Well, here it is, guys! It's taken me forever, but it's done!
I will tolerate no complaints on my portrayal of either Dave or Richie; there is NO BIAS. Dave is stupid, Richie is a nasty drunk. They're even! So no accusations!
I will be losing my computer (has to go in for repairs) tonight, and I don't know when I'll have it back, so while I'm gone, vote like mad, OK? And I will write the conclusion upon my return! Spread the word of the battle to all four corners of Jovidom!
Here we go...
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Sanctuary Sound II
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After all the holiday festivities are over, Jon, Richie, Tico, Dave and Obie O?brien are all sat on the floor of the studio, leaning up against the piano, amps and the walls, drinking beer. They?re all wearing dodgy paper Christmas party hats, and Tico is of course wearing his uber-cool sunglasses. Richie has had a *bit* too much to drink!
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Richie: Headssssssss up! *throws an empty Budweiser can at the bin, but misses and hits Tico on the head*
Tico: Watch your step, Amigo! They don?t?
Richie: Yeah, yeah, they don?t call you Tico ?the Hitman? Torres for nothing. *turns to Dave, who is sat next to the crate of beer* Hey Goldielocks, pass me a beer?
Dave: *does nothing, but looks confused* but Jon?s nowhere near the beer!
Richie: I meant you, curly! Who in their right mind would call Jon goldielocks when we all KNOW it?s a wig, and he?s really bald!
Jon: I am NOT! Just because your wife does the L?Oreal adverts doesn?t mean the rest of us don?t have perfect hair!
(Obie leans over to give Jon?s hair a tug, but Jon smacks his hands onto his head and glares at him)
Just try it, Kenobi, just try it?
(Obie sits back down and looks scared to glance up from his beer)
Dave: So?who?s curly?
Richie: YOU, DAVE!
Dave: Oh.
(Everyone looks at Dave, expecting him to pass Richie a beer. He doesn?t move, and acts like he?s not been spoken to.)
Richie: Er, hello? Earth to perm boy?!?!
Dave: Who?s?
All: YOU, DAVE!
Dave: Well there?s no need to shout at me! *sulks*
Richie: Never mind, I?ll get it myself! *stands up and goes to get himself a beer*
Obie: So?.everyone have a good Christmas?
All: *they all nod and mumble in agreement*
Tico: I got three new wives this year!
Obie: Really? Any good?
Tico: Once you?ve been married once, hombre, you know it all?
Obie: Know what you mean. Hugh?
Hugh: huh?
Obie: How was your Christmas?
Hugh: Huge, thanks. We all had McTurkey burgers at Dad's resteraunt. And we all got models of my dead brother, which was nice.
Obie: What's your brother's name?
Hugh: Ronald.
(Dave, Richie and Obie all burst out laughing. Even uber-cool Tico can't help but grin. Jon seems angry)
Jon: Guys! How could you be so cruel! His brother is dead! My god, have you no hearts?
Hugh: Jon, it's ok!
Jon: No Huey, you have to let all the pain out! How did he die?
Hugh: Some kids mauled him because they got the wrong toy in their happy meals.
Jon: Oh my god! That's awful! Hugh, I'm so sorry! *Jon hugs Hugh*
Hugh: Get off me man! I'm fine! He was a b@st@rd. I hated him. I'm glad he's gone!
Jon: What an awful thing to say! Aren't you even sorry that he's dead?!
Hugh: Well, I am sorry that the kids got there first...
Jon: oh. But you said getting the models was nice!
Hugh: One of my principle religious beliefs is that of the Voodoo doll...
Tico: Amigo, he is dead!
Hugh:...let me finish! One of my other principle beliefs is in the afterlife. I rip another part off that doll everyday. He'll suffer. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..eh...*cough cough*
(awkward pause)
Obie: So... Jon, get anything nice?
Jon: Mom got me some pink paint.
Obie: *giggling* Why?!
Jon: *sighs* She wants me to paint the hall Pink. And what mother wants, mother gets.
(They all laugh. After a while, the silence comes back, punctuated by a few lazy yawns. They all down a few more beers, and Jon falls asleep on Obie?s shoulder. Dave is the only one of them who still appears cheerful)
Dave: So?Rich, did you get any new gear for Christmas?
Richie: I have all the gear I want. Just because you don?t, doesn?t mean everyone else hasn?t got everything they want! Don?t you DARE be so rude to me, goldielocks!
(Jon wakes up from hearing Richie?s raised voice, all the others start paying more attention)
Dave: *looking hurt* Well exCUSE me if you?re jealous!
Richie: Of what, you?re hair?!?!
Dave: NO! That MY Lunar Eclipse Album was much more admirable than YOUR p!ss poor effort!
Jon: Guys, don?t you think?
Richie: IT WAS AN AMAZING ALBUM! IT WAS JUST OVERLOOKED, PERM-BOY!!!!!!!
Dave: IT WAS AWFUL, STRANGER-BOY! ADMIT IT! YOU?RE NOTHING WITHOUT US!
Jon: Guys! Calm Down! This can all?
Richie: Don?t get me STARTED on Blaze of Bloody Glory, wig-man!
(Jon looks hurt, Obie and Tico come a bit closer, just in case they need to help break it all up)
Richie: Stranger, am I, Goldielocks?
Tico: *whispered to Obie* True, they don?t come much stranger than Senior Sambora when he?s drunk!
Richie: I heard that, Fidel!
Tico: *putting hands up in the air and looking over the rims of his uber-cool glasses* I mean you no disrespect, Amigo!
Obie: Guys! This is getting too much. There is only one way to settle this.
All: What?
Obie: *dramatic pause* It?s gonna have to be a game of Rock, scissors, paper.
All: *gasp!*
(Obie sets about making a circle on the floor, out of empty beer-cans. Dave steps into the ring first, with a look of forced nastiness on his face. Richie steps in looking what he is. Drunk as a Frenchman. Tico and Jon stand behind Dave, and Obie steps between them.)
Dave: You guys are taking my side? Thanks! I never knew you cared!
Tico: Amigo, would YOU be stood next to Senior Sambora at this moment in time if you had the option?
Dave: Oh.
Jon: But we are rooting for you!
Dave: I?m stupid, but not that stupid!
Richie: You had me fooled!
(Dave steps towards Richie, but Obie puts his arm out to stop him.)
Obie: Now, you all know the rules. Rock blunts scissors; scissors cut paper, and paper wraps around rock. You put your hands behind your backs, and on my count of three, you draw. One round, no best of threes, and then it?s settled. Right?
(They both nod in agreement. There is sweat beading on both their foreheads. Tico looks nervous, and is biting his nails. Jon is terrified)
Jon: Oh god! I can?t look! *buries his face in Tico?s shoulder*
Tico: Amigo! That is Armani you are sweating on!
Jon: *stands up straight and brushes off Tico?s shoulder* My apologies?
Obie: Ready?
(They nod)
Obie: One?
Two?
THREE!
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STOP!
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HERE IS YOUR VOTE! SUPPORT YOUR HERO!
Who should win the Rock, Scissors, Stones competition?
get your votes in as soon as possible!
The outcome will be written as soon as I get my computer back and learn what you have decided!
Love
Laura
P.S. This is entirely fictional! Dave isn't really stupid, Richie isn't really a drunk, Hugh isn't really an insensitive voodoo priest, Jon isn't really a sentimental sadact, and Tico isn't really an Uber-cool dude who uses Spanish terms to pep up the conversation. At least, I don't think they are...
P.P.S. Pardon the MacDonalds joke in the middle, it seemed funny at the time...
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N02 Vaporizer
01-05-2003, 06:54 PM
Has dave got fans?
