Conversion for Love?

I understand it is a completely different culture, but then within that particular culture there are many different people, influenced by many different things with their own ideas about how to live their lives. For example, a friend of mine is a fairly strict Muslim, but he is very westernised and with a very broad perspective of life.

I also think the suicide thing is a low form of blackmail, and it would be a calculated gamble to risk ignoring it, but I think in the particular circumstances the parents should be ignored. If it cannot be simplified so simply then the relationship will never work. You would never be accepted or tolerated if you give the parents too much power. I think they have to have some power taken away from them (if you understand what I mean by this) power or "control" so that they can accept a relationship in the long term.

As for the community thing, it would actually be quite a selfish thing to tell your children that you cannot behave in a certain way simply because of the attitudes of the community, but yes I know that does happen. There are solutions however. If for example you don't live actually inside that community there is no need for them to ever know... it would be no different than having a daughter who is at university elsewhere in the country.

I think you should respect the parents' beliefs, but a joint decision is needed which is either a) to end it all and basically give in to the parents, to b) ignore everything and risk the consequences (the risky option) or perhaps c) to show your commitment to each other by being prepared to risk the consequences, but perhaps attempting to do so with a compromise. If neither of the alternatives can be implemented, it sounds like you might be in advance accepting the inevitability of (a)

Sorry this is in code :s

This is very well, although bluntly, put and I agree completely. I think that the risk is worth taking because it does sound like emotional blackmail.

I agree too. In my experience, people who threat to commit suicide aren't the ones who actually go through with it.

Ok, this is my take on things.

The first way of approaching this, is that if we love each other, nothing else should matter.

Anna isn't forcing me to convert, nor did she suggest it. She has basically been living something of a lie since halfway through Uni. As far as her parents know, she still follows the culture fairly closely. They have made concessions, in that her Dad let her go to Uni. Her Mum has never forgiven him for this (although they have had a miserable marriage anyhow - they sleep in separate rooms, even speak different languages). She wears Westernised clothes etc.. & lives away from her parents.

The fact that she lives away from her parents causes quite a bit of concern in the community. Apparently her parents are constantly goaded as to why does she live in London? Why isn't she married yet? (26 is coming to the end of their sell by date in Muslim culture). Unfortunately, them finding out isn't an option.

Yes, her mum has threatened suicide. & while I say the same things as many of you, she has been brought up with the guilt thing. If she doesn't do what her parents tell her to, then she is betraying the ppl that have clothed & fed her, etc..... It is easy when it isn't your family etc.. involved.

The other point is that she would be turning her back on her father, who put his trust in her by sending her off to Uni.

She is however a lot better than she was, & is prepared to tell them. This would probably happen later this year (assuming we are still together) when the leases on our flat's are up & we think about moving in. At this point, she couldn't keep on living a lie.

Whatever happens, we won't be giving into the parents demands. I brought up the point of conversion as a way to try & make everyone happy. My original idea was just to do it for the 'piece of paper'. I.e. they think I am converted, I carry on as before. This wouldn't sit morally wrong with me as I believe if there is a god, there is only 1. Whatever we do to worship him doesn't matter as long as we live a moral life. My family also wouldn't mind (my father suggested it). Anna isn't sure about it morally, she thinks it would be playing about with religion & we would still be living a lie. She would prefer it if I was going to do it, that I do it properly.

I would be willing to learn a bit more about it & who knows - I might even be convinced?? But at the moment it doesn't sit right with me going through with it fully & living that way of life.

As far as telling them straight out. They are both in their mid 60's. They aren't likely to come to terms with it. I would feel guilty if something did happen.

We aren't concerned about the religion recognising the marriage - but then, to keep the parents happy it would.... Didn't think about that one.

It is part c) of Letitrocks reply that I am trying to aim towards with the conversion thing. Problem of that though, is if the parents do accept me it would drag me into their comunity & they would have to live close by.

I would ideally like to take the risky option & ignore them, but the possible consequences are pretty great, even ignoring the suicide bit. & then I would feel the sacrifices were all one way.

One last point, is that I'm not sure Anna would allow a) to be an option. If things are like they are now & I make that suggestion, I think she will go ahead & tell them straight off. I don't think she'll let herself live her parents way of life & get an arranged marriage etc.... She also knows ppl that have been down her path, albeit not 'only children' & parents who were younger & thus more understanding. I guess it is all about taking that risk.

All in all it isn't a decision I have to make now, but if the day comes when I need to make it, I need to know for certain I am making the right one.

Thats a crap situation Mike, life is never simple is it??

Good luck (if thats the right term??) and let us know how it ends up

Respect isn't a right, even for parents. If they treat her like a kid when she's 26 then there's a bigger problem than just the religion.

She needs to assert some independence in general

No that is not uncommon in india. My parents and my sister still treat me like kid and i know lot of other people who treat that way, i think its more of culture thing....

Dont do it Mike !

Oh well, they now know about me. Anna has been in Dubai for 2 weeks with her Mum. She told her at the start, without really meaning to. So when I went to pick her up from the airport, her mum knew, but I didn't know she knew & her father didn't know.

They aren't happy & the religion is only half of it, the fact I am white is the other half. Hopefully they will come around - It's going to be an interesting week!!

Sorry bud but I'll tell you right off the bat that you're never going to win in this situation. They'll just pressure her more and more and make it difficult until it gets too much to take.

Plus to them you look like the white guy who's basterdised/westernised their nice little Asian girl whether you actually had anything to do with it or not.

Again I'm sorry to see you in such a shitty situation because despite being a tree hugging Daily Mail hating lefty, you're actually a decent guy.