[Sambora_Laura]

Once Again- these have all been sorted to go onto the first page of the new thread- all updated and included!


I have had to do it in two parts because there are too many to fit on one post now! ARGH!


Love
Laura

---------------------------------------------


1.

WoW!

That would be fab- MTV cribs, a Bon Jovi Special!
After all, that's how the Osbournes began!

Who knows?
5 years down the line...
------------------------
6 months after MTV cribs Bon Jovi Special has been aired for the 10th time, and was a massive hit as usual...
scary voice over man:
"From the Makers of the Osbournes, MTV presents...THE BONGIOVI'S!"
------------------------

(Jon is sitting in Sanctuary 2, attempting to write the greatest song in the world)
Jon: woah...we're half way there...no, wait, that's been done...dammit!
*Stephanie walks in, wearing knee-high boots and fishnet tights, and with luminous green hair*
Stephanie; Daaaaaaaad, Jesse borrowed my Mascara again without asking, and now there's none left!
Jon: Steph, sweetie, I'm busy...
Stephanie: You're ALWAYS busy, you never f***ing listen to me any more!
Jon: It's not that I don't listen to you! I've done 11 tours to go with 11 albums, all stood infront of about 6 million decibels of Richie's godawful playing! I'm listening, but I can't hear you! Just write me a bloody note!
(Steph writes him a note, telling him in so many words as to "Go away", and storms off)
Jon: I asked for that...
(Jesse runs into the room)
Jesse: DAD! DAD! Some aliens just landed and kidnapped Copper! Can I have the gun?
Jon: *sighs* No Jesse, you can't have the gun. And don't borrow your sister's mascara without asking! Jesse: But every time I ask she calls me a Jessy!
Jon: Well, in a way, that's true...
Jesse: Oh my ***king god, Dad! You're so ****king immature! I bet Ozzy isn't like this!
Jon: JESSE! That's E-f***ing-Nuff!!!!!!!!! I AM BUSY!
(Jesse storms off to look for some knives to play with. Jon gives up on writing, and walks up to the kitchen, where Richie is eating a sandwich)
Jon: Are you still here?
Richie: (through a mouthful of BLT) apparently so. You still writing crap? Jon: Nope (opens the fridge to get a carton of Milk) Can't even write that anymore.
Richie: I knew passing up that Aerosmith gig was a mistake! Steven Tyler can at least write crap!
Jon: (can't find a glass, so he takes a swig out of the milk carton then puts it back) You write something then!
Richie: Whenever I do, you tell me it's crap!
Jon: Well let me see it again, because I ain't got any better ideas!
(Richie goes off to get his guitar and Jon sits at the piano, and begins to play)
Jon: (singing) Nothing lasts forever, and we both know hearts can change...and it's hard to hold a candle in the cold nov-
(Axl Rose jumps in through the window, along with Slash, who is playing a dramatic "Jumping through the window!" fiddly bit on his guitar")
Axl Rose: Sing that line and I'll sue the pink frills off your underwear, Mother******!!!!!!!!!
(Jon looks extremely depressed and exasperated, and again tries to write something. Then Jake runs in with a knife)
Jake: Daddy! Daddy! Jesse got your gun and he chased Stephanie around the block with it!
Jon: Jake! I...am...BUSY!
(Richie comes back in with his guitar, and Jesse runs in with the gun. He trips on one of the leads from Richie's guitar. The gun goes off and kills Axl Rose and Slash)
Jesse: Oops...
Jon: What did I tell you about the gun?!?!
Jesse: THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! If you hadn't let me run wild, he'd still be alive! You killed him!
Jon: DOROTHEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------


The Osbournes, Bon Jovi style...
Next week- The Samboras!!!!!

Richie: HEATHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!


-----------
2.
-----------

------------------------------------------
The Bongiovis- part 2:
A visit from Mrs B...
------------------------------------------
(Jon is again sat at the Piano, trying to write the greatest song in the world, while Jesse, Jake and Stephanie are at school. Dorothea is practising her martial arts on a mat about 10ft from the piano. Richie is down in the basement pretending to write, but he's actually playing on a playstation with Obie)
Jon: hmmmmmmm...no, no, that's not it...
Dorothea: hai-YAH! (jumps around a bit on the mat)
(Jon looks up, and glares)
Jon: Dot, Darling, is there *any* chance you could go somewhere else?
Dot: Nope! (jumps across the room and kicks a vase into a million pieces)
(Jon flinches as the pieces of the vase hit the deck, and carries on writing. The doorbell rings, and he jumps up to answer it. He answers the door, and Mrs B marches in)
Jon: Hey mom.
Mrs B: (smacks him around the head) Jon! I thought I told you I didn't like the way this hall is decorated!
Jon: But Maaaaa! This is MY house! I'm 40 Years old!
Mrs B: And I gave you the gift of LIFE, SUNSHINE!
Jon: Point taken.
Mrs B: I like Pink
Jon: I hate...
Mrs B: anything but Pink in a hallway, I know you do. So change it!
(Jon mutters something under his breath. Mrs B clouts Jon around the ear, and marches into the room where Dorothea is practising)
Mrs B: Cheeky swine!
Dot: Hi mom!
Mrs B: Hey sweetie!
(she kisses Dot on the cheek)
Practising hard?
Dot: Harder than ever!
Mrs B: (urgently) Jon!
(Jon runs in from the hall, looking worried)
Jon: What's the matter?!?!
Mrs B: Why is the Piano still in the room?! I *told* you that you disturb Dorothea when she's practising!
Dot: Oh no, really Mrs B, I don't mind him being there!
Jon: YOU don't mind ME?
Mrs B: JON! (smacks him around the head again) Move that piano! NOW! (Jon looks scared and runs to the piano, and starts to push it towards the door. As he is, Richie appears in the doorway)
Richie: What the...?
Jon: Don't ask...(keeps pushing the piano)
(Richie ducks under the piano, and pops up the other side)
Richie: Hey Mrs B!
Mrs B: Ricky!
Richie: It's Richie, actually...
Mrs B: Of course, sweetie! How are you feeling?
Richie: I'm feeli...
Mrs B: That's great, just great, but could you get me a coffee, sweetie?
Richie: (shrugs) Sure...Dorothea?
Dot: Not for me.
Mrs B: Thank you Ronald!
Richie: *muttering under his breath* It's Richie, dammit!
(there is a loud crash, followed by several loud bands and crashes, and then one huge thud from the Basement. Obie comes running up the stairs)
Obie: OH MY GOD! IT'S THE APOCALYPSE!!!!!!!!!!!!! SAVE YOURSELVES! (Obie dives out of the window)
Mrs B: Odd young man. Roland? Be a dear and see what that noise was?
Richie: Yes Mrs B...(goes down the stairs, and sees a mangled heap of what appears to be Jon and the Piano) Dude! You Ok?
Jon: (accompanied by discordant piano-ish sounds) I'm...I'm...fine.
(Richie rushes to help him up and out of the mess)
Jon: NO! Is my mother still here?
(Mrs B calls down the stairs)
Mrs B: JON! stop making such a racket! I am *trying* to Talk to Dorothea up here! And Reggie, sweetie, I am *awfully* thirsty!
Richie: I'll be up in a minute, Mrs B!
Mrs B: Very good dear!
Richie: Yes she's still here, dude.
(Richie goes to help Jon Up out of the mess)
Jon: NOOOOOO! Leave me here! Let me die!!!!!!!!!!!!

---------------
finis
---------------


----------------
3.
----------------

The shopping trip! I don't know what shops you have in America, so I'll use Wal-mart (which I think you have) British people, where you see Wal-mart, read Tesco's/Sainbury's/Marks and Sparks, French People read Intermarche/Super U/Continent, and I'm afraid for the rest of you, I don't know what your big shops are! It's just meant to be a big store that sells pretty much everything!

Oh, and Americans! A shopping trolley is what you call a shopping cart, I believe. Metal cage on wheels that you put your stuff in!


Enjoy!

-------------------------------------
(Jon has been sent out by Dorothea and the militant Italian mother, Mrs B, to go shopping. Obie goes with him to keep him company.)
-------------------------------------

Dorothea: (calling from inside the house) Don't forget the potatoes!
Mrs B: Or my special pasta sauce!!!!!
Jon: (calling back) I WON'T!!!!!!
Obie: (getting into the car) Yes you will. You always do, and she always clouts you one when you do.
Jon: Obie, I have a wife, a daughter and a mother. I do not need to have my faults pointed out by you! They give me a weekly list.
Obie: Just saying, boss.
Jon: Well don't! (he turns the radio on, and the DJ does a voice over)

DJ: Let's lighten the mood with some comedy! Here's an ancient classic, all the way from back in the eighties, when style was taken out of the dictionary, and talent was taken out of the music industry! It's scrawny old Rockers Bon Jovi, and there once-upon-a-hit-single, Living in...sorry, on, a prayer! After this, I promise there'll be some REAL music!

(Living on a Prayer begins to play, and Jon looks furious)

Obie: Now boss, he didn't mean it...
Jon: (mildly hyperventilating) Did...you...hear...him?!?!?!
Obie: It was all in good humour! And anyway, what does he know?!?! He's a DJ for god's sake! I mean...
Jon: OBIE! he called us OLD! he called us SCRAWNY! HE CALLED OUR GREATEST WORK A ONCE-UPON-A-HIT-SINGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GRAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!

(the car swerves as Jon has an apparent anger fit, and Obie grabs onto the dashboard for dear life. They speed the rest of the way to Wal-Mart, and when they get there, Jon swings into a carparking space at top speed, knocking the wing mirror of the car beside him)

Obie: Er, boss, this is the disabled bay...
Jon: DO YOU THINK I CARE?!?!?! And anyway! (sounding wounded) I am disabled! I'm old and scrawny...
Obie: *silence*
Jon: (annoyed) Feel free to jump in and disagree whenever you like!
Obie: Oh, er...well, I just thought that it went without saying!
Jon: Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure you did!

(They walk into Wal-Mart, and as they enter, they both look left, then right in perfect unison, and then they both don a pair of dark glasses. Obie produces Mrs B and Dorothea's list)

Obie: Right, we need Vegetables- including Potatoes.
Jon: Ok, let's go.

(They trundle off down the vegetable isle, and Jon pushes the shopping trolley while Obie picks up the stuff.)

Jon: Obie, if you hadn't been a technician, what would you have been?
Obie: It was always my dream to be a teacher...
Jon: Wow, you would have made an excellent teacher.
Obie: No, I wouldn't. I just said it was always my dream, because I hate children, and a teacher has supreme power of those little brats. I would never have been a teacher, they wouldn't have let me in. I just said it was my dream.
Jon: oh.
Obie: I would probably have worked at Pizza hut...or maybe at Hugh's father's restaurant. You know the one?
Jon: MacDonalds?
Obie: yeah...that's the one...What makes you ask, Boss?
Jon: Oh, it was just that DJ. What if he was right? What if we'd never made it? What would I have done?
Obie: I'm sure there was plenty you could have done!
Jon: Like what?
Obie: You could have been a teacher!
Jon: I hate kids.
Obie: You have 3 of your own!
Jon: That doesn't mean I like kids. That means Dorothea likes kids, and my mother wants Grandchildren.
Obie: You love them really.
Jon: Only until they can talk, of course...
Obie: Well, of course!

(suddenly, a girl across at the Deli counter spots Obie and Jon, and screams)

Girl: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! IT'S HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(all the other women in the store scream and shout, and run for them)

Jon & Obie together: OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

(they spin around and run as fast as they can, but the women stay in hot pursuit)

Various women: WE LOVE YOU!!! COME BACK!!!!!

(the chase continues for many minutes, and the store security guards are powerless to stop the screaming hordes. Eventually, they corner Jon and Obie in the Sauce Isle, and they give up)

Jon:OK! OK! I give up! What do you want, Autographs? Hugs? I'll do anything! ANYTHING!
1st girl: What the hell are you talking about?!?!
2nd girl: Yeah, we don't want anything off you!!!
Jon: Then why the hell were you chasing me?!?!
1st Girl: We weren't chasing *you*! We're after Obie!
Jon & Obie: WHAT?!?!

(After about half an hour of Obie signing autographs, kissing babies and having his photograph taken, they finally manage to get back to their shopping, and the last thing on their list is Mrs B's sauce)

Jon: I cannot believe that just happened! Obie: (flicking through his file-o-fax) Neither can I! I got 36 phone numbers!
Jon: (glaring) The novelty will wear off, believe me!
Obie: But in the mean time, I'll be phoning Daria, Sarah, Josephine, Diane, Rebecca, Jane, Gwen, Richard...
Jon: Richard?
Obie: Seems like a nice guy!
Jon: Oh. Obie: (putting his file-o-fax away) Anyway, let's just get your mother's pasta sauce, and we'll be gone!
Jon: Ah, there it is!

(Jon reaches up to grab the sauce, and he glances across the isles to the lingerie isle, where he sees a young girl holding up an extremely slinky negligee to herself and looking in the mirror, with a boy who appears a few years older sat behind her, commenting on it, and they both have their backs to him. She turns around from the mirror, and Jon drops the jar of Pasta sauce, covering Obie from head to foot in Mama Amalfi's tomato and coriander pasta sauce.)

Jon: Oh my God...
Obie: WATCHIT, BOSS!!!! It's not like I have anything else to wear, you know!
Jon: STEPHANIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Jon pushes Obie out of the way, and runs across to her. Stephanie looks shocked, and chucks the negligee down quickly. The boy jumps up and spins around at full speed, revealing pierced ears, eyebrows and nose, and a tattoo of barbed wire going right the way around his neck)

Stephanie: DAD! What... a suprise to see you here!
Jon: YOUNG LADY, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING!!!!AND WHO THE HELL IS THAT?!?!

(points at the pierced and tattooed due, who looks scared out of his mind)

Stephanie: er...This is...umm...Charles.
Jon: Charles?
Charles: Yeah, but my posse call me Skullmonkey...oops...
Jon: SKULLMONKEY?!?!
Stephanie: Way to go, skull...
Jon: (to Skullmonkey) So, *CHARLES*, what the hell do you think you're doing here with my daughter?!?!
Charles: (looking really scared) er...shopping?
Stephanie: Dad, please...
Jon: I'll deal with you in a minute, madam!!!! Shopping for what, CHARLES?
Charles: Erm...nothing in particular...OH WOW!

(Obie rushes over, wiping the sauce from his clothes)
Obie: What'd I miss? Charles: Dude, are you Obie O’Brien?!?! You're my ****ing hero!!!!!
Obie: Really? Well, I aim to guide today's youth!
Charles: My 19th tattoo is dedicated to you!
Stephanie: Which one is that?
Charles: You know the one, babe! the one on my...
Jon: BABE???????
Charles: oops...
Jon: RIGHT! THAT IS IT! STEPHANIE, YOU ARE COMING HOME WITH ME NOW!
Stephanie: But Dad! I haven't finished shoppi...
Obie: (to Charles) did I miss something
Charles: Kind of...
Jon: (to Stephanie) NO BUTS! I SAY YOU'VE FINISHED, SO YOU HAVE!

(Jon grabs her by the arm, and begins to drag her off. Then he turns around to Charles again)

Jon: And YOU, my boy! If I ever see you within ten yards of my daughter again, I will remove that tattoo dedicated to Obie, and whatever part of your body it may be on, kapeesh?!?!

(Charles and Obie's eyes widen)

Charles: (terrified) Yes sir!
Stephanie: SKULL! STAND UP TO HIM!
Charles: Er, babe...
Jon: I BEG YOUR PARDON?!?!
Charles: Sorry! I mean, Miss Bongiovi, ma'am, now may not be the time...
Stephanie: You are unbelievable! (storms off to wait by the car)
Jon: Obie! Pay for the shopping! We're leaving!

(Jon storms out after Stephanie, and Obie shrugs to Charles, and takes the stuff to pay for it. He makes his way out to the car, where Jon is sat in the driver's seat, giving Stephanie a lecture on sex before marriage)

Jon: And don't you DARE go thinking that I don't know all you're tricks, madam! Because I've tried them all!
Stephanie: What tricks?!?! Dad, you must think I'm some kind of tart!
Jon: HOW ELSE DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT...THAT THING YOU WERE ABOUT TO TRY ON!
Stephanie: My god, Dad! You are so embarrassing!
Jon: If I ever find out you've been up to anything with that Monkeyskull
Stephanie: Skullmonkey...
Jon: WHATEVER! If I ever find that you have...well, I promise you he won't live to see the light of day again!

(Stephanie sits in a huff in the back seat. Obie finished loading up the shopping, and jumps into the car)

Obie: Nice lad, that Charles! Do you know him, Stephanie?
Jon & Stephanie: SHUT UP!

(they make the rest of the journey back in silence. When they reach the house, Stephanie jumps out of the car and runs into the house. Jon calls after her, but she just runs up to her room. He and Obie unload the shopping, and they carry it inside)

Dorothea: JON! WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?!?!
Jon: Hey sweetie, we had a bit of a prob...
Dorothea: and WHAT have you done to your daughter! She came running in distraught, and your mother has had to go and calm her down!
Jon: You would not BELIVE what she was up to...
Dorothea: And what's this I hear from Charles that you threatened him?!?! He just rang to see if Stephanie was alright!
Jon: You KNEW about him?
Dorothea: Of course I did! Oh to hell with it, I'm going to see if I can undo the damage you've done.

(Dorothea Storms off)

Jon: Well bugger me!
Obie: Well, Ok, but won't Dorothea mind?
Jon: GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!
Obie: Yes boss!

(Obie runs off to the Sanctuary. Mrs B comes down the stairs, looking furious)

Mrs B: What HAVE you done to my Grand daughter?!?!
Jon: Nothing, Mom! I swear, I was only...
Mrs B: you were only NOTHING! Don't answer me back! Now where's my sauce?!

(Jon runs as fast as he can out of the door of the house)

-----------------
finis
-----------------


------------
4.
-----------

I will tolerate no complaints on my portrayal of either Dave or Richie; there is NO BIAS. Dave is stupid, Richie is a nasty drunk. They're even! So no accusations!

I will be losing my computer (has to go in for repairs) tonight, and I don't know when I'll have it back, so while I'm gone, vote like mad, OK? And I will write the conclusion upon my return! Spread the word of the battle to all four corners of Jovidom!

Here we go...

----------------------------------------------
Sanctuary Sound II
----------------------------------------------
After all the holiday festivities are over, Jon, Richie, Tico, Dave and Obie O’Brien are all sat on the floor of the studio, leaning up against the piano, amps and the walls, drinking beer. They’re all wearing dodgy paper Christmas party hats, and Tico is of course wearing his uber-cool sunglasses. Richie has had a *bit* too much to drink!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Richie: Headssssssss up! *throws an empty Budweiser can at the bin, but misses and hits Tico on the head*
Tico: Watch your step, Amigo! They don’t…
Richie: Yeah, yeah, they don’t call you Tico “the Hitman” Torres for nothing. *turns to Dave, who is sat next to the crate of beer* Hey Goldielocks, pass me a beer?
Dave: *does nothing, but looks confused* but Jon’s nowhere near the beer!
Richie: I meant you, curly! Who in their right mind would call Jon goldielocks when we all KNOW it’s a wig, and he’s really bald!
Jon: I am NOT! Just because your wife does the L’Oreal adverts doesn’t mean the rest of us don’t have perfect hair!

(Obie leans over to give Jon’s hair a tug, but Jon smacks his hands onto his head and glares at him)

Just try it, Kenobi, just try it…

(Obie sits back down and looks scared to glance up from his beer)

Dave: So…who’s curly?
Richie: YOU, DAVE!
Dave: Oh.

(Everyone looks at Dave, expecting him to pass Richie a beer. He doesn’t move, and acts like he’s not been spoken to.)

Richie: Er, hello? Earth to perm boy?!?!
Dave: Who’s…
All: YOU, DAVE!
Dave: Well there’s no need to shout at me! *sulks*
Richie: Never mind, I’ll get it myself! *stands up and goes to get himself a beer*
Obie: So….everyone have a good Christmas?
All: *they all nod and mumble in agreement*
Tico: I got three new wives this year!
Obie: Really? Any good?
Tico: Once you’ve been married once, hombre, you know it all…
Obie: Know what you mean. Hugh?
Hugh: huh?
Obie: How was your Christmas?
Hugh: Huge, thanks. We all had MacTurkey burgers at Dad's restaurant. And we all got models of my dead brother, which was nice.
Obie: What's your brother's name?
Hugh: Ronald.

(Dave, Richie and Obie all burst out laughing. Even uber-cool Tico can't help but grin. Jon seems angry)

Jon: Guys! How could you be so cruel! His brother is dead! My god, have you no hearts?
Hugh: Jon, it's ok!
Jon: No Huey, you have to let all the pain out! How did he die?
Hugh: Some kids mauled him because they got the wrong toy in their happy meals.
Jon: Oh my god! That's awful! Hugh, I'm so sorry! *Jon hugs Hugh*
Hugh: Get off me man! I'm fine! He was a b@st@rd. I hated him. I'm glad he's gone!
Jon: What an awful thing to say! Aren't you even sorry that he's dead?!
Hugh: Well, I am sorry that the kids got there first...
Jon: oh. But you said getting the models was nice!
Hugh: One of my principle religious beliefs is that of the Voodoo doll...
Tico: Amigo, he is dead!
Hugh:...let me finish! One of my other principle beliefs is in the afterlife. I rip another part off that doll everyday. He'll suffer. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..eh...*cough cough*


(awkward pause)

Obie: So... Jon, get anything nice?
Jon: Mom got me some pink paint.
Obie: *giggling* Why?!
Jon: *sighs* She wants me to paint the hall Pink. And what mother wants, mother gets.

(They all laugh. After a while, the silence comes back, punctuated by a few lazy yawns. They all down a few more beers, and Jon falls asleep on Obie’s shoulder. Dave is the only one of them who still appears cheerful)

Dave: So…Rich, did you get any new gear for Christmas?
Richie: I have all the gear I want. Just because you don’t, doesn’t mean everyone else hasn’t got everything they want! Don’t you DARE be so rude to me, goldielocks!

(Jon wakes up from hearing Richie’s raised voice, all the others start paying more attention)

Dave: *looking hurt* Well exCUSE me if you’re jealous!
Richie: Of what, you’re hair?!?!
Dave: NO! That MY Lunar Eclipse Album was much more admirable than YOUR p!ss poor effort!
Jon: Guys, don’t you think…
Richie: IT WAS AN AMAZING ALBUM! IT WAS JUST OVERLOOKED, PERM-BOY!!!!!!!
Dave: IT WAS AWFUL, STRANGER-BOY! ADMIT IT! YOU’RE NOTHING WITHOUT US!
Jon: Guys! Calm Down! This can all…
Richie: Don’t get me STARTED on Blaze of Bloody Glory, wig-man!

(Jon looks hurt, Obie and Tico come a bit closer, just in case they need to help break it all up)

Richie: Stranger, am I, Goldielocks?
Tico: *whispered to Obie* True, they don’t come much stranger than Senior Sambora when he’s drunk!
Richie: I heard that, Fidel!
Tico: *putting hands up in the air and looking over the rims of his uber-cool glasses* I mean you no disrespect, Amigo!
Obie: Guys! This is getting too much. There is only one way to settle this.
All: What?
Obie: *dramatic pause* It’s gonna have to be a game of Rock, scissors, paper.
All: *gasp!*

(Obie sets about making a circle on the floor, out of empty beer-cans. Dave steps into the ring first, with a look of forced nastiness on his face. Richie steps in looking what he is. Drunk as a Frenchman. Tico and Jon stand behind Dave, and Obie steps between them.)

Dave: You guys are taking my side? Thanks! I never knew you cared!
Tico: Amigo, would YOU be stood next to Senior Sambora at this moment in time if you had the option?
Dave: Oh.
Jon: But we are rooting for you!
Dave: I’m stupid, but not that stupid!
Richie: You had me fooled!

(Dave steps towards Richie, but Obie puts his arm out to stop him.)

Obie: Now, you all know the rules. Rock blunts scissors; scissors cut paper, and paper wraps around rock. You put your hands behind your backs, and on my count of three, you draw. One round, no best of threes, and then it’s settled. Right?

(They both nod in agreement. There is sweat beading on both their foreheads. Tico looks nervous, and is biting his nails. Jon is terrified)

Jon: Oh god! I can’t look! *buries his face in Tico’s shoulder*
Tico: Amigo! That is Armani you are sweating on!
Jon: *stands up straight and brushes off Tico’s shoulder* My apologies…

Obie: Ready?

(They nod)

Obie: One…








Two…






THREE!

---------------
STOP!

---------------

HERE IS YOUR VOTE! SUPPORT YOUR HERO!

Who should win the Rock, Scissors, Stones competition?
get your votes in as soon as possible!


------------------------------
4 and a quarter
------------------------------

THE VOTE IS OFFICIALLY OVER!


And the final scores are:
(Only votes cast after the episode was posted have been counted)

Richie: 8
Dave: 13


Commiseration’s, Richiedom, but Daveland won!
I shall write the conclusion as soon as I can, and it will arrive at the very latest on Sunday evening GMT.


Thankyou to the voters:

Jovi-obsession, Davidmaniac, Taija,Badlove, *Yume*, neurotica, Mad4Jovi, Carebear, Daveswildnight and Sammii-Bris,who all voted for Dave!

Also, to Mike and eeyore, who switched their votes from Richie to Dave after seeing what a nasty evil drunk Richie was! And to itsjonslifeimdevoted (everyone's favourite illiterate board member) for not understanding the post and voting for Jon, then having it explained and also voting for Dave.

And the Loyal Richie fans whose votes were valued every bit as much as all the people who voted for Dave:

Choclady, Ellie, Lindajb, Dreaminglittlerunaway, The Walrus, Edwin ans Shaun Bon jovi, who all voted for Richie. (And I must confess, had I not disqualified myself from voting, Richie would have had my ballot)


And a special mention to Goose, who voted for himself...


---------------------------
4 and a Half
---------------------------

-------------------------------------------
Sanctuary Sound II
We pick up where we left off...
-------------------------------------------

Obie: One, Two, THREE!

(Jon gasps, Tico crosses himself, Obie jumps out of the way and Hugh just stands there being huge. Time seems to stand still, until Dave and Richie both throw their arms forward in slo-mo, and then they see the result)

Tico: Holy mother of Cuba!
Jon: OH MY GOD!
Hugh: That's huge, man...
Obie: Well this was unexpected...

(They all stand there flabberghasted. Richie had made a paper gesture, and Dave had made a rock Gesture, but in his premature celebration, Richie had attempted to jump into the air with happiness, but as he had been so low to the ground out of concentration, he had jumped full pelt right into Dave's balled fist, and we all know how firm the hand of a professional pianist is! Richie fell to the floor unconscious, and Dave just stood there looking...well...suprised...)

Dave: Did I just...
Obie: Knock out a drunkard with a severe attitude problem and muscles of steel? Yes you did, my mentally challenged friend, and you win by default! Dave: Oh...*looks sad*
Obie: Dave...you WON! That's good...
Dave: Oh right! YEAH! WOOHOO! Who da man?!
Jon: *runs up to Dave and hugs him* I KNEW you could do it, Dave, I just knew you were strong enough! *starts to cry*
Tico: Ay ay ay! *throws Jon out of the way and shakes Dave's hand*...Well done Amigo, you done good. Senior Sambora was a tough match.
Dave: Thanks, man!
Hugh: Dave, I didn't think much of you before...
Dave: oh...
Hugh: ..infact, I thought you were a bit of a jackass...
dave: erm...
Hugh: And you know what?
Dave: What?
Hugh: I still do, but you're one lucky son of a b!tch! Good going, goldielocks.
Dave: Who's goldiel...


(Hugh punches Dave, and knocks him out. Dave and Richie just lie there in a heep on the floor)

Tico: Huey! What the hell was that, hombre?!
Hugh: It had to be done...the Goldielocks thing started off the whole war thing, and I just figured it would save us all a lot of time if I just decked him here and now, because it's obvious I'd have won, because I'm just so huge.
Tico: True, true...
Jon: I suppose it *did* save us time...

(awkward pause)

Hugh: So, who's up for a MacBudweiser at Dad's place?
Tico and Jon: MEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Obie: Can I have a MacFosters?
Hugh: Sure thing, dude.
Obie: alright! But what about Tweedle dum and Tweedle dee here? *he gestures to Richie and Dave*
Tico: They'll live! Cu'mon! Amigo, do not make me wait longer than I have to for my Happy meal!

(They all run off to MacDonald's, Hugh's father's restaurant, and leave Richie and Dave where they are)

--------------------------------------------
finis
--------------------------------------------

I *know* that technically Richie won, but Dave knocked him out, and therefor Dave wins by default! It's all there in the Rock, Scissors, Paper rules, guys!


-----------------------------------
5.
-----------------------------------

-------------------------------------
Backstage
Following a gig in a random country
---------------------------------------

(They all join hands and take their bows, and leave the stage)

Jon: WoooHOO! Was that or was it not a great night for Rock and Roll?!!?
Hugh: It was huge, man
Tico: *hols up a broken drumstick* I broke my stick!
Richie: That's nothing! Look at my arm!

(They all look at Richie's arm, which bears a large Gash)

Tico: But you can grow another arm...I have to BUY another stick!
Dave: Tico, you're rich, you can afford it.
Tico: Hombre, you have not had many wives, have you? They take half, or more, every time!

(Richie leans over hands Tico a piece of paper)

Richie: My Lawyer. Call him.
Tico: *rips it up* No offense hombre, but your lawyer lost you enough to fund all that Plasticness Cher had done. He's worse than mine!
Richie: Fair poin...ay ay AY!

(A very attractive woman comes into the room, bearing a first aid kit)

Girl: Which one of you is Sambora?

(They all put their hands up, but she guesses which one Richie is from the blood spurting from his fore arm)

Girl: So what happened to you?
Richie: Well, I don't really know, I mean I'm usually so resilliant to injury, and I don't feel any pain at al...ARGHG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Richie passes out as she extracts a large splinter)

Tico: My Stick!
Dave: er, Teek? Do you remeber what Richie did last time he got angry?
Tico: No, I don...the rock, scissors, paper episode?

(they all nod)

Tico: Ai chiwowa!!!!!!!!!

(runs away as fast as he can)

Jon: So, who's up for a beer?

----------

Breif, I know, but let me know if you think I should expand on the backstage idea, bringing in fans and the press and whatnot!




-----------------------
6
-----------------------


----------------------------------------
Dry County Meet and Greet
Backstage at a Gig

(author's note: The country in which the gig takes place is the magical country of anywhere land, where Dry County regulars from all over the world all live withing 5 minutes proximity of the venue!)

-------------------------------------

( A crowd of fans are gathering at the backstage door of a Bon jovi Gig. Many a screaming girl is offering herself and her sister to Jon, and crying and screaming, reminiscient of Beatle mania.

Similarly, a smaller crowd is crying and screaming hysterically for Richie, but there are also some guitar virtuosos there asking to be allowed back to see their "Mate" Rich so they can jam with him.

For Tico, many people who would usually be frequenting Las Vegas Wedding Chappels, looking for Husbands that like Multiple marriage, and some scary looking Spanish Mafia.

For Hugh, some Huge people.

And for Dave, mostly Gay men, who are avid fans of his Musicals and consider him a gay icon, and also hairdressers anxious to style his barnet.

Then, a small crowd of 8 people walk through the crowds, proudly displaying their backstage passes. They are the oddest bunch of people anyone there has ever seen; all eccentric, strange and disturbing in their own way, but none of them match. Their passes all have one thing in common, though. Above their (somewhat odd) names are thee words.

Dry County Crew.

They all walk through the crowd, and are let in by the hefty security geezers. A ninth figure joins them, but no one seems to notice the mysterious figure. They walk into a large recieving lounge, and all sit and wait for the band to appear. The mysterious figure slinks into the shadows, and no one notices his presence.

The Band Finally arrive, and greet everyone. They have been told thet some people from a fan site are going to be doing a group interview with them, which is all they knew before they walked into the room. When they enter, the looks on their faces alternate from suprise, to horror, to confusion, to just plain *gotta smile for the fans no matter what planet they're from* grins.)

Jon: er...Hi, everyone! How are you all?

(They all nod in scary unison, some smiling at being in the presence of their heroes like it's they're birthday and Christmas at the same time. Others have their poker faces on.)

Richie: Soooo...you guys enjoy the show?

(Again, they nod in scary unison)

Tico: So, I hear this is going to be a kind of informal interview, right?

(They nod again)

Richie: Can you please stop that? Jon gets paranoid easily...he's had problems with mental health patients before, and any kind of...odd...behaviour scares him.
Jon: *glares* Richie, would you kindly not talk about my mother to these people?
Richie: Sorry Boss!
Jon: DAMMIT RICHIE, DO NOT CALL ME BOSS INFRONT OF THE FANS! *composes himself* So, Are you going to introduce yourselves? *smiles politely*

(Becky Stands up, smiley as ever)
Becky: Sorry your highness, we have been terribly rude! It's just not often that we are in the presence of such musical talent and lyrical genius...(she blushes) and such good looks (she giggles)

(Jon smiles and winks at her, which makes her go even redder)

KRB: For God's sake Becky, sit DOWN!

(She sits out of shock)

Mongoose: Here he goes...look out world...
KRB: Friends, Romans, Bonjovists. I would like to introduce myself. I am KRB, and these are my (he pauses,sneering slightly) friends...

(He points to each one of them in the order that they are sat.)

That there on the end, the one who was just campaigning for Olympic Gushing Gold medal, is Becky. That sadact who feels it necessary to have the last word on everything...
Mongoose: (interrupting) Do NOT!
KRB: ...Is Mongoose. Next to him is our resident argumentative Richie-obsessive, Sambo-Chris.

(Sambo-Chris waves)

Next, we have The one, the only, the greatest waste of space on the entire planet, with some form of "good looks" apparently but who knows WHERE the brain went, it's The Walrus.

(Walrus does a Fonzi from "Happy Days" style pose)

Walrus: Heeeeeeeeeeey!

(Dave winks at him, and he quickly stops looking cool and starts worrying)

KRB: Moving swiftly on, we have a compulsive poll-taker, Hellman. He'll ask you multiple choice questions until the sun comes up. Its people like him who shouldn't be allowed to reproduce. Then, we have the man himself. The man responsible for this Motley Crue (pun intended) of misfits, the man who created DryCounty.com. Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiits PETER!

Peter: Erm, hi.

(They all shake hands and sit down, and after a quick informal chat, they begin asking their questions.)

Becky: (Still flirting with Jon Like there's no tomorrow) So, um, Jon, is it ok if I call you Jon?
Jon: (Still flirting with Becky Like there's no tomorrow) You can call me whatever you like...
Becky: (giggling) Did you enjoy the atmosphere out there tonight?
Jon: (Starts putting on very showy-offy manly-man head of the gang attitude) Well, I always enjoy it, it's a complete buzz, and the audience tonight were fabulous. Shows like these are always a lift, and such a turn on, you know?

(Becky blushes furiously)

KRB: (To Richie) Is he always such an @r$3hole?
Richie: Nope, no, he's reaching new highs tonight, apparently. He goes through phases.

(Jon shoots Richie an Acid glare)

KRB: Will this end soon?
Richie: Nope.
KRB: Oh my God...
Tico: (to KRB) Hombre, you jealous??!?!
KRB: NO I AM NOT! *sulks*
Richie: (whispered to Tico) Jealous...
Tico: Amen to that!

(Sambo-Chris decides it's her turn to ask a question)
Sambo-Chris: So Richie, how do you like touring with Bon Jovi as opposed to on your own? Because you obviously have less control here, and Jn obviously lords it over all of you, and you never get to do anything important.
Richie: Wow. What can I say to that?!
Sambo-Chris: You can stop being rude and answer my question without reverting to evasionary tactics of answering with another irrelevant question!
Richie: But it was relev...

(Sambo Chris gives him the look of death)

Richie: On my own. Definately on my own. (looks scared)
Sambo-Chris: Thought so. Pay up, Goose!

(Goose hands her the fiver that he bet on Richie preferring to tour with Bon Jovi. Chris goes off to fetch a drink)

Richie: That is one scary woman!
Mongoose: Very true. But isn't her @r$£ cute when she walks?
Richie: You like women?!?!
Mongoose: Erm...yeah, why'd you ask?
Richie: Oh nothing, you just give off a kind of gay vibe.
Mongoose: Oh.
Richie: Not that I'm good at spotting stuff like that or anything, because, you know, I don't have much experience with, um, gaiety...
Mongoose: No, no, no, me neither...

(awkward Pause)

Hellmanfrommars: So! This is a question for all of you! Do you find that you:
a) never fight on tour
b) Occasionally have to settle a minor dispute on tour
c) have petty arguments on tour
d) Argue and disagree frequently on tour
e) Fight like Dogs, reguardless of whether you're on tour or not.

Jon: (wasn't paying attention, was talking to Becky) Ummm...F?
Richie: How stupid can you get?!? They only went up to E!
Jon: Well sorr-ee Mr "I'm a genius" Sambora!
Richie: (Pokes his tongue out at Jon)
Jon: (Pulls a face at Richie)

(they carry on like this for a considerable ammount of time, until Sambo-Chris comes back with her drink, and looks furious)

Sambo-Chris: What the HELL do you think you are doing, Richie?!?
Richie: (immediately stops) Sorry, Chris.
Sambo-Chris: (sits back down) That's far more like it. (smiles) Now, where were we?
Tico: I believer Senior Hellman had just taken a poll. To which my answer is A. I NEVER fight, but they fight all the time!
Hellmanfrommars: Jon, I think we may just have found your F) option!
Jon: (sticks tongue out at Richie, but stops when he gets a death-glare from Sambo-Chris)
Dave: Can I ask a question?
Richie, well duh, Goldielocks, you just did!
Dave: Who's Goldi...
Hugh: For the love of God, don't let him start that again!
Jon: Yes Dave, you may ask a question.

(tico shoots a questioning look at Jon, who merely shrugs, and goes back to talking to Becky.)

Dave: Walrus?
Walrus: (back to the Fonzi persona) Yo!
Dave: Do you need anyone to show you around the city? You know, just the sites, pubs, clubs...
Walrus: Yeah! That would be...
Dave:...hotels...
Walrus: Er, no, no thanks Dave. I'm just fine... So! Richie, how's Heather?
Richie: Hmm? Oh, she's fine! She's at home looking after Ava. Nothing to do at the moment.

(Jon stands up and proclaims rather loudly)

Jon: I'm just off to the Bathroom! Then I have some, er...stuff to do, so I might be a while... (runs out of the room with a big grin on his face)

(Peter is just sat there quietly, being polite and observing everyone chat to the band, happy that he has brought about such a wonderful, serene gathering of people.)

Peter: Now isn't this nice?

(He spoke too soon...)

Walrus: So, Hugh, you're a bit quiet tonight!
Hugh: Well, between you and me, I have a bad feeling. I can sense something's up!

(Suddenly, Becky jumps up and declares to all present)

Becky: Excuse me, but I have to go powder my nose! I'll be back in...half an hour or so... (she giggles and runs out of the room)
KRB: Where's she going NOW?!
Tico: Hombre, it does not do to be so possesive of a lady!
KRB: I AM NOT BEING POSSESIVE! I JUST...I...well, I... *he looks like a puppy dog who has gotten lost and is about to cry)
Tico: (puts his arm around his shoulder) She'll come crawling back, Amigo. They always do.

(Peter begins to sense that the atmosphere is getting tense. Something is amiss)

Sambo-Chris: Richie, can you get me another cup of coffee?
Richie: But you're like three steps from the machi...

(She gives him another sonic death glare)

Richie: Yes Ma'am!

(Obediently goes over to the coffee machine, which doesn't work. He kicks it.)

Coffee-Machine: Ouch.
Richie: What the F**K?!?!? (kicks it again)
Coffee-Machine: OWWWW!

(Richie throws the coffee-machine to the floor, causing an almighty crash. Behind it hides the mysterious figure that snuck in behind the Dry County bunch.)

Richie: No, it can't be...
Dave: Woah!
Tico: Holy Mother of Cuba!
Sambo-Chris: No!
Hellman: is this situation:
A) deeply shocking
B) Deeply unexpected
C) Deeply suprising
D) All of the above?!?!
The Walrus: No WAAAAAAAAAAAY!
KRB: What the hell?!
Mongoose: It'S HIM! IT'S HIM!

Peter: ALEC?!?!?!?!

Alec: Yes, yes, it's me! You thought I'd never come back; you thought you were safe! But I have come to seek my VENGENCE!



(He dives onto Hugh, and produces a Bass guitar string from his pocket, and proceeds to try and strangle hugh with it. Tico, Dave and Richie are all mesmerised; they can't believe what's happening, but Peter takes charge)

Peter: DRY COUNTY PLATOON! TO ARMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(they all dive in and try to pry Alec off Hugh, except for Mongoose, who tries to help Alec)

(Becky and Jon burst through the door. Becky's blouse is on backwards and her hair is al messed up. Jon isn't wearing his shoes and he has lipstick smeared all over his face)

Jon: Guys, do you MIND?!?! Keep the noise down! (he spots the ruckus) Hey, what the f**k?!?!


(Peter stands up in the middle of the massive battle, and shouts to Becky)

Peter: BECKY! THE DEVIL HAS RETURNED!!!
Becky: Not...Alec?!?!?!
Peter: THE VERY SAME!
Becky: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR! (she jumps into the frey, and pulls Alec off Hugh, and ties him up with the guitar string)

KRB: Becky! I never knew you had it in you!!!
Becky: KRB, was that a compliment?!?!?!
KRB: NO! *sulks again*

(Everyone pats Becky on the back, and they all wait standing guard over Alec until the police arrive and take him away.)

Jon: Wow guys, you saved Hugh!
Hugh: That was just huge, peeps! Thank you all! Without you, I might not have been here! Well, except you (he looks at Goose)

Mongoose: Hey! I had to make it challenging for you!

(They all say their goodbyes, and Bon Jovi fly on to the next gig. The Drycounty platoon return to their boards, where they check the "The Osbournes Vs. The Bongiovis" Thread to see if there are any updates...)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Short but sweet Valentines special
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon and Richie are out Shopping at mall for
Heather and Dorothea. They are struggling over
what to get them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Richie: (flicking through a shelf of books) nope, nope, nope, nope, heeeeeeeey! Jon, I think I found one!

(Jon comes over to see what Richie has found. It's a leather bound copy of the Karma Sutra.)

Jon: I'm thinking...no?
Richie: Why not?
Jon: Look on page 78.

(Richie flicks to that page and his eyes grow wide)

Richie: Is that even POSSIBLE?
Jon: Remember last year, when I threw my back out gardening?
Richie: Yeah! And we all thought it was funny because you never do any gardeni...oh. (realisation dawns on him) Painful huh?
Jon: You're damn right. Never been the same spine since.

(Richie puts the book back, and they leave the bookshop. They walk across to a florist and go inside)


Jon: What is the obsession women have with getting flowers?
Richie: I think it's a test...
Jon: A Test?
Richie: Yeah. to see if the man loves the woman enough to spend ridiculous ammounts of money on some useles weeds that will be dead and rotting in a week to prove that he loves her.
Jon: Really? I thought it was just the smell...
Richie: The whole think is a conspiracy against us, dude. Never trust something which bleeds for a week and doesn't die. Come on, let's get out of here!

(They proceed across to a Jewellers. Jon looks in the window.)

Jon: Do they sell anythign that isn't in a six figure price range?
Richie: Apparently not!

(they walk away immediately, and spy a chocolate shop)

Richie: JACKPOT!
Jon: YESSSSSSSS! They LOVE chocolate!
Richie: You can't go wrong with a box of Belgian Seashells!
Jon: Or some Swiss truffles!

(they both dash in and buy some elabourately wrapped boxes of choccies, and make their way home to hide them. As they sneak through the hall, they hear Heather and Dorothea in the kitchen chatting. They decide to listen for a bit)

Dot: ...I know EXACTLY what you mean! It's so annoying when he does that!

(they both look worried)

Heather: Yeah, and when they do the pathetic male "forgetting" Valentines day
Dot: I HATE that!

(they both look very smug for being so organised)

Heather: But you know what's worse?
Dot: The chocolates thing?
Heather: Exactly! Couldn't be arsed to make an effort, so they go buy chocolates!
Dot: Unbelievable!
Heather: But Rich and Jon aren't that bad...are they?
Dot: Not even they're THAT bad!

(they both Laugh. Richie and Jon drop the chocolates and run back to the car)

Richie: What was the name of the jewellers again?!?!

------------------
finis
--------------------


Jon's Birthday Special!

Here it is guys- a long time coming again, but my life is one big ball of exam-induced stress, and as much as I love writing the Bongiovis, I can't always find the time. I do make an effort though! And if I were posting three a day, you'd all get bored pretty quickly, wouldn't you?

This episode contains the long-awaited return of Sullmonkey, aka Charles, Stephanie's current boyfriend, and as so many of you requested, Band member nudity. But it's all in good taste and humour! I'm not saying which band member, so as not to ruin the suprise, or put off anyone who's not too keen on that particular band member!


Anyway- here goes!


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon's house is a mass of activity. There are caterers rushing about everywhere downstairs, and various security staff checking and double checking the house. People are running around in mad frenzy at Mrs B's command, preparing for her son's birthday bash, which has been secretly organised by Dot and Mrs B. Jon (who thinks he is just being taken out for a meal) is upstairs in the bathroom getting ready. He's just come out of the shower and has a towel wrapped around his middle and is in the process of shaving, when he hears a sudden, loud knock at the bathroom door, causing him to cut himself.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jon: *cuts himself with razor* Dammit! *puts razor down and holds his hand to the cut* What?!?

(Mrs B's voice from outside the bathroom)

Mrs B: Young MAN, what are you DOING in there?!
Jon: I was shaving, but now I'm trying to stop the bloodflow to my chin. Why?
Mrs B: My Granddaughter is waiting to use the bathroom! And your pointless faffing about and making her wait is getting on my nerves!
Jon: Mooooooooooooooom! I am getting ready for MY BIRTHDAY DINNER! SHe's not even COMING! And she has an en suite bathroom!

(Mrs B and Stephanie can be heard talking outside)

Mrs B: She says it's too small. Which you will rectify asap, yes?
Jon: Ok, but in the mean time...
Mrs B: You will get OUT of the bathroom and let your daughter in! She's going out!
Jon: She's going to a friends house! Why does she need to get ready?

(Mrs B and Stephanie talk again)

Mrs B: (in a different tone) She's changed her plans.

(Jon stops trying to stop the blood and stands bolt upright.)

Jon: To what?
Mrs B: Pardon? I didn't here you, darling, I just said she'd changed her plans...
Jon: (flinging the door of the bathroom open) To WHAT, mother?
Mrs b; None of your business!
Jon: She is my DAUGHTER! Of COURSE it is my business!
Mrs B: I was never so controlling of you and your brothers! When you wer...
Jon: YES YOU WERE! You gave us the Spanish inquisition every time we went to leave the house!
Mrs B: I did no...
Jon: YOU WOULDN'T LET ME OR MATT GO TO SOCCER PRACTISE UNTIL WE WERE 17!!!!!!!!!!
Mrs B: YOU UNGRAEFUL LITTLE BOY! (slaps him) How DARE you! Stephanie is going out, and that is FINAL! (she storms off in a huff)
Steph: Can I go in the bathroom now?
Jon: (startled and annoyed that his mother started his face bleeding again) Yeah, I'm done anyway. But where are you going toni...

(Stephanie runs into the bathroom, and slams and locks the door behind her. Jon sighs, and walks down the hall to his bedroom, and opens the door. Dorothea is sat at her dressing table, drying her hair.)

Dot: Hey Birthday Boy!
Jon: Hey sweetie. Thankyou for my present, by the way, i haven't really seen you to say thanks. Where have you been all today?
Dot: Oh...er, you know, the usual...
Jon: Oh. So where exactly?
Dot: Erm...at the Dojo?
Jon: It was shut today.
Dot: Oh, yeah! That was yesterday! Silly me! I was...erm...at the doctors! yeah, that's where I was...
Jon: Oh? You didn't tell me there was anything wrong?
Dot: No, there isn't! Just a check up!
JOn: But You went for a check up last month...
Dot: (getting irratable)Oh, well, it was...a different check up.
Jon: What kind of....
Dot: *She decides to play her trump card to shut him up* JON! Will you LEAVE IT! For God's sake, women troubles!
Jon: Oh. Right.

(awkward pause)

Dot: I want to get changed.
Jon: Ok.

(pause)

Jon: What?
Dot: Well, aren't you gonna go?
Jon: No.
Dot: Why not?
Jon: You're my wife.
Dot: So that means I have no right to privacy in my own home?
Jon: No! No wait, yes, but that's not what I meant, I meant that you don't...
Dot: Jon?
Jon: Yes?
Dot: Get out.
Jon: Ok sweetie

(obediently leaves the room, still wearing only a towel around his waist. Goes down to the kitchen. By now all the caterers have finished, and Mrs B has given her seal of approval to everything, and locked the door of the room in which the party is going to be held. On his way to the kitchen, Jon trips and falls into a camouflage net which has been layed out on the stairs.)

Jon: JESSE!
Jesse: YES! (speaking into his walkie talkie) Blue whale? Blue whale, do you copy? This is Rubber Duck! We have caught the rabbit! I repeat, we have caught the rabbit! (Jesse shoots at Jon with a BB gun a few times, then runs off to answer the call of his grandmother. Jon is left to wriggle out of the net. After ten minutes, he gets himself free.)

Jon: Damn little brats!

(He continues down to the kitchen, where he finds Skullmonkey drinking a glass of milk. When he sees Jon, he chokes on a mouthful)

Jon: YOU!
Skullmonkey: Sir, It's not what it looks like! I was just going to...
JOn: Leave?
Skullmonkey: Well, no, I was...
Jon: Going to leave?
Skullmonkey: Yes, yes I was...bye then!

(Skullmonkey makes a run for it, and Jon watches from the window, and sees him get into a car not far up the drive and wait)

Jon: The little shyster thinks I was born yesterday! Well we shall see about THAT!

(Jon marches out to the car to yell at Charles some more. Meanwhile, Mrs B is ushering all his friends and family in through the back of the house, and Dot moves them all into the hall. Stephanie told Dot that the last she heard from Jon, he was ready, and Jesse told her he saw him go outside, so se gets everyone ready to yell suprise when he comes in. Stephanie makes her way through the crowd, and kisses her mother on the cheek)

Stephanie: I'm going to the cinema with Charles, Ok?
Dot: Ok sweetie, have a good time! And iff you see your father, tell him to get in here!

Stephanie: Ok!

(she wanders out of the house with her compact makeup set out, applying mascara and staring intently into the mirror, paying no attention to anything else)

Jon: (lecturing Skullmonkey)...and THAT, sunshine, is why you will NEVER touch my daughter! Kapeesh?
Skullmonkey: Erm...oh, hi babe!

(Stephanie gets into the car paying not attention to anything other than her mascara, and gives Skullmonkey a quick peck on the cheek, not taking her eyes off the mirror, and not bothering to shut the door of the car)

Stephanie: Dad, Mum says she'll rn away with Tom Cruise if you're not in the house in 10 seconds.
Jon: Excuse me madam, but where do you think you're going? AND WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL MY DAUGHTER???

(Skullmonkey looks nervous, but then Steph slams the compact shut, and smiles)

Steph: Let's go!
Jon: STEPHANIE ROSE! I Have not fini...
Steph: *glaring hard* Get a LIFE you sad pop-metal relic!

(She slams the door of the car, and they drive off...taking Jon's towel with them, caught in the door)

Jon: (*^&"%%^"(&*^%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(He runs back into the house, and shuts the front door behind him as fast as he can, and turns around.)

All Jon's Family, friends and colleagues: SUPRISE!!!!


---------------
finis
--------------