My new writings

Here are my two new writings. I think they're much better than the first one, and also more agressive. I tried to forget about my BJ influence I used in the other one, and I think it worked really fine. Please tell me your thoughts about them (good or bad). I accept what people say about my stuff and I like every review.

REVENGE

First I thought you were my friend
now I'm sure you're just a piece of sh*t
I wish that I could kick your ass
but that's not my style boy, no.
I'm gonna break you down from the inside
and then take your girl and you won't notice that.
You'll be down on the street bleedin'
from the inside and the outside
and I will be happier than
what I've ever been.
You're gonna cry
like I had a thousand times
You'll be hurt
like you made me feel
Revenge
that's what I want
It's not the best option
but yeah, I'm sure it's the best.
Hope you don't know what to do
and you drive yourself mad
when you're down and mistreated
by everyone you thought
cared about you a lot.
Revenge
that's what I want
It's not the best option I know
but it's more than
just satisfying to me.
Believe me man,
Revenge can kill yourself.

SHOUT

I'm down, like I've been a thousand times
this time's harder, 'cause there's someone
that can be blamed.
I know there can be a million girls
in my life or your life
but this one is the one I love
and I'm sure you're just looking for some fun.
It's hard for me to speak
it's easy for you
'cause you just don't think
You don't care about anyone
but yourself,
You can't have someone
'cause I'm sure she'll be hurt
Everybody needs someone to love
but it shouldn't be the same.
This things are killing me
and my rage is growing fast.
I don't know what I can do
when I don't control myself.
Maybe scream, maybe kill
who knows? I'm sure I don't.
Everyone can be angry
Everyone can be sad
But when there's someone to take the blame,
it's even harder to get through.
In a crime, there's a criminal
but in love there's only a victim.
This is the perfect crime,
can't do anything about it
but SHOUT!!!!!!!!!

Shout!
when you're angry
Shout!
when you're sad
Scream!
do whatever you want
Die!
but confront whatever comes.

My life's ruined today
but I'll try to go on
forget about your piece of crap
and just let myself go.
I will never forget her
'cause I thought she was the one.

Woah....scary! Good to let yourself out like that

Keep On Rockin'

OH man, that's great! Powerful and full of feelings!
Keep up writing wonderfully!

lol, you're completely ****ed up man!!!!!

It was very interesting...... What do you think on them, there were a few ideas, specifically:

"it's more than
just satisfying to me.
Believe me man,
Revenge can kill yourself. ", and from the other poem

"I'm down, like I've been a thousand times
this time's harder, 'cause there's someone
that can be blamed. "

What's the insperation for these poems......

I'm not goign to say too much negative, becuase I do think they're good, certainly for you 3rd attempt? and I'm not posting up things I've written! But, I'd say that the sort of over the top, extreem ideas on death, and killing e.t.c slightly deflect from any idea, or emotion in the piece. To put forward stong emotions, you don't have to make the poem loud, and agressive.
"First I thought you were my friend
now I'm sure you're just a piece of sh*t
I wish that I could kick your ass "
This very 'in your face' element gives a feeling that it's more just bursting out thoughts, as opposed to arranging them to come up with a deeper, or more profound idea. There are certainly some interesting ideas, but I think they could have been more effective with a little more struture to the poem......

Hoever, still a top effort, well done!

Are they meant to be set to music at all?

I may add them music, I've thought of that, but it's hard. Thank you all up there.

I was acutally going to ask if you ever thought of song writing before.

These are much better than your first writing. I especially like Shout.

very good song

you have a really strange name

are you from backstage?