[Keba]

And here are mine all proofread and edited.
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Midnight in Chelsea (Even though it's 3 am and this is not a solo tour and the band aren't even in Chelsea)

*It is 3 am and Jon is sleeping in his hotel room. Suddenly a loud, mangled version of "You Give Love a Bad Name" starts playing. Jon wakes up and groans. He tries to go back to sleep, but the noise is too loud. After a few minutes of trying in vain to sleep, Jon hears a knock on the hotel door. He crawls out of bed to answer the door, too tired to wonder who would knock at the door at this ungodly hour. Jon answers the door to find Richie (clad only in a pair of boxer shorts and looking just as groggy as Jon).*

Richie: Jon, answer your cell. That noise is driving me crazy!
Jon: My cell? What cell?
Richie: Your brain cell.
Jon: I didn't know people could answer their brain cells. What do brain cells ask, anyway?
Richie: Don't you get sarcasm?! Answer your cell phone!!!!!
Jon: But what about my---
Richie: Just answer it!
Jon: But what about that noise?
Richie: That's how your cell phone rings.
Jon: But phones aren't supposed to play "You Give Love a Bad Name".
Richie: JUST ANSWER THE THING!!!!

*Jon hunts around in the dark for his cell phone but can't find it. Richie turns on the room lights.*

Richie: Better?
Jon: MY EYES!!!!!!!! THEY BURN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Jon finds and answers the phone after a LOT of help from Richie.*

Jon: Uh, hello?
Mrs. B: Jon, dear, we need to talk.
Jon: You sound angry mom. Is everything all right?
Mrs. B: Far from it! It seems that you wrote a very unflattering song about me and it's just floating around so everyone can hear it!
Jon: Mom, this isn't the time. It's 3 in the morning and I have a show tomorrow. Could this wait, please?
Mrs. B: Oh, no. You aren't getting off easy on this one. In this song, "Standing" I believe you call it, you called me a b****!
Jon: No, you misunderstood. I said "I'm a son of a b****".
Mrs. B: Which makes me the b****, right?
Jon: No! It's just a song. It has nothing to do with you. Remember "Blaze of Glory?" I sang that I was the devil's son.
Mrs. B: So now I'm a devil AND a b****, am I?
Jon: Mom I---
Mrs. B: How dare you say those things about your mother! I'm not going to call you ever again!

*Mrs. Bongiovi hangs up the phone leaving Jon somewhat shaken. Jon stares up at Richie who is still standing next to him. By now, Jon's eyes have adjusted to the light, enabling him to make a most ingenious observation.*

Jon: Rich, you're wearing my boxer shorts.
Richie: No way, man. These are mine!
Jon: Then why do they have my last name written all over them?
Richie: There are Bon Jovi boxers out there. I bought this pair online.
Jon: Who in their right mind would sell boxers with my name on them over the internet?
Richie: Your mom.
Jon: You mean that devilish b****?!
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Dave's Emergency (otherwise known as the shortest Bongiovis episode ever)

*The guys are about to enter a press conference when all of a sudden, Dave gets a look of urgency on his face.*

Dave: Uh. Guys?
Jon: Oh, no.
Dave: Can I be excused?
Tico: Aye carumba! Not again!
Dave: Really, I have to.
Richie: Not now, David!
Dave: But I---
Jon: Couldn't you have done it earlier?
Dave: But I didn't have to, then.
Tico: Why does this always happen at the most inconveinient times?
Dave: But it's an emergency! I have to write a musical NOW!!!!!!!!!!!
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These Days Photo Shoot and Interview

Just to make things interesting, I decided to set this one in the These Days era. Also, it has nothing to do with Jon's family. Because of these reasons, you may not consider it an "official" Bongiovis episode, but it's written in the same style. (Note: I have nothing against the album These Days. Do not be offended by any negative commentary about the album in the storyline because it's FICTION. My opinions are not neccesarily reflected by any character in the epidose. I'm just doing this to poke fun at all those heated debates about the album that we have seen on this board recently.)

*The year is 1995. Jon, Richie, Dave, and Tico are doing a photo shoot and interview for a magazine to promote their latest album, These Days. The photographer is about to take his first picture of the band when someone screams "WAIT!" Huey comes running over very out-of-breath.*

Huey: Sorry I'm late, guys.
Tico: Huey, you're not supposed to be here.
Huey: Why not? I'm Bon Jovi's new bassist, right? I replaced what's-his-name, didn't I?
Jon: You didn't actually replace him. Oh, how do I explain this...?
*Huey starts sulking. Dave pats Huey on the back to comfort him.*
Dave: Don't worry, Huey.
*Dave gives Huey a baseball and bat.*
Dave: You can play with these until the photo shoot and interview are done.
*Huey takes the baseball and bat and walks of rather confused. Everybody else stares at Dave like he's crazy.*
Dave: What? It always works with my kids!
*Now alone, Huey decides that he has nothing else better to do than to play baseball. He throws the ball up in the air and hits it. The ball flies through the air until it's out of sight.*
Huey: Yeah! Home run!
*Huey victoriously runs around until he realizes that he no longer has a baseball to play with and goes back to sulking.*

*Meanwhile, the photo shoot is over for everyone except Jon. Jon is doing some extra photos just so all those girls who are more interested in looking at Jon's toes than listening to the band's music will buy the magazine. The rest of the band are doing the interview. They know Jon's photo shoot may take a while, so they're starting off without him.*

Interviewer: So, how would you describe your newest album, These Days?
Richie: I think it's a very positive album. Our songwriting and our music reflect the way we feel, and we've been feeling better than ever. At least I am. I'm happily married, my carear as a guitarist has been going great, and my life in general couldn't be better. That whole attitude just kind of carried over while making These Days.
Tico: The album is very enjoyable. I know I enjoyed doing it.
Dave: These Days is the greatest thing we've ever done!
Interviewer: I'd like to ask some questions about the songs. Why don't I play the album while asking the questions? Do you mind?
Tico: Not at all! Go right ahead.
*The interviewer puts on the album which starts playing Lie to Me.*
Interviewer: These Days has many more heart-breaking love ballads than any of your other previous albums. Why is that?
*Richie, Dave, and Tico pause for a moment to think of answers but their minds wander off to the lyrics of the song. Dave gets teary-eyed.*
Richie: What the hell were we thinking?????
Dave: I never realized how upsetting These Days really is!
Tico: Aye carumba!
Richie: How did Jon convince us to put on all this depressing s***? I mean, This Ain't a Love Song was OK, but Lie to Me, Hearts Breaking Even, Letting You Go-
Dave: Letting You Go? I've never heard of that one before. When did we do it?
Richie: You never did do it. Jon wanted that one on badly and he knew you guys wouldn't like it, so he forced me to do the song with him in secret.
*Tico smacks his forehead repeatedly while Dave runs off. He comes back a while later with a box of tissues and a bottle of andi-depressant pills. The interviewer decides to lay off for a while.*
Tico: This is not going to be a happy tour.
Richie: I do not want to be playing these c*** songs for the next five years. This is the worst album we've made since Fahrenheit!
*Jon enters as Tico and Richie glare at him. Dave is too buisy guzzling anti-depressant pills to notice. The interviewer just kind of sits there. Jon does not look to pleased, himself and he is not wearing any shoes.*
Jon: What did you guys do with my shoes?
Richie: Well, what did YOU do to our album?
Jon: Come on. This isn't funny.
Richie: Exactly. It isn't.
Jon: I mean, is there some big joke going around. The photographer wanted shots of me grabbing my feet for who-knows-what reason, so I take off my shoes, do the photos, and when I go to put my shoes back on, they're not there. The photographer and I looked everywhere and couldn't find them, so one of you guys must have them. Now, FORK 'EM OVER!
Richie: I have no idea where your shoes are. Can we talk about more serious matters such as our album?
Jon: OK, whatever, but if i get a piece of glass lodged in my heel, there's gonna be hell to pay.

*Meanwhile, Huey throws up one of Jon's shoes and hits it with his baseball bat. The shoe, like the baseball before it, sails out of sight.*
Huey: Yeah! Home run!
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Alec John Such vs These Days

*Alec is buisy going through his mail. He sorts out all the junk mail (addressed to "Alex John Such") and throws it away. He then sorts out all the hate mail ("Alec, you traitor! Why did you disgrace Bon Jovi?!") and throws that away, too. He then goes through all the fan mail ("We miss you and will always love you, Alec!") and throws that away as well. How all those people were able to find his address, I do not know. So, don't aske me.
Things have been rather quiet for Alec over the past year since he left Bon Jovi. All that is about to change when he finds a thick package in his mail....*
Alec: Hey, I didn't order anything!
*Alec opens the package and finds a magazine with a picture of Jon, Richie, Tico, and David on the front cover. There is a message written at the bottom.*

Wish you were here!
Richie, Dave, and Tico

*Alec winces. Since he has nothing else better to do, he flips through the magazine. His eyes fill with anger as he discovers a fold-out picture of Jon grabbing his right foot and looking innocently at the camera. Alec grabs a pencil and starts stabbing the picture of Jon.*
Alec: DIE! DIE! DIEDIEIDIEIDIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Alec tosses the magazine on the floor. He looks in the package to see if anything else is there. He finds a letter and reads it.*

Dear Alec,
It's been a while since we last talked and I just wanted to know how you were doing. I heard you got in another motor bike accident. Are you OK? I hope it wasn't too bad.
David, Tico, Jon, and I are doing great. You might have heard that we have a new record out. It was nice to work on an actual record, but to me, it wasn't the same without you. Tico and David agree. I asked Jon how he felt about it when he forced me to do this one song with him, but he wouldn't give me an answer.
Now that I think about it, he did give me an answer without actually saying it. I realized how many depressing ballads there were on the album about breaking up and stuff, and started thinking: maybe Jon's not writing love songs. Maybe he's been writing about how he's been missing you, all along!
I thought you probably weren't going to buy the album, so I sent you a free copy enclosed in this package. Take a listen and tell me what you think. I reccomend Letting You Go and Lie to Me, if you know what I mean. I also sent you a magazine to give you a little more... um... information about the album. You're going to have to skip through a lot of pages of Jon, though. I hope you enjoy the album!
Your buddy,
Richie

*Alec picks up the package and shakes it. A CD copy of These Days falls out of the package and onto the floor. Alec stares at the album in horror.*
Alec: Aw hell!
*Alec exits the room and comes back wearing one of those yellow suits that people wear when handling radioactive chemicals. Don't ask me where he got it. Alec picks up the CD with a pair of tongs and inserts it into a CD player. After the first three songs, Alec gets sick to his stomach and runs into the bathroom to vomit. A while later he starts writing a letter to Richie.*

Dear Richie,
What the f*** were you guys thinking when you made this album? It's complete s***! Of course, I blame it all on that b****** Jon. If I were you, I'd quit as I have. Bon Jovi is going to hell.

*Just as Alec is about to write his next sentence, Jon's shoe comes crashing through the window and hits Alec square on the forehead knocking him silly. Don't ask me how that shoe stayed airborne for that long.*
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Invasion of the Geese

*Jon wakes up one fine morning and is ready to greet the day. He thrusts open the curtains on the bedroom window and gazes out into the vast backyard. Jon hears a honking noise from overhead and a solitary goose lands in hin backyard. He thinks nothing of the goose. Then, about a thousand more of them arive.*
Jon: Why does this happen every year?

*Aggrivated, Jon drags himself down the stairs to find his trusty dog, Copper.*
Jon: Hey Copper! Here boy! Copper, where are you?
*Copper lies dozing on the couch.*
Jon: There you are, Copper. Now, what did I say about sleeping on the furniture?
*Copper gazes at Jon sleepily.*
Jon: Copper, I got a job for you. See those geese? I want you to chase 'em away.
*Copper yawns.*
Jon: Go on, Copper. Get the geese, boy!
*Jon tries to get Copper excited by clapping and running around. Copper stares at Jon as if he has just lost his mind. Jon gets discouraged when he sees that his dog is not responding.*
Jon: You lazy mutt. I don't know why I even bothered. Guess I gotta get rid of those geese by myself.

*Jon puts on rain boots and grabs the only weapon he can find to battle the geese: an old acoustic guitar. As he heads to the back door, he passes by his daughter, Stephanie.*
Stephanie: Dad, what are you doing?
Jon: I'm getting rid of the geese in the backyard.
Stephanie: Why? What have those geese done to you?
Jon: It's not about what they have done, it's about what they WILL do. You know what geese like to leave on private property, right.
Stephanie: So you're going to chase them away with a guitar?
Jon: Hey, it's the first thing I saw, so I'm using it.
*Jon makes his way to the back door.*
Stephanie: Mom!!!!! Dad's being weird, again!!!!!!!!!

*Jon turns the knob to open the door.*
Jon: OK, geese, it's you or me.
*Jon boldly steps out into the backyard to confront the geese. He raises the guitar above his head and screams a battle cry.*
Jon: WHO WANTS A PIECE OF ME?!?!?!
*All the geese turn their heads toward Jon. They start honking madly. Jon runs through the yard swinging his guitar all the while. The geese run around frantically and take flight. They swoop behind Jon and start chasing and pecking at him. Jon makes a mad dash to the door, opens it, and runs inside the house, slamming the door behind him. About ten or twenty geese colide into the door. In the house, Jon is panting heavily. Then, he realizes that he dropped his guitar as the geese were chasing him. He has no choice but to go out and retrieve it.
Again, he opens the door and cautiously steps outside. He is almost instantly bombarded by the geese. Some of the geese are holding roses in their beaks. They throw the roses at Jon. Two of the geese are holding up a sign that says "WE LOVE YOU JON!" A few others are holding up a poster that says "Play Bed of Roses". Very confused, Jon goes back into the house. The disappointed geese start honking at him.
Jon decides to do the only logical thing at this point: call Dave.*

Dave: Hello?
Jon: Hey, Dave. It's Jon.
Dave: Oh, hi Jon. What's up?
Jon: Dave, you are not going to believe this, but there are about a thousand geese in my yard. I tried to chase them off, but they won't leave until I sing Bed of Roses for them.
*There is a long pause.*
Dave: And your point is...
Jon: Could you come over here and bring your piano?
Dave: I don't believe a single word you say, but I'll come over. Don't know why, but I will.
Jon: Thanks, Dave. You're the greatest.

*An hour later, a small truck pulls into Jon's driveway. Dave is sitting in the back next to the piano and is playing Vanessa Carlton's song 1000 Miles. As the truck comes to a stop, Dave and two men get out to unload the piano. Jon comes out to greet Dave.*

Dave: So where are all these geese?
Jon: Follow me.
*Jon and Dave go into the house and look through a window to the backyard where the geese are waiting impatiently.*
Dave: No way.
Jon: Yep.
Dave: This is insane.
Jon: Uh huh. Let's just get it over with.

*Dave and Jon push Dave's piano into the yard. The geese start screaming with joy. Dave starts playing the piano and Jon sings Bed of Roses. The geese go wild. One goose gets pushed forward right in front of Jon. The goose flies up so she is face-to-face with Jon. Jon takes the cue and starts dancing with the goose. After the dance, the goose gives Jon a little peck on the cheek (no pun intended). Jon continues with the song. As soon as Dave and Jon are done playing the song, the geese cheer enthusiasticly and throw more roses at them.
Just then, Copper comes roaring out on a go-cart and scares all the geese away.*
Jon: Hmm, maybe Copper isn't so lazy after all....
Dave: Now why did your dog have to do that? I wanted to play In These Arms for them!

*Where are the geese off to now? Richie's house, of course!*
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The Bongiovis Flashbacks: PARTY IN VANCOUVER!!!!!!!!!

*The year is 1986. Jon, Dave, Tico, Richie, and Alec are in Vancouver to record their third studio album. Durning their stay, they are living in a little, pink condo. And making a mess of it. Oh boy, there goes the neighborhood.

It is approximately 11:00 pm on a Monday night. Jon, Richie, and Tico are hanging out and joking around by the kitchen in the condo. Alec is in the bedroom trying his best to get some sleep. Dave enters the bedroom wearing light blue pyjamas and dragging a large, brown teddy bear beside him. He stops at Alec's bed and starts poking the half-asleep Alec.*
Dave: I can't sleep.
*Alec groans. Dave continues poking Alec.*
Dave: I can't sleep.
Alec: That makes two of us.
Dave: Richie, Jon, and Tico are being noisey.
Alec: You don't have to tell ME that.
Dave: Can I sleep with you, Mommy?
Alec: Dave, we've been through this before. I AM NOT YOUR MOMMY!
*Richie runs in the room with a look of pure anger on his face. He eyes Dave with rage.*
Richie: Hey, that's my teddy bear!
Dave: No it's not!
Richie: You stole my teddy!
*Dave jumps onto Alec's bed.*
Dave: Mommy, save me!
Alec: I'm not your mommy!
*Richie jumps onto the bed as well and starts grabbing for the teddy bear.*
Richie: Gimme it!
Dave: No!
Alec: Get off of me!
*Dave jumps off the bed and runs out of the room. Richie chases after him. They run down the short hallway to where Tico and Jon are standing. Tico grabs Dave by the collar and Richie crashes into Jon.*
Tico: What is all the fuss about?
Richie: Dave stole my teddy and he won't give it back.
Dave: But it's MINE!
Richie: No it's not!
Dave: Yes it is!
Tico: Richie! David! If you two can't stop fighting over the bear, then Jon gets to keep it.
*Tico pulls the teddy bear from Dave and gives it to Jon.*
Jon: Yay!
Tico: Now let's all get to bed. We've had enough exitement for tonight and we've got work tomorrow.
*Tico heads for the bedroom. Jon puts the teddy bear on his shoulders and starts singing.*
Jon: I'm a cow-bear. On a Jonny-horse I ride....

*It's Tuesday morning and the band is getting ready to go to the recording studio. Jon, Tico, and Alec are standing by the front door, ready to go, but Dave and Richie are not.*
Jon: What's taking you guys so long?
Richie: I have to find my other shoe.
*Richie puts on his shoes, goes over to Jon's bed, and grabs the teddy bear. He hides it under his bed, and joins the others at the front door.*
Alec: Dave, hurry up!
Dave: One minute, Mommy.
Alec: I am not your mother!
*Dave searches for the teddy bear on Jon's bed. He doesn't find it so he looks for it on Riche's bed. He finally finds the bear and hides it in his bedsheets. He then joins the others and they leave for the recording studio.*

*It is now Tuesday night. The time is approximately 9:00 pm. Tico is lying on the couch smoking a cigarette. Richie, Jon, and Dave are lounging around on the floor. All are half-dressed.*
Richie: I'm bored. Are you guys bored?
Tico: Yeah, I'm bored.
Jon: Me too.
Dave: I bet I'm boreder than you.
Jon: How bored are you?
Dave: Very bored.
Jon: No, you're not as bored as me.
*Alec enters with a large shopping bag.*
Alec: Hey, guys. I got some donuts and a few sixpacks. Anybody want some?
Tico: Donuts?
Richie: Beer?
Jon: Yes!
Dave: Thank you, Mommy!
Alec: Dave, I'm not your mother!

*It is now Wednesday morning and all the guys have hangovers. They are guzzling cup after cup of coffee except for Tico who is drinking it straight out of the pot.*
Richie: My coffee tastes funny.
Jon: Well, put some sugar in it.
Richie: I did.
Jon: Put some more in.
*Richie grabs a half-finished bottle of beer and pours it into his coffee.*
Richie: Doesn't taste any better.
Jon: That's cause you're putting beer in your coffee.
Richie: Oh, no wonder.
*Richie gulps down the rest of his coffee and then drinks the rest of the beer.*

*It is Wednesday night, about 10:30pm. Jon, Richie, and Alec are hanging around on the couch. They hear music comming from the bedroom.*
Alec: What is that noise?
Jon: I think it's called Mozart. Dave must be playing one of his old opera records.
Richie: Ouch. That stuff is painful to listen to.
*Half an hour later, the music is still playing, but Jon, Richie, and Alec don't care. Richie and Alec are having a contest to see who can smoke the most cigarettes in ten minutes. Jon is keeping score. Alec finishes a cigarette, throws it on the floor, and starts smoking a new one.*
Jon: And Alec pulls ahead!
*Dave walks by and accidenatlly steps on a discarded cigarette butt. The cigarette hasn't been totally put out and it burns a hole through Dave's sock.*
Dave: Ow!
Alec: Dave!
Richie: We gotta get him help!
*Richie and Alec pick up Dave and rush him over to the kitchen.*
Richie: WEEEEOOOOOOOWWEEEEEEEOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Alec: Do you HAVE to make the siren noises.
*Richie and Alec rush into the kitchen carrying Dave. Richie sticks Dave's foot in the sink and turns on the cold water.*
Dave: Eep!
*Richie sticks his head out of the kitchen and calls to Jon.*
Richie: Dr. Bon Jovi, report to the emergency room! We need bandages! I repeat, we need bandages!
*Jon runs off to get some bandages and dashes into the kitchen.*
Jon: Where do you want the bandages?
Alec: On his foot!
Jon: But his foot's in the water!
Dave: Help!
*The doorbell rings.*
Richie: I'll get it!
*Richie answers the door and finds a few cops standing outside.*
Cop: We've gotten several phone calls about you....
*Jon and Alce are still in the kitchen with Dave, making a big mess.*
Alec: I can't hold him much longer!
Dave: Mommy!
Alec: Stop calling me Mommy!
Jon: Dave, everything's gonna be fine. Just hold on!
Alec: I'm the one who's holding him!
*The cops enter the kitchen.*
Cop: We're going to have to evict you for disturbing the peace.
Dave: Mommy!
Cop: Where is that loud music comming from?
Jon: It's one of Dave's old reccords.
Dave: But I wasn't playing any reccords.
*The cops walk down the hallway to the bedroom where the music is playing. They break down the door to find Tico singing opera- completely naked. The cops immediately turn their heads away.*
Cop: Oops excuse me. Um... er... we're evicting you for disturbing the peace.
Tico: Is what I'm doing a crime? Is it illegal to go to bed nude in Vancouver?
Cop: Um... no... but we still have to evict you.
Tico: Can I at least put some clothes on before you kick me out?
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Karate- Bon Jovi Style

*Jon is sitting at the table, sipping a cup of coffee. Dorothea enters the room and sits down next to him. She gentely rubs his shoulder.*
Dorothea: Honey...
Jon: Mmm?
Dorothea: Can we talk?
*Jon gazes into Dorothea's eyes. He gives her a relaxed smile. Taking his expression as a "yes", Dorthea continues.*
Dorothea: You're not busy this afternoon, are you?
Jon: Um... I don't think so.
Dorothea: I'd like you to help me out with someting.
Jon: I'll help you with anything, baby.
*Jon continues to gaze at her. Dorothea puts on a more serious expression. Jon's smile fades.*
Dorothea: I've been asked to instruct a class of gifted karate students at the dojo. It's a large class, so I hired four assistants to help me. Unfortunately, they all called in sick today. There must be some illness going around. I've asked other people to help me out, but they're all busy. You're my last hope, Jon.
Jon: Dorothea, I'm sorry, honey, but I can't help you.
Dorothea: Why not? You said that you weren't buisy.
Jon: I'm not buisy, but... I'm sick.
Dorothea: I'm not buying it, Jon.
Jon: Really! I have allergies!
*Jon fakes a sneeze. Dorothea slowly shakes her head.*
Dorthea: Jon, it's either this or painting the hallway pink. Take your pick.
Jon: OK, OK, OK! I'll help you out with the karate class.
Dorothea: Great! Thank you so much! Now let me call your friends.
*Dorothea kisses Jon and exits the room.*
Jon: Damn! Why do I always get mixed up in these things!

*Jon and his friends (namely Richie, Tico, and Dave) are in one of the little back rooms at the dojo putting on their karate uniforms. Each one has a look of disgust on his face.*
Richie: I think I speak for all of us when I say we wouldn't be doing this if we were asked by someone other than your wife, Jon.
Jon: Yeah, yeah, I know she's convincing.
Dave: Just because you have the day off, she assumes that we all have the day off. I wanted to spend some quality time with my kids- not... with... someone else's kids.
Jon: Hey, don't blame me. This wasn't my idea.
Tico: I don't know the first thing about karate!
Richie: It's simple. The kids go up to Dot and they bow, and then they say to her, "Teach me the way of the whooping crane, Bon-sama." And she says something like, "Be patient, my young sea turtles. Your time shall come." Then, they strike these fighting poses and start beating the snot out of each other. Only they have to do it in a style that's a cross between boxing and ballet.
*They all loosen up a bit and laugh.*
Jon: Yeah, that's my understanding of karate, too. Only they don't call her "Bon-sama". They call her "Sensei" or something like that.
Dave: So, where do we fit in?
Jon: In all honesty, Dave, I don't know where we fit in.
Tico: This is starting to scare me.
Jon: Tico, don't tie your belt in a bow.

*The guys are fully dressed in their uniforms. They enter the gym in which Dorothea will be teaching the class. Dorothea, who is already there, greets them.*
Dorothea: I'm so glad that all of you could help me out. You have no idea how greatful I am.
*The guys smile, uneasily.*
Richie: So... uh... what are we supposed to do, anyway?
Dorothea: You just have to keep an eye on the students. There are about fifty or so of them, so I can't tend to all of them at once. Just check to see if they're bending their knees correctly, if they need help, and things like that. If they're roughousing, break up the fights. I don't want any of them to beat each other up.
*The students enter the gym. Dorothea motions for the guys to greet the students with her. As they walk to the students, Dave whispers to Dorothea.*
Dave: Why do they wear colored belts?
Dorothea: The belts show how experienced a person is in karate. If you have a white belt, you're a beginner. If you have a black belt, you are at the most advanced stage. The colored belts are intermediate.
*Dave looks down at his white belt and pouts.
The students line up. Dorothea, Jon, Tico, David, and Richie face them. The students and Dorothea bow to each other. Getting the idea, Jon bows. He nudges the others to do the same. After they all rise, Dorothea introduces her new "assistants" to the students.
Dorothea gives the students some instructions. The students do some basic exercises. They then partner up to practice with each other. Dorothea and her "assistants" split up to moniter the students on all parts of the gym.*

*Dave approaches a boy and a girl who are practicing punching tecniques.*
Dave: Do you kids need any help?
Boy: No.
Dave: Are you bending your knees the right way?
Girl: You don't know the first thing about karate, do you?

*Jon finds two boys fighting. One boy is furiously beating up the other.*
Jon: Hey you guys, break it up, OK?
*The first boy punches the second square in the face. Jon grabs the first boy around the chest and forcefully pulls him away. The boy starts kicking and struggling to free himself from Jon's grasp. Jon has trouble holding the boy and eventually loosens his grasp. The boy escapes and immediately starts attacking his partner.*
Jon: Dorothea! Help!

*Richie sees a little girl standing all alone. She looks slightly scared and confused. Richie approches the little girl. and kneels down to her level.*
Richie: Hey. What're you doing? Do you have a partner?
Girl: No.
Richie: Want me to be your partner?
Girl: OK.
Richie: What's your name?
Girl: Kimmi
Richie: Alright, Kimmi. How about we spar a little bit. Don't worry. I won't hurt you and you probably won't hurt me either.
Kimmi: You're supposed to stand up when you fight.
*Richie gets off of his knees and stands up. He makes two fists, pretending to look tough.*
Richie: OK, now. Throw me a punch, Kimmi. Give it all you've got!
*Kimmi makes a fist. She forcefully pushes her arm foreward.*
Kimmi: Kee-ya!
*Kimmi's punch is so quick that Richie has almost no time to react. Since Kimmi is about half of Richies height, her punch landed squarely in Richie's most sesitive weak spot. Richie winces and keels over. Kimmi looks at Richie, a little worried.*
Kimmi: Sensei! I think I knocked out Mr. Richie!
*Jon and Dave both hear Kimmi calling out. They rush to her and find Richie moaning in pain.*
Jon: Rich? You alright?
*Richie moans while Dave turns to face Kimmi.*
Dave: Did you do this?
Kimmi: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt Mr. Richie.
*Dave kneels down and pats her on the back.*
Dave: Woah! Nice job, there! I wouldn't be able to do that to Richie, even if I tred. Good work, kid!
Jon: David!
Dave: Oops. Sorry.
Jon: Just get Richie an ice pack. Tico and I will-
Dave: Will what?
Jon: Where is Tico, anyway?
Dave: The last time I saw him, he was by that door over there.
Jon: He must've run off. I'll get him. You take care of Richie.

*Jon runs down a hallway looking for Tico.*
Jon: Hey Teek! Tico! Where the hell are you?
*He turns down several more hallways and ends up in a small room. He scans the room and finds Tico leaning against a vending machine while smoking a cigarette.*
Jon: Teek! There you are! What were you running off for?
Tico: Did you see what that little kid did to Richie? Think about what an older kid could do to him! I am not going to let anybody kick me where it hurts! There is no way in hell I'm going back there.
Jon: Tico, we've been in worse situations than this. Besides, we made a promise to Dorothea.
Tico: Promise or no promise, I'm not going back. I'm getting too old for this kind of stuff, Jon.
Jon: You're not old, Tico. You're just older.
Tico: That joke's getting old.
Jon: No, it's just older.
Tico: WILL YOU KNOCK IT OFF?!
Jon: Look, you can't stay in here forever. You gotta come back with me.
*Tico puts out his cigarette, drops it on the floor, and clings to the vending machine. Jon pulls him back by the colar.*
Jon: If you don't come back, you'll get hurt a lot worse by my wife. Believe me, she packs more of a punch than some little girl.
Tico: Jon, you got a point, there.

*Jon and Tico return to the gym. The students are all doing push-ups under Dorothea's watchful eyes. Richie is sitting in a chair with an ice pack between his legs. Dave is sitting on the floor next to him. Jon and Tico walk over to join them.*
Dave: Hey Tico, where did you run off to?
Tico: Long story.
Jon: How you doin', Richie?
Richie: I'm OK.
Dave: Yeah, he started talking normally just a few minutes ago.
*Richie gives Dave a little kick.*
Tico: So what are they doing now?
Dave: Well, since you and Jon were gone and Richie was, well, out of comission, Dorothea didn't want the kids to get out of hand. So, she called them all together and made them do push-ups until you guys came back.
*Jon, Tico, and Dave walk over to Dorothea.*
Jon: We're back.
Dorothea: Where have you been?
Tico: Don't ask.
*Dorothea turns to the students, who by now are sick and tired of push-ups.*
Dorothea: OK, everyone. You can stop doing push-ups. Now, we're going to practice the different types of kicking.
*The door bursts open and four ninjas break in.*
Dave: Is this part of the lesson?
Dorothea: No. I have no idea what this is.
Jon: Maybe we should get out of here.
Dorothea: No, you can stay put. Just stand back.
*Dorothea approaches the four ninjas.*
Dorothea: Excuse me, but I don't think your in the right place.
*All four ninjas strike fighting poses.*
Dorothea: Oh, so is that what you've come here for?
*Dorothea takes a fighting stance. The four ninjas rush at her. The first one takes a swing at her. She grabs the ninja's fist in one hand and gives him an upercut. She then pushes him to the floor. The second ninja attacks her from behind. Dorothea elbows him in the gut and punches him. The second ninja falls backwards onto the third ninja. The third ninja struggles to get out from under the second. The fourth ninja swings his leg in a side kick aiming for Dorothea's head. She grabs his leg and flips him over on his stomach. The defeated ninjas crawl away from Dorothea. Once they are a safe distance from her, the remove their masks to reveal that they are Dorothea's original four assistants.*
Dorothea: Hey, I thought you guys were sick.
Assistant 1: Sorry, Sensei.
Assistant 2: We thought that if we called in sick, we could...
Dorothea: You could what?
Assistant 2: It was her idea!
Assistant 3: It was not! Still we came up with this plan...
Assistant 4: And we thought it would work out. You see, we wanted to meet...
Assistant 1: THERE HE IS!!!!!!!
*All four assistants run to Jon and grovel at his feet.*
Assistant 3: Is this for real? I've gotta be dreaming! He's even hotter in person!
*The assistant touches Jon's ankle and runs her finger around his tattoo.*
Assistant 4: I can't believe that after all these years I am finally basking in the glow of his pressence!
Assistant 2: Can I have your autograph, Bon-sama?
Jon: Be patient, my young sea turtles. Your time shall come.
Assistants: Huh?
Richie: He stole my line!
Tico: And of course they act like we don't exist.
Dave: I think we should be greatful for that.
*The three of them watch as the assistants cling to Jon until they pull him over.*