Badgers, Socks and Pointed Sticks

I was bored one day on holiday so I bought a notepad and wrote this

Badgers, Socks and Pointed Sticks

Yesterday I went outside
I felt a pain in my behind
I turned around and felt quite shocked
There stood a badger, wearing socks

In its paw a pointed stick
Luckily my pants were thick
Otherwise I might be bleeding
It said "I live on a butchers ceiling!"

I asked "Will you stop poking me?!"
It said "At night I nibble trees"
I asked, confused, "Please will you leave?"
It told me it was trying to grieve

I enquired why it must poke my bum
It told me it had lost its mum
I said "I'm sorry, that's so sad"
But then it said "You must be mad"

"She isn't dead, she just got lost
I have a cow, it's covered in frost"
I stood confused, it poked again
I moved away, it poked a hen

The hen exploded, the badger too
I wondered "Will I explode too?"
I fell to the ground, thought I was dead
Then I awoke in my own bed

I looked outside and what I saw
Frightened me to my very core
After I screamed I was almost sick
It was a badger, in socks, with a pointed stick

There's badgers in cyprus? :P lolol weirdo

I know I'm weird and I know you love it babe :P

thats what i call modesty :P

Well since you've told me before that you do that's hardly anything to do with being modest :P

He's baaaaaaaaaaack....

If I don't win the Spam King award this year something is wrong

Haha it's almost as cheesy as Mark Knopfler's joke song, Badges Posters, Stickers and T-shirts, that was released on a Dire Straits EP in the 80s.


Badges, Posters, Stickers, T-Shirts
Words and music by Mark Knopfler

Me and my mate we think you're great
Some we like and some we hate
I know him I've seen him on the adverts
Got any badges posters stickers or t-shirts

You were bloody great last time you come
I thought me 'ead was stuck in the bass drum
Bloody loud, me bloody head hurts
Got any badges posters stickers and t-shirts

So how'd you get a start in show biz
My mate's as good on the drums as he is
My mate thinks I'm bloody cracked
Please sign my jacket on the back

All them badges made of plastic
I think they're great, just fantastic
I'm unemployed, he's still at school
He gets annoyed 'cause I'm such a fool

You don't half sweat a lot up there
Have you got showers in here?
You're bloody great, my bloody head hurts
Got any badges posters stickers and t-shirts

Yeah, me and my mate like AC-DC
Hot & sweaty, loud & greasy
My mom says we're a pair of perverts
Got any badges posters stickers and t-shirts

C'mon mister

We hitch-hiked here in pouring rain
Now we've missed the frigging train.

Hey! can I have one of them lagers?

Thanks very much........ mate.
Can 'e have one? Oaaah!

a-one, a-two, a-one two three four...





Good job mate, start scribing some more wierd funny stuff.

Well if you hadn't seen them here are my 2 previous efforts

Onions and Cheese

One day whilst walking down the street,
I noticed there upon my feet,
A pair of onions clad in fleece,
Attached to each a block of cheese.

I asked of them “Why are you there?”
They replied “We have orange hair”
I told them “That’s irrelevant”
They then said “We are elephants”

I shook my feet, they would not budge,
They asked me “May we have some fudge?”
I told them “No. Now go away”
They wouldn’t leave, they wanted to stay.

For years we lived together in peace,
Myself, the onions and the cheese,
But then they died, and in their wake,
I thought “What a great flavour crisp they’d make”

The true name of this flavour now you know,
So next time to the shop you go,
Try to remember, if you please
Their rightful name is Onion and Cheese.


Grey Is The New Red

Yesterday when I went out,
I heard a rather frightful shout.
I turned around, who should I see,
A gang of Squirrels charging me.

I ran but I could not escape,
They chased me and were throwing grapes.
They stained my shirt, my shoes, my socks,
And eventually we reached the docks.

They tried to throw me into the water,
They claimed that I had killed their daughter.
I told them “I’ve done no such thing”,
But they threw me in, the nasty things.

I tried to explain, “It was not me”,
They dove right in, chased me out to sea.
They would not heed a word I said,
“And soon”, I thought, “I might be dead”.

Eventually I began to tire,
And then the Squirrels caught on fire.
One by one they began to explode,
And suddenly I spied a road.

“How odd”, I thought, “A road in the sea”,
When suddenly it dawned on me.
T’was not the sea, but just a lake,
What a stupid mistake for me to make.

Towards the road I began to swim,
When suddenly something bit my shin.
It was a Squirrel, one had survived,
It bit me again, but then it died.

I climbed onto the road, I was soaked,
Then in my own bed at home I awoke.
Could it have all been a dream?
I hoped so, ‘cause those Squirrels were mean.

I looked around, no Squirrels there,
Perhaps they wore disguise, dyed their fur.
I’m paranoid now, it’s a life I choose,
I’m a lonely, frightened, old recluse.

I don’t go out, too scared to leave,
They seem to have gone, or so you believe.
They’re hiding out there and want me dead,
The grey ones that is, I am a red.