Jokes

jess · #1 01-13-2004, 02:42 PM

New Job

A steelworker walks into a construction site and applies for a job. The site foreman is impressed by his job references and past experiences. He looks fit and has a good personality. He is on the verge of offering the man a job when he notices a break of six months in the employment record.

The foreman asks "What were you doing for six months?"

The steel fixer shuffles his feet a bit and replies "There was an accident on site and I was injured with a disk cutter".

"That's awful", says the foremen, "Was it a bad injury"?

The steel fixer shuffles his feet even more and replies, "Its not something I would want passed around the site, but the disk cutter caught me in the groin and they had to amputate both my testicles in hospital later".

"Well I can see why you wouldn't want that known". Said the foreman. "You look fit enough now and your references are excellent so start tomorrow morning".

"That's great", says the steelworker, "What time do you start on this site".

"Well" says the foreman "We start at 8.00am here, but we normally stand around scratching our balls for the first couple of hours, so you can start at ten".

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Talking Dog

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down."

"So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed.

He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

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British Cowboy

A British cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. The locals always picked on the Brits and when the cowboy was done with his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He comes back in the bar, flips his gun in the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU SNAKES STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprised forcefulness. No one answered.

"ALL RIGHT -- I'M GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER BEER. WHEN I'M DONE, IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE, I'M GOING TO DO WHAT I DID IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T *LIKE* TO DO WHAT I DID IN TEXAS!"

The locals shifted uneasily as they'd never seen anyone quite this upset. When the cowboy finished his beer, he walked back outside and his horse had been returned.

The bartender had followed him out there and asked, "Just out of curiosity, what did you do in Texas?"

"I had to bloody walk home."

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Maybe not for the youngest !!

Hand Job

On their third night after the wedding, the two blissful newlyweds shut off the lights and crawl under the covers. Turning amorously towards his bride, he tenderly informs his wife that tonight he wants a hand job instead of the usual stuff.

She, being the proper girl that she is, had absolutely no idea what a "hand job" was. So, she gets out of bed, puts on her robe and heads for the phone to call her mom. "Mom," she says, "My new hubby wants a hand job and I don't know what he means."

"Oh, Honey," says her mother, "that's real simple. Just grab his thing and shake it like you were trying to get ketchup out of a bottle."

"Gee, Mom, that's easy enough," she replies. So she hangs up the phone, removes her robe and crawls back into the sack. She snuggles up to her lover, grabs his thing firmly with one hand and starts beating the end with the other.

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Read Before Marriage

What's the difference between husbands and prisoners?
Prisoners complain behind bars. Husbands complain in them.

When does a man feel like watering the garden?
After having a six pack.

What's the difference between a happy marriage and a fairy tale?
Fairy tales happen at least once upon a time.

What do women and tax forms have in common?
Men love to cheat on them.

What does a married man say after sex?
Don't tell my wife.

What's the best part of marriage?
Divorce.

Why do husbands appreciate hell?
At least there, they know what they did wrong.

Remember: The Bible says to "Love thy neighbor," but make sure her husband isn't home first.