Episode 3: Shopping Trip
The shopping trip!
I don't know what shops you have in America, so I'll use Wal-mart (which I think you have) British people, where you see Wal-mart, read Tescos/Sainbury's/Marks and Sparks, French People read Intermarche/Super U/Continent, and I'm afraid for the rest of you, I don't know what your big shops are! It's just meant to be a big store that sells pretty much everything!
Oh, and Americans! A shopping trolley is what you call a shopping cart, I believe. Metal cage on wheels that you put your stuff in!
Enjoy!
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(Jon has been sent out by Dorothea and the militant Italian mother, Mrs B, to go shopping. Obie goes with him to keep him company.)
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Dorothea: (calling from inside the house) Don't forget the potatos!
Mrs B: Or my special pasta sauce!!!!!
Jon: (calling back) I WON'T!!!!!!
Obie: (getting into the car) Yes you will. You always do, and she always clouts you one when you do.
Jon: Obie, I have a wife, a daughter and a mother. I do not need to have my faults pointed out by you! They give me a weekly list.
Obie: Just saying, boss.
Jon: Well don't! (he turns the radio on, and the DJ does a voice over)
DJ: Let's lighten the mood with some comedy! Here's an ancient classic, all the way from back in the eighties, when style was taken out of the dictionary, and talent was taken out of the music industry! It's scrawny old Rockers Bon Jovi, and there once-upon-a-hit-single, Living in...sorry, on, a prayer! After this, I promise there'll be some REAL music!
(Living on a Prayer begins to play, and Jon looks furious)
Obie: Now boss, he didn't mean it...
Jon: (mildly hyperventilating) Did...you...hear...him?!?!?!
Obie: It was all in good humour! And anyway, what does he know?!?! He's a DJ for god's sake! I mean...
Jon: OBIE! he called us OLD! he called us SCRAWNY! HE CALLED OUR GREATEST WORK A ONCE-UPON-A-HIT-SINGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GRAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!
(the car swerves as jon has an apparent anger fit, and Obie grabs onto the dashboard for dear life. They speed the rest of the way to Wal-Mart, and when they get there, Jon swings into a carparking space at top speed, knocking the wing mirror of the car beside him)
Obie: Er, boss, this is the disabled bay...
Jon: DO YOU THINK I CARE?!?!?! And anyway! (sounding wounded) I am disabled! I'm old and scrawny...
Obie: *silence*
Jon: (annoyed) Feel free to jump in and disagree whenever you like!
Obie: Oh, er...well, I just thought that it went without saying!
Jon: Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure you did!
(They walk into Wal-Mart, and as they enter, they both look left, then right in perfect unison, and then they both don a pair of dark glasses. Obie produces Mrs B and Dorothea's list)
Obie: Right, we need Vegetables- including Potatos.
Jon: Ok, let's go.
(They trundle off down the vegetable isle, and Jon pushes the shopping trolley while Obie picks up the stuff.)
Jon: Obie, if you hadn't been a technician, what would you have been?
Obie: It was always my dream to be a teacher...
Jon: Wow, you would have made an excellent teacher.
Obie: No, I wouldn't. I just said it was always my dream, because I hate children, and a teacher has supreme power of those little brats. I would never have been a teacher, they wouldn't have let me in. I just said it was my dream.
Jon: oh.
Obie: I would probably have worked at Pizza hut...or maybe at Hugh's father's resteraunt. You know the one?
Jon: MacDonalds?
Obie: yeah...that's the one...What makes you ask, Boss?
Jon: Oh, it was just that DJ. What if he was right? What if we'd never made it? What would I have done?
Obie: I'm sure there was plenty you could have done!
JOn: Like what?
Obie: You could have been a teacher!
Jon: I hate kids.
Obie: You have 3 of your own!
Jon: That doesn't mean I like kids. That means Dorothea likes kids, and my mother wants Grandchildren.
Obie: You love them really.
Jon: Only until they can talk, of course...
Obie: Well, of course!
(suddenly, a girl across at the Deli counter spots Obie and Jon, and screams)
Girl: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! IT'S HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(all the other women in the store scream and shout, and run for them)
Jon & Obie together: OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
(they spin around and run as fast as they can, but the women stay in hot pursuit)
Various women: WE LOVE YOU!!! COME BACK!!!!!
(the chase continues for many minutes, and the store security guards are powerless to stop the screaming hordes. Eventually, they corner Jon and Obie in the Sauce Isle, and they give up)
Jon:OK! OK! I give up! What do you want, Autographs? Hugs? I'll do anything! ANYTHING!
1st girl: What the hell are you talking about?!?!
2nd girl: Yeah, we don't want anything off you!!!
Jon: Then why the hell were you chasing me?!?!
1st Girl: We weren't chasing *you*! We're after Obie!
Jon & Obie: WHAT?!?!
(After about half an hour of Obie signing autographs, kissing babies and having his photograph taken, they finally manage to get back to their shopping, and the last thing on their list is Mrs B's sauce)
Jon: I cannot believe that just happened!
Obie: (flicking through his fileofax) Neither can I! I got 36 phone numbers!
Jon: (glaring) The novelty will wear off, believe me!
Obie: But in the mean time, I'll be phoning Daria, Sarah, Josephine, Diane, Rebecca, Jane, Gwen, Richard...
Jon: Richard?
Obie: Seems like a nice guy!
Jon: Oh.
Obie: (putting his filofax away) Anyway, let's just get your mother's pasta sauce, and we'll be gone!
Jon: Ah, there it is!
(Jon reaches up to grab the sauce, and he glances across the isles to the lingerie isle, where he sees a young girl holding up an extremely slinky negligee to herself and looking in the mirror, with a boy who appears a few years older sat behind her, commenting on it, and they both have their backs to him. She turns around from the mirror, and Jon drops the jar of Pasta sauce, covering Obie from head to foot in Mama Amalfi's tomato and corriander pasta sauce.)
Jon: Oh my God...
Obie: WATCHIT, BOSS!!!! It's not like I have anything else to wear, you know!
Jon: STEPHANIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Jon pushes Obie out of the way, and runs across to her. Stephanie looks shocked, and chucks the negligee down quickly. The boy jumps up and spins around at full speed, revealing pierced ears, eyebrows and nose, and a tatoo of barbed wire going right the way around his neck)
Stephanie: DAD! What... a suprise to see you here!
Jon: YOUNG LADY, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING!!!!AND WHO THE HELL IS THAT?!?!
(points at the pierced and tatooed due, who looks scared out of his mind)
Stephanie: er...This is...umm...Charles.
Jon: Charles?
Charles: Yeah, but my posse call me Skullmonkey...oops...
JOn: SKULLMONKEY?!?!
Stephanie: Way to go, skull...
Jon: (to Skullmonkey) So, *CHARLES*, what the hell do you think you're doing here with my daughter?!?!
Charles: (looking really scared) er...shopping?
Stephanie: Dad, please...
Jon: I'll deal with you in a minute, madam!!!! Shopping for what, CHARLES?
Charles: Erm...nothing in paticular...OH WOW!
(Obie rushes over, wiping the sauce from his clothes)
Obie: What'd I miss?
Charles: Dude, are you Obie Obrien?!?! You're my ****ing hero!!!!!
Obie: Really? Well, I aim to guide today's youth!
Charles: My 19th tatoo is dedicated to you!
Stephanie: Which one is that?
Charles: You know the one, babe! the one on my...
Jon: BABE???????
Charles: oops...
Jon: RIGHT! THAT IS IT! STEPHANIE, YOU ARE COMING HOME WITH ME NOW!
Stephanie: But Dad! I haven't finished shoppi...
Obie: (to Charles) did I miss something
Charles: Kind of...
Jon: (to Stephanie) NO BUTS! I SAY YOU'VE FINISHED, SO YOU HAVE!
(Jon grabs her by the arm, and begins to drag her off. Then he turns around to Charles again)
Jon: And YOU, my boy! If I ever see you within ten yards of my daughter again, I will remove that tatoo dedicated to Obie, and whatever part of your body it may be on, kapeesh?!?!
(Charles and Obie's eyes widen)
Charles: (terrified) Yes sir!
Stephanie: SKULL! STAND UP TO HIM!
Charles: Er, babe...
Jon: I BEG YOUR PARDON?!?!
Charles: Sorry! I mean, Miss Bongiovi, ma'am, now may not be the time...
Stephanie: You are unbelievable! (storms off to wait by the car)
Jon: Obie! Pay for the shopping! We're leaving!
(Jon storms out after Stephanie, and Obie shrugs to Charles, and takes the stuff to pay for it. He makes his way out to the car, where Jon is sat in the driver's seat, giving Stephanie a lecture on sex before marriage)
Jon: And don't you DARE go thinking that I don't know all you're tricks, madam! Because I've tried them all!
Stephanie: What tricks?!?! Dad, you must think I'm some kind of tart!
Jon: HOW ELSE DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT...THAT THING YOU WERE ABOUT TO TRY ON!
Stephanie: My god, Dad! You are so embarrassing!
Jon: If I ever find out you've been up to anything with that Monkeyskull
Stephanie: Skullmonkey...
Jon: WHATEVER! If I ever find that you have...well, I promise you he won't live to see the light of day again!
(Stephanie sits in a huff in the back seat. Obie finished loading up the shopping, and jumps into the car)
Obie: Nice lad, that Charles! Do you know him, Stephanie?
Jon & Stephanie: SHUT UP!
(they make the rest of the journey back in silence. When they reach the house, Stephanie jumps out of the car and runs into the house. Jon calls after her, but she just runs up to her room. He and Obie unload the shopping, and they carry it inside)
Dorothea: JON! WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?!?!
Jon: Hey sweetie, we had a bit of a prob...
Dorothea: and WHAT have you done to your daughter! She came running in distraught, and your mother has had to go and calm her down!
Jon: You would not BELIVE what she was up to...
Dorothea: And what's this I hear from Charles that you threatened him?!?! He just rang to see if Stephanie was alright!
Jon: You KNEW about him?
Dorothea: Of course I did! Oh to hell with it, I'm going to see if I can undo the damage you've done.
(Dorothea Storms off)
Jon: Well bugger me!
Obie: Well, Ok, but won't Dorothea mind?
Jon: GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!
Obie: Yes boss!
(Obie runs off to the Sanctuary. Mrs B comes down the stairs, looking furious)
Mrs B: What HAVE you done to my Grand daughter?!?!
Jon: Nothing, Mom! I swear, I was only...
Mrs B: you were only NOTHING! Don't answer me back! Now where's my sauce?!
(Jon runs as fast as he can out of the door of the house)
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finis
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Sorry it's so long, guys!
That one took well over an hour!
Hope you like it!
Love
Laura
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The wanderer returns...
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12-20-2002, 12:00 AM
