked them all. Now, I must get backstage… I, um, forgot to, um, wax my chest…?
[Security guard crosses his arms and raises his eyebrows]
SG- Oh, suuure! Well if you’re Jon Bon Jovi, then who is THAT? [points on stage]
Rachel- That’s, um, my double… yeah, for the sake of security and everything…
[Security guard shakes his head and points towards the Exit sign]
[Rachel bows her head and shuffles out]
Maya- Hmm… I guess we’ll have to go to plan B.
Rachel- Yeah, um, maybe YOU can go to plan B. I’m going back to my seat!
Maya- Oh, no you’re not! This plan is fullproof!
[Maya and Rachel come out of the bathroom again, both in very elaborate radioactive jumpsuits and helmets]
Maya- Now, just follow my lead…
[Both start walking towards backstage very awkwardly, like how sumo wrestlers walk]
Maya- Hello, sir. Jon Bon Jovi's sushi has been poisoned with a radioactive substance. We must investigate. Step aside please, good sir. This is very routine, nothing to be worried about.
SG- Do you think I’m gonna fall for this again? Please, for the last time- [gets distracted] Hey, you! Yeah, you over there! That water fountain is NOT a urinal! Hey, I said- [runs after the guy, leaving Maya and Rachel at the backstage entrance unattended]
Scene 4
Rachel- We’re in! I can’t believe it!
Maya- I told you! Now… we have to make sure no one sees us.
[Maya and Rachel crouch down really low and walk very quietly to the band’s lounge room]
Rachel- [picking up a water bottle] I can’t believe this… this is the actual water bottle that Jon Bon Jovi put his lips to… and this! [picks up some hair gel] This is the same hair gel that Jon Bon Jovi put in his hair!
Maya- [picking up nasal drops] And these are the same nasal drops that Jon Bon Jovi put in his nose!
[Maya and Rachel look at each other and shriek joyfully]
[Suddenly, mid-shriek, they hear footsteps and scramble for a hiding place]
Maya- Under the table! Quick!
[Maya and Rachel dive under the table]
[Rachel is trying to squeeze out of her jumpsuit]
Maya- Do ya’ HAVE to do that now?
Rachel- Well, sorry! It’s really uncomfort-!
Maya- Shhh!
[The footsteps get louder. All of a sudden, someone belches]
[Maya and Rachel look to each other with disgusted faces]
Jon- Excuse me. Hey, Richie, can you get me a towel please? I’m drenched in sweat over here.
Richie- Anything you say, boss!
[Jon sits down at the table and stretches his arms]
Jon- Ahh. This is relaxing. That was one heck of a show wasn’t it?
Richie- Sure wa-!
Jon- You won’t speak until I say you can speak! Understand?!?!
Richie- Yes, boss. [bows his head shamefully and leaves for the van]
Jon- Tico, would you mind getting me a glass of water?
Tico- No problem!
Jon- Oh, and Hugh… can you get my chopsticks for the sushi?
[Hugh nods silently]
Jon- TICO!
Tico- [pops his head in the doorway] Yeah…?
Jon- I changed my mind. Make it coffee… de-caff, with no sugar. Well, you know how I like it.
Tico- I live to serve!
[Jon stretches his feet under the table]
[Maya and Rachel, who are on their hands and knees, keep backing up, trying not to touch Jon]
Jon- You know what? [Jon stamps his foot on Rachel’s finger] Tico, I changed my mind again, make it a glass of water.
[Rachel is silently shrieking in pain]
Tico- [from the kitchen] Yup!
Jon- Where’s my sushi?? Dave, I thought you ordered it! [Jon stamps his foot again on Rachel’s other finger]
[Rachel is making spastic motions due to the excruciating pain]
Dave- I did! It’s on the counter.
[Jon gets up to get the sushi]
Maya- [whispering] What are we going to do? We’ve gotta get out of here!
Rachel- [still hurting] I think he broke both my fingers!
[After 20 minutes, Rachel and Maya are still trapped under the table, afraid to make a move]
Rachel- [whispers] Okay, as much as I’d like to, we can’t stay here forever!
Maya [whispers] I know! We have to wait until Jon goes to the bathroom or something.
[Jon’s ashes from the cigarette he was smoking fall on the floor next to Rachel, and Rachel mistakes it for a small fire]
Rachel- [screaming] FIRE!!!!!!!
Jon- Fire? FIRE?! FIIIIIIIREEEEE!!!!!!!!!!
[Maya and Rachel hear panicky footsteps and shouting]
Jon- Save the hair-gel, SAVE THE HAIR-GEL!!!
[Jon screams, running out of the room, overturning the table as he goes]
[The security guard walks over to Maya and Rachel, who are on their knees looking up at him with guilt]
Scene 5
[Maya and Rachel are taken to the police station, where they are with police officer Sandy Bullwinkle]
Police officer- I would assume you girls are old enough to know that yelling “Fire” like that is completely illegal and extremely dangerous!
[Maya and Rachel bow their heads and sniffle]
Police officer- [sigh] Okay ladies, you both get ONE phone call.
Maya- Who should we call? Who’s going to come bail us out?
Rachel- You can call your parents… I know they live 1023.56 miles away but what else will we do?
[Maya tries calling her parents but no one is answering]
Police Officer- Well, I’m going to have to keep you ladies overnight until someone comes and bails you out.
[Maya and Rachel lower their heads again and walk into the jail cell.]
Rachel- [spins around and grabs the bars] We’re too young to be here!
[Meanwhile, Maya is looking awkwardly at their cell partner who is lying tummy-down on the bed, appearing to be not breathing]
Maya- Is he alive?
Police Officer- Sure he is. That’s Crazy Freddie. He’s a little homicidal, but you’ll get used to him. One time he tried to strangle an officer with the telephone cord [chuckles]
[Maya and Rachel look at each other with worried expressions]
[Suddenly, the door to the police station swings open and Jon walks in]
Jon- I’m here to bail these two lovely ladies out
Maya and Rachel- Jon! Our hero!
[Jon is about to hand over the bail money]
Police Officer- HOLD IT! You’re Jon Bon Jovi, aren’t you?
Jon- Why, yes… yes I am. Would you like an autograph? [Gets out his sharpie pen]
Police Officer- Mister Bon Jovi, you have committed THREE crimes! In Buffalo, you spit on the sidewalk, which is against the law. In Baltimore City, you went bowling, which is against the law. And in Pittsburgh, you attempted yodeling, which is also against the law!
Jon- B-b-b-but!
Police Officer- No buts! You march your cute little [Whoops!] into that jail cell!
Jon- [pouting] I’m Jon Bon Jovi! I’m too sexy to go to jail!
[Jon reluctantly walks into the same cell Maya and Rachel are in]
[The police officer walks out of the room]
Jon- I wish I had my guitar! This would be the perfect opportunity to write a song.
Maya- Are you crazy?! We’re in JAIL! How can you be thinking about music!
[Maya grumbles and sits in the corner of the cell]
[Crazy Freddie slowly gets up from his bed]
Crazy Freddie- ‘Ello there… [Cackles] let me introduce you to my friend…
[Crazy Freddie brings out a blade from under his pillow]
Jon, Maya, and Rachel- AAAAH!!!!!!!!
[After 2 hours, Jon, Maya, and Rachel are still in jail]
[Maya is lying down in a corner of the cell, trying to take a nap but is unsuccessful]
[Jon and Rachel are in the other corner playing with each other’s hair]
Rachel- Jon, your hair is so soft and silky! What products do you use?
Jon- It’s all natural, baby! Every night I make a natural concoction of herbs and botanicals, put it in the refrigerator, and then apply it in my hair the next morning, leaving it in for 2 hours before washing it out.
Rachel- Wow! You must tell me the ingredients!
Maya- ERGH!!! I’ve had enough! I can’t believe you two aren’t even the slightest bit concerned that we are in JAIL! I’m only 18! I can’t be in jail!
Jon- Did someone pee in your cereal this morning?
[Maya grumbles and turns her back to Jon and Rachel]
Rachel- Oh, Jon, will you please sing us one of your songs?
Jon- Aw, of course darlin’! [Clears throat] HEY GOD!!!! TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ONNNN!!!! IT SEEMS LIKE ALL THE GOOD SHI-
Rachel- Um, I meant like a ballad or something… How about “Always”?
Maya- [muttering] Figures…
Rachel- What is THAT supposed to mean?
Maya- Nothing! I didn’t say anything
Rachel- All of a sudden you think you’re so “large” and “in charge”?!?!
Maya- Okay, you want a piece of me? [Gets up] Show me what you got!
Jon- Catfight! Rawr!!!!
Rachel- [getting up] Oh, I’ll-!
[Suddenly, the power goes out and because it’s 3:00 in the morning, neither of them could see a thing]
Rachel- Well, I can’t fight you if I can’t see you. [sits back down]
Maya- This is ridiculous. We’re gonna break out of here.
Jon- BREAKOUT! Take these chains from me!
Jon and Rachel- You held my heart for ransom, baby, set it free!
[Maya shakes her head]
Rachel- Maya, I’ve got an idea! We can try to steal Crazy Freddie’s blade and use it to pick the lock!
Jon- Who’s Crazy Freddie?
[Rachel points to Freddie, who is quietly talking in his sleep]
Crazy Freddie- [mumbles] My preeeecious… no one can take away my precious…
[Maya and Rachel raise their eyebrows at each other]
Maya- Okay, here’s what we do.
[All three make a huddle]
Maya- Okay, we need to make sure Crazy Freddie doesn’t wake up while we steal his knife.
Rachel- We can use Jon’s hair-gel!!!
Jon- I see where you’re going… by putting too much hair-gel in your hair, it can cause serious damage to your hair and scalp! Good thinking Rach!
Rachel- Um…
Maya- I think she meant that we could make Crazy Freddie swallow the hair-gel and get poisoned…
Rachel- On second thought… wouldn’t that kill him?
Jon- Oh, nah, Richie and I tasted it once. It only knocks you out for a couple of hours. And the hallucinations are really entertaining.
Maya- Do I dare ask how it tasted?
Jon- Let’s just say that they’re lying when they say it has natural fruit extracts.
Rachel- Okay, so Jon can get the gel in his mouth while I get the blade and Maya keeps a lookout! Are we all clear?
Jon- Hut… hut… hut… HIKE!!!!!!
Maya- [coughs] Uh, okay…
[Jon tiptoes to Crazy Freddie with the bottle of hair-gel, while Rachel is getting ready to snatch the blade]
[Jon drips a few drops of the gel into Crazy Freddie’s mouth, but then Crazy Freddie suddenly wakes up and goes berserk]
Crazy Freddie- [strangling Jon] Yaaaaaaaaaksljfoiwjegiaj!!!!! Bwaaaaaalwjblaalalballaa!
Jon- AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
[Rachel gets frightened but slips the blade out from under the pillow while Crazy Freddie is distracted]
Rachel- [handing Maya the blade] I hope Jon can put up a fight…
[Crazy Freddie starts pulling Jon’s hair]
Jon- Not…. Ouch… not the hair!!!!! OUCH!!!
Rachel- Hurry up Maya! Poor Jon is getting killed!
Crazy Freddie- YAAAAAAALKBJKLASDFJKJSIFFEHOOOOO!!!!!
Maya- Okay… I’m almost done… There!
[Maya snatches the lock and slowly opens the gate]
[Meanwhile, Jon is now using karate techniques to fight Crazy Freddie]
Rachel- Jon, where did you learn karate?
Jon- My wife has beat me up enough times for me to pick it up.
Maya- Well, let’s go! We don’t have much time!
[Jon starts getting tired and pokes Crazy Freddie in the eyes]
[Crazy Freddie screams and falls back onto his bed]
[Jon, Maya, and Rachel quietly sneak out, suddenly an alarm goes off]
Maya- RUN!!!!!!!
[The police officer wakes up at her desk and stumbles around before getting to her feet]
Police officer- You can’t get away!!! I’ll send the dogs after you!
[By this time, Jon, Maya, and Rachel are already long gone]
Police officer- Backdoor runners got away this time, leaves their mark at the scene of the crime.
Scene 6
[Jon, Maya, and Rachel are walking around the streets of New Jersey]
Random person- THERE HE IS!!!!
[Suddenly, a mob of women in their mid-30’s run up and attack Jon]
Maya- Are us fans really that rabid?
Woman #1- I got a strand of his hair!!!!! I GOT A STRAND OF HIS HAIR!
Woman #2- Don’t get too excited hon’, I ripped of a piece of his t-shirt!
[A dark figure slinks away from the crowd holding Jon’s wallet]
Rachel- Okay, we’re screwed! The police are gonna find us now!
Maya- And it looks like Jon’s wallet just got stolen…
[Suddenly, they hear booming drums and trumpets coming down the street]
Rachel- What the…?
Maya- Hey… it’s the annual Eagles parade! I guess they’re making their way to Philadelphia.
Rachel- [cough] Eagles suck [cough] Giants rule. [cough cough]
Maya- There’s a Sorpranos float too…
Jon- HUH? [Jon gets up from the ground, very dirty and torn apart because of the fans] Did you say Sorpranos? Where? WHERE?!?!
Maya- Weren’t you just unconscious a second ago?
Rachel- Maya, LOOK!!!!! Obie’s on one of the floats!
[Maya and Rachel wave to Obie]
[Obie is proudly standing on one of the Eagles’ floats with his impression collection of miniature goats and emus behind him]
Obie- HOP ON!! We’re on our way to PHILLY!!!!
[Rachel looks a bit intimidated by all the Eagles fans]
Maya- Oh, geez, just because we’re Eagles fans doesn’t mean we’re serial killers!
Rachel- Um… riiiiiiiiiight…
[Rachel reluctantly gets on the float, closely followed by Maya]
Rachel- JON! Aren’t you coming?
Jon- There’s no way I’m getting on that thing! I’d die before I got on an Eagles’ float!
Obie- Suit yourself, sucker!
Rachel- I wanna stay with Jon!
Jon- I wanna meet Tony Sorprano!
Obie- He’s not real, dummy!
Jon- [gasps] How dare you say that?
[As the float progresses, Obie, Maya, and Rachel are getting further and further away from Jon]
Rachel- Don’t listen to him Jon! Of course he’s real! JON!!!!!!!!!
So, our story ends with Rachel and Jon sadly parting… while Obie and Maya lead the float singing the “Eagles Fight Song”
Maya and Obie- Fly Eagles fly, on the road to victory. Fight Eagles fight, score a touchdown 1-2-3. Hit 'em low, Hit 'em high, and we'll watch our Eagles fly. Fly Eagles fly on the road to victory.
(Rachel- Except… THEY DIDN’T WIN THE SUPERBOWL!!! HAHAHA!!!!!!!)
Hope you guys liked it!
__________________
~Maya
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02-19-2003, 02:37 AM
THAT'S HILARIOUS!!!!! I can't stop laughing!!! It was very very very funny!! Very very very hilarious! That was very good!! A wonderful job! LOL! Maybe i should've tried getting backstage with those techniques- -Lol. That was great. Very creative and silly. 
