How Smart Do You Feel?

This is bound to cheer you up!

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti smoking campaign.
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
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"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of
subpoenaed documents.
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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.
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"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President
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"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle
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" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--
Lee Iacocca
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"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." -- Colonel Oliver
North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President
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"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP
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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler,
FCC Chairman


heh heh heh

And if you want to feel really really smart all you need to do is to read the Dan Quayleisms... That guy is a classic


We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle talking about the Mideast situation, 9/22/90 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a -- it is different than the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle when a woman at a hospital in Colorado Springs asked Mr. Quayle whether Hawaii's universal health-care plan might serve as a national model. (reported in the NY Times, 10/7/92 and the Ft. Wayne Journal Gazette 10/11/92)

Somewhere between real and real real.
-- Senator Dan Quayle pinpointing their location to reporters aboard the Quayle campaign plane. (reported in Wall Street Journal, 10/21/8

The US has a vital interest in that area of the country.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle referring to Latin America.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 4/30/91

We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

I love California; I practically grew up in Phoenix.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.
-- Senator Dan Quayle, 9/15/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92, The New Yorker, 10/10/88, p.102)

This election is about who's going to be the next President of the United States!
-- Senator Dan Quayle, 9/2/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is `to be prepared'.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the Phoenix Republican Forum, 3/23/90 (reported in Esquire, 8/92) Also reported by Reuters, 5/2/90

Let me just tell you how thrilling it really is, and how, what a challenge it is, because in 1988 the question is whether we're going forward to tomorrow or whether we're going to go past to the -- to the back!
-- Senator Dan Quayle, 8/17/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle winning friends while speaking to the United Negro College Fund, 5/9/89 This gem has been added to Bartlett's `Familiar Quotations'. (reported in Esquire, 8/92) (reported in the NY Times, 12/9/92)

Take a breath, Al... Inhale.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle politely cutting off Senator Al Gore during the VP Debate in Atlanta, 10/13/92. Gov. Zell Miller of Georgia said that Dan Quayle reminded him of one of his grandkids when they've had too much sugar.

Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
-- Senator Dan Quayle, US News and World Report (10/10/8

Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, Hawaii, 4/25/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle addressing the 20th anniversary celebration of the moon landing, 7/20/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

The loss of life will be irreplaceable.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle after the San Francisco earthquake, 10/19/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

Bobby Knight told me this: ``There is nothing that a good defense cannot beat a better offense.'' In other words a good offense wins.
-- Senator Dan Quayle, in a speech to the City Club of Chicago, comparing the offensive capabilities of the Warsaw Pact with the defensive system of NATO, 9/8/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

It's rural America. It's where I came from. We always refer to ourselves as real America. Rural America, real America, real, real, America.
-- Senator Dan Quayle, 10/20/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

Let me tell you something. As we were walking around in the store, Marilyn and I were just really impressed by all the novelties and the different types of little things that you could get for Christmas. And all the people that would help you, they were dressed up in things that said `I believe in Santa Claus'. And the only thing that I could think is that I believe in George Bush.
-- Senator Dan Quayle at a garden center and produce store in Baltimore (from the Los Angeles Times, Douglas Jehl, 11/6/8

You all look like happy campers to me. Happy campers you are, happy campers you have been, and, as far as I am concerned, happy campers you will always be.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the American Samoans, whose capital Quayle pronounces `Pogo Pogo', 4/25/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

It's a good Supreme Court. They're lawyers... they're judges... they're appointed for life.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle on being asked about the verdict in the Supreme Court ruling on the PA abortion law case. (Broadcast on ABC's `Prime Time Live', August 10, 1992)

We will move forward, we will move upward, and yes, we will move onward.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle to a group of students at a Chicago school, 4/24/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

I've heard people say that [I have a short attention span]. I don't feel I do, because when I'm interested in something I'll stay in focus as long as it is necessary... If you get off on something I'm not very interested in, it's very easy for me to block it out. It's easy for me to block things out.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 12-JAN-92

I was known as the chief grave robber of my state.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle


And lots more at:
http://www.xmission.com/~mwalker/DQ/

Hi all,


A lot of good ones there, I'll just add four little ones:

"French economy has reached the edge of a very high cliff. It is now time to move forward." French President Jacques Chirac

"What does this housewife want more from me, my balls on a plate?" Jacques Chirac about Maggy Thatcher when they were both prime minister

"How can you run a country that has 246 sorts of cheese?" Charles de Gaulle

"The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed." Dan Rather

Ponrauil

i would like to live only 40 years...not more...

Did you notice that some of the ones credited to other people are credited to Dan Quayle in the 2nd post? Makes you wonder if anyone *actually* said them, but they're funny anyway.

Becky

Bush said that, except about America..live on tv too so theres no doubt over if its true or not

I noticed that too. But, like you said, they are still funny.

Good ones !! Thanx for posting

Typical

Great ones! Thanks!