PART 2
DESPITE my, er, Granddaughter's need to revise for her GCSEs, here is the promised episode, to fill the gap while we wait for The "I'm to busy wasting money on films I don't watch" Walrus to get his arse into his swivelchair and write an episode!
There are MANY cameos by other celebrities in this one, a few by old flames of band members, so let me know if you particularly like any of them being in the Bongiovis, and I'll make a mental note to include them in the future. Check the list at the below to see who the celebrities mentioned are if you're unfamiliar with them- they'll be listed in alphabetical order according to their FIRST name)
Anthony Keidis- Lead Singer of the Red Hot Chili Peppers
Becks: David Beckham, footballer, husband of Victoria/Posh
Cher: Plastic Singer, famous diva, Richie's ex
Christina Aguilera: Young Pop sensation
David Furnish: Boyfriend of Elton John, Fashion designer and journalist
Diane Lane: Jon's Ex-girlfriend, Oscar nominated actress
Elton John: Fairy King of Showbusiness, Godfather of Piano pop
Liam Gallagher: Half of band Oasis, extremely agressive, brother of Noel
Madonna: Cult Icon Entertainer
Noel Gallagher: Half of band Oasis, extremely agressive, brother of Liam
Posh: Victoria Beckham, ex-Spice girl, Wife of David
Russell Crowe: Oscar Winning Actor, Bad ass Aussie/Kiwi
--------------------------------------------
Dave, Hugh, Jon, Richie and Tico are all at a posh celebrity party, organised and hosted by Elton John and David furnish, in aid of nothing in particular, except Elton and David's complulsive party-hosting addiction. Unfortunately, their spouses/partners/children cannot join them, and you know what they say! While the cat's away...
(To avoid any confusion, David Bryan is referred to as plain ol' Dave, David Beckham is referred to as Becks and David Furnish is referred to as David F. Also, I have no idea who Bon Jovi have/have not met in their time, so if any of the people here are their best friends/worst enemies/ex girlfriends etc, etc, or I have interpretted a relationship incorrectly, I apologise. But hey, THIS IS FICTION!)
(Jon, Hugh, Dave, Tico and Richie all walk down the red carpet in customary shades and fixed smiles, waving politely at the assembled paparazzi. They move quickly into the grand foyer, decorated heavily with flowers, and greet Elton and David F.)
Elton: Jon! Richie! Tico! Dave! Huey! How FABULOUS to see you all! It is soooooooooo wonderful to see you all!
David F.: Yes, AbsoLOOTley! We MUST see eachother more often! (He winks at Richie, who takes an instinctive step forward to lamp David F, but Jon Grabs his arm just in time)
Jon
Dragging Richie away while the others follow) Bar, just keep your eyes on the bar! Drinks on Elton and David F. all night! Calm down!
(they all make their way over to the bar, and get the drinks in. The party starts to get going, and after a couple of hours there are people at the buffet table, on the dancefloor and milling around the bar, all having a seemingly good time. Hugh makes his way over to the buffet table, and helps himself to a plate, and being a red blooded east coast guy, the plate is predominantly full of red meat. He spots something he's not really sure about, and decides to ask someone what it is)
Hugh: Er, Excuse me?
Anthony Keidis: Yes, sweet human? May I help you on your quest for enlightenment?
Hugh: Um, maybe...
Anthony Keidis: Then what is it you wish me to tell you? The meaning of life? The secrets of youth? The eternal...
Hugh: ACtually, I was just wondering what this mayo-looking stuff was...
Anthony Keidis: Oh.
Hugh: Do you know?
Anthony Keidis: Not a bloody clue. Sorry mate.
Hugh: Ok, thanks anyway
(Hugh walks off with his plate, having decided not to take any of the mystery stuff. Jon is still at the bar, on his second Muff Dive of the evening, when someone sits down next to him, in Richie's seat, which he was instructed to keep while Richie went to the bathroom...)
Jon: (without looking up, assuming it's Richie) That was quick!
Diane Lane: That's what I used to say to you, isn't it? *glares playfully*
Jon: (eyes wide) Oh my God! (he stares for a while, but finally gets a hold of himself) Er, Hi! How're you?!
Diane Lane: I'm, fine, just fine! And by the way, I'll have a WKD, please. Yourself?
Jon: I er, wel...I'm just fine too! (laughs nervously) Is it a good idea for me to be seen buying you a drink?
Diane Lane: I can think of worse things you could be seen doing for me, Jonny boy! Now what about that drink, hmmm? (playfully twists his hair with her fingers) So how's everything?
Jon: (passing her her WKD, and speaking in a rather uneasy voice) Good...er, I'm Married, and I have three kids...and I'm er, well, married, so that's, ummm, nice...
Diane Lane: Never known you be lost for words, Jonnyboy! All bark and no...*bite*... as they say! And I know you're married! That's what makes it fun!
JOn: Makes what fun?
Diane Lane: Nothing!
(sips her drink, looking amused. Jon looks confused and afraid. Hugh spots his boss in trouble, and makes a beeline for him, complete with plate piled high with food)
Hugh: Boss! The Buffet is absolutely fab! You been over there yet?
Diane Lane: Boss? I certainly remember NOTHING to warrant calling you boss! (she cackles)
Hugh: Oh hello! You're that famous actress aren't you!
Diane Lane: (Having her large ego inflated) Why yes, yes I am! Hugh MacDonald, isn't it?
Hugh: That's the one! And you're...wait, I'll get it...Liz Hurley, Right?!?
(Diane looks horrified, and Jon spits his mouthful of drink out laughing)
Diane Lane: Er, no...no, that's not me...
Hugh: Oh I'm sorry! I meant Catherine Denueve! That's you isn't it?
Diane Lane: DO you think you're funny?
Jon: Hugh...
Hugh: No, no, I don't! *Sees the slightly maniacal look in her eyes* Diane Payne!
Diane Lane: PARDON! (gets up and picks him up by the collar)
Hugh: Eeek! Jane? Kane? Orane? Train?
(Jon sees this as an opportunity to get away from her, and runs off, but bumps into someone on the way, spilling his drink all down them, as they spill a pint all down him)
Jon: Oh My God, I am So sorry! Here, let me get that! (he grabs a napkin off a nearby table and starts mopping up a rather smart dinner suit)
Russell Crowe: Jesus CHRIST! Will you WATCH where the F*&% you're GOING MATE! My God! You Bloody AMericans! All the same!!!
Jon: I'm really sorry! I was getting away from an old flame who was causing trouble! And you weren't exactly watching where you were running!
Russell Crowe: An old flame? No ****! That's exactly where I was going! Meg Ryan, making a scene!
Jon: Ah! Bad luck.
Russell Crowe: You're telling me! No offense about the Americans thing, it's not personal!
Jon: No Problems! But, one thing, Man to man.
Russell Crowe: Yeah, what mate?
Jon: Shall we keep this quiet? I mean, neither of us need to be splashed in the papers in connection with either the wicked witches of the east or west, right?
Russell Crowe: Oh absolutely mate, Mum's the word!
(They smile and shake hands, and walk off. Jon runs off into the crowd, desperate to get out of Diane's range. He carries on walking, and finally spots Tico, surrounded by a crowd of young girls, who are all batting their eyelids like there's no tomorrow. He manages to battle his way out through the crowd, and finally gets to Tico)
Tico: And after that, the senorita was so exhausted, she slept until 2pm the next day!
(all the girls Laugh, Jon Rolls his eyes)
Jon, Teek, we're gonna have to make a move, I think.
Tico: How come, hombre?
Jon: Ghost of girlfriend past haunting me- could make for seriously bad press
Tico: No way! Who?
Jon: Taking a trip down memory "Lane"...
Tico: DIANE?!?! Woah! Couldn't have been worse!
Jon: Tell me about it! We have to get out of here before she gets me into any trouble. I'm gonna go and round up the others, and then we'll go, ok?
Tico: No problem, Amigo. Just say the word!
( Jon runs off into the crowd. By now Richie has come out of the loo, and seeing Diane sat in his place making a bit of a scene with Hugh, he decides best not to go and ask if he can have his seat back. He makes his way across to the buffet table, and starts piling his plate high. SOmeone taps him on the shoulder, making him choke slightly on a spare rib.)
Cher: Long time no see
Richie: NOOOOOOOoooooOOOOOOooOOOOOooOOOooOoOOOOOoooooooo!! !!!!!!!
(He makes a dive over the buffet table, sending his plate flying all over the place. She calls after him, but he daren't look back. He meets Dave on the other side, who is chatting with Posh and Becks)
Richie: Goldielocks! Thank God!
Dave: Oh Hi Richie! Great timing! This is David and Victoria- they're so lovely!
Posh: Thanks every so much Dave! You're a charmer yourself! (giggles childishly)
Becks: (holds his hand out to shake Richie's, who just looks bewildered and scared) Hiya! Richie, is it? Pleased to meet you!
Richie: Oh, yeah. Hi. Erm, I'm sorry but this is really bad timing for me!
Becks: Ah, that's ok! thought there might be something wrong when you lunged out from behind the venitian lillies there
Posh: DAVID! Don't be so stupid!
Becks: Sorry.
Posh: Those are INDIAN lillies! (she pouts)
Dave: (to Richie) Aren't they GREAT!
Richie: Goldielocks! You HAVE to help me out!
Dave: (munching a cocktail sausage) How come?
Richie: (Speaking in a desperate whisper) She's here! (looking around nervously, as if expecting the Gestapo to come take him away at any moment) She's here, man!
Dave: Who?!
Richie: SHHHH! Keep your voice down!
Dave: Oh, Ok. (in a stupidly exaggerated whisper) WHO?!?
Richie: Who?!?! WHO?!?! The scariest woman that every walked the earth, that's who!!!
Dave: SHARON OSBOURNE?!?!
Richie: (slaps Dave) CHER, YOU TWIT!
Dave: oh, her! What's the problem, then?! She's lovely!!
Richie: She's my ex, Dave! SHe'd kill me as soon as look at me!
(at this point Tico walks past, chit-chatting with Christina Aguilera and Madonna, who are both hanging on his arms, batting eyelids and flirting like champions)
MAdonna: So When was it you realised you had superpowers?
Christina Aguilera: And how did you become the Richest man in the world?
Tico: Well, it's all a matter of...
Richie: Tico! HELP ME! SHE'S HERE!
Tico: Amigo, can you not see I AM BUSY HERE (jerks head at the two lovelies on his arms) Jon is sorting it!
Richie: what?!?!
Tico: Jon knows Diane is here!
Richie: NO! CHER!
Tico: Cher?!? CHER?!?! HOLY MARY MOTHER OF CUBA! (To Madonna and Christina Aguilera) I am sorry ladies, i have to leave you now, but we will chat soon! (he kisses them both on the cheek, and they walk off looking disappointed.)
Richie: We have to leave!
Tico: Amigo, I know! You, lie low and keep quiet- Dave and I will fetch Hugh and Jon, you meet us at the door in ten minutes, Kapeesh?
Richie: Kapeesh!
(by this time, Diane has been makingmoves on Hugh all night, but he finally manages to get away, and gets to Tico and Dave)
Hugh: Good GOD! The woman is determined!
Tico: Amigo, we have to find Jon, before she does, and leave! And Richie is in Danger too!
Hugh: How come?
Dave: Plastic Fantastic is here as well!
Hugh: Cher?! No Way!
(they nod vigourously, and begin their search for Jon. They see him by the door, desperately fighting off Diane's advances)
Jon: Diane, Please! I have to Go!
Diane Lane: Nonsense! Come 'ere!
(she lunges at him, and his watch gets caught on her dress strap, but he doesn't notice. While this happens, Richie gets to the door, having made his way to the door without seeing Cher again he bumps into someone he need not have)
Liam Gallagher: Oi.
Noel Gallagher: Mister ^&%(&*^$ bigshot.
Richie: Oh...hey! I'm a big fan!
Liam: &%&^ you are!
Noel: You and your ()&£"*( guitar!
Liam: You called us ^&$*ing spoilt, you little ^&%*&!
Richie: (Looking annoyed, and only slightly nervous) Hey, guys! This is neither the time nor the place! And people have said far worse about you! Did you not read the rest of what I said?!?
Liam: No. Like we'd read any (&%%$ that came from your mouth.
Noel: Yeah, what he %$&^ing said.
Richie: Well, I'm sorry guys, but I was extremely complimentary about you, and the spoilt thing was a quote taken out of context! I ain't looking for a fight.
Liam: Well we are!
(Noel throws the first punch, and it all goes down hill from there. Considering it's two on one, Richie puts up an excellent fight.But it all gets a bit too much, and Richie falls backwards, knocking Jon into the fray as well. Jon falls to the floor, taking Diane with him. She lands on top of him in a heap, dress ripped and giggling on the Red Carpet, while Richie, Noel and Liam continue their scrap. Everyone comes out of the party, anxious to see what's going on. Tico, Hugh and Dave can't get through the crowd to help their bandmates, but Cher manages to make it through, having spent many a year getting Richie out of fights. She just about manages to pull the fight apart, but falls down into a heap on top of Richie as one of her ridiculously high heels snap. Frantic photographers snap the fight and the fumble, and the photos were in the paper by the next morning. I wonder what Heather and Dorothea are thinking?!?!)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
OK!
That's all!
But I am in the process of writing one with Skullmonkey et al, and I think it's going to be a long one!
Looking good though!
Love
Laura
P.S. Here is my equivelant to a Bonus track on a CD- as far as I got with the Harry Potter story, until it stopped being funny. This is sort of like what "I could make a living out of loving you" was to Crush- just a Bonus, not really all that good, but worth a little peep!
The Bongiovis- Harry Potter Special
--------------------------------------------------------------
Jon is sat having his dinner in the kitchen, it's about 9pm, and Dorothea (ducky) comes in looking terribly ill
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dot: *sniff* Jon, I need you to do me a favour. *cough*
Jon: Are you ok, Honey?
Dot: *sniff* I'm fine, just a cold, but I need you to go and get something for me
Jon: Sure. Cough medicine?
Dot: No, Harry Potter.
Jon: What? In person?
Dot: *rolls eyes* I promised Jake that I'd get the book for him on the day it came out- they'll be starting to queue by now, and I'm too ill to go in and get it for him, so could you...please?*sniff*
Jon: Oh come on, it's a book! I don't want to be out until midnight to buy a book I can just as easily get for him tomorrow!
Dot: Come on! One measly night! And it's not like you haven't stayed up until midnight for equally useless stuff!
Jon: Name ONE TIME I stayed up doing useless stuff.
Dot: Midnight in Chelsea. *sniff*
Jon: That was a good song!
Dot: Yeah...and I'm a turtle. *cough* It was passable till you had those bimbos put the sha-la-la bits in.
Jon: *gritting his teeth* The backing vocals WERE NOT MY IDEA! And I'm not getting the stupid book.
Dot: Fine.
Jon: Why does it sound like you're saying "No sex until you buy the damn book" when you say "Fine"?
Dot: Practice.
Jon: Ok, I'll go buy the damn book.
*He finishes his meal, clears up, and goes and gets in the car. Dot stands by the door, waving him off.*
Dot: Thanks Honey! And don't come back without the book!
Jon: *mumbles something about stupid english wizards* Ok!
*He drives off, and it takes him an hour to get through the traffic and into the city, where he finds a bookshop that has a queue going right the way around the corner*
Jon: Damn...maybe I should read it too...
*A kid turns around to him and looks up at him*
Kid: You never read Harry Potter?
Jon: No, no I never have.
Kid: *pulls on his mother's shirt* Mommy, that man can't read!
Kid's Mum: *gasps* A public figure like you, and you can't read?
Jon: *shocked* Np, I never said...
Kid's mum: Are you calling my Joshy a LIAR?
Jon: NO! I just...I...I can read...
Kid's mum: You're all the same, rock stars, just can't be bothered with a decent education, can you? Come on, Joshy!
*Joshy pokes his tongue out as he and his mother move away from him. Jn sighs, and looks at his watch. 10pm. 2 hours to go.*