The Gospel Of Chuck Norris

A bit long but I guarantee you'll laugh your butt off...

1. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

2. MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

4. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

5. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

6. Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

7. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

8. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

9. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

10. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 % percent.

11. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

12. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

13. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

14. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

15. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

16. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

17. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

18. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

19. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris. They come together at the Special Olympics.

20. Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

21. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

22. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high-school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

23. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris—robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

24. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

25. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

26. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

27. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

28. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

29. Chuck Norris won ‘Jumanji’ without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

30. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

31. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booya”.

32. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

33. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more “humane”.

34. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

35. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can “accidentally” beat the crap out of little kids.

36. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

37. While playing the role of a Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot outs. When the director explained that he can’t do that, he replied, "Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

38. When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.

39. It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: The Light Side, The Dark Side, and Chuck Norris.

40. Chuck Norris carries a messenger bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.

41. Chuck Norris has a stare that turns your piss into gasoline.

42. God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for a +500 gain to roundhouse ability.

43. Every time Chuck Norris does a roundhouse kick, an angel gets its wings.

44. One day Chuck Norris went shopping and he had grabbed the last can of pea soup off the counter. Just then Steven Seagal, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Godzilla walked in and turned to Chuck Norris and said, "Give us the pea soup Buck Morris!" right then Chuck Norris turned around and went, "The name is Chuck Norris!" and he brutally annihilated all three of them. The pea soup tasted especially good that night.

45. Chuck Norris defeated the Canadian Army with a rusty wooden spoon.

46. Chuck Norris can ejaculate through solid steel.

47. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heart burn.

48. Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

49. In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris is still Chuck Norris.

50. Chuck Norris goes to the toilet once a month, if he needs to or not.

51. Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.

52. Occasionally Chuck Norris will call up the Power Rangers just to say hi.

53. Chuck Norris signed the Declaration Of Independence, The Bill Of Rights, and the Constitution while plundering a poor Asian village.

54. If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies just check the extinct species list.

55. Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter.

56. If Chuck Norris had a dollar and you had a dollar, Chuck would kick your ass and take your dollar.

57. Chuck Norris once fought off 42 ninjas blindfolded, while having sex with 3 women.

58. When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don’t worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

59. Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris’ house is a Total Gym.

60. Ecstasy is actually made by extracting the special serotonin mixture found only the skull of Chuck Norris.

61. When Chuck Norris drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.

62. There is no "I" in team. There is a "I" in Chuck Norris. **** you, team.

63. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

64. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

65. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.


Part two is below......

66. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

67. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

68. Chuck Norris coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

69. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

70. Crop circles are Chuck’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down.

71. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

72. Chuck Norris once beat Super Mario Bros. 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

73. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

74. You are what you eat. That is why Chuck Norris's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

75. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

76. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

77. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Chuck Norris punched himself in the face.

78. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he sticks his penis in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while ****ing another.

79. In fine print at on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

80. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

81. Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

82. Chuck Norris was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.

83. If you were to lock Chuck Norris in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Chuck replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

84. To attain inner peace, Chuck Norris eats Buddhists.

85. On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

86. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

87. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

88. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured the man's blindness. Sadly, the first, last and only thing the man ever saw was a fatal roundhouse kick delivered by Chuck Norris.

89. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

90. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man once ate an Indian.

91. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

92. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

93. Those aren't credits that roll after "Walker: Texas Ranger," it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.

94. Each individual hair in Chuck Norris' beard, has a beard of it's own.

95. Chuck Norris is his own food group.

96. Mere mortals are never allowed to utter such phrases as, "The Sky is Blue" or "Water is Wet" or "Gravity is a law" in the presence of Chuck Norris. Unless said mortal prefers water to be dry, the sky blood-red, and teeth to float weightlessly in the air due to a silent stare and a swift roundhouse from Chuck.

97. The term "nunchuck" was actually coined after Chuck Norris used a pair of Catholic Nuns as weapons to mercilessly beat an angry mob to death. Chuck makes weapons from his surroundings.

98. Chuck Norris hates midgets and is developing a special lower version of his roundhouse kick just for them.

99. Chuck Norris' urine gets 57 miles to the gallon in any Kia. Upon learning that his urine was being used as an alternative energy source to gasoline by a foreign automobile company, Chuck Norris began drinking nuclear waste. Over 1300 Kia owners perished from radiation before scientists identified the problem. Chuck Norris is not sorry.

100. "Run to the Hills" by Iron Maiden was inspired by the time that Chuck Norris chased after and murdered everybody in the universe to Rocky Mountains.

Added by Myguitar and his twisted friend, Tim Creevay:

1. Chuck Norris can eat the colors green, yellow and red, and then crap out a traffic light.

2. Chuck Norris was the first one to land on the moon and said “It’s one small step for mankind, one giant leap for Chuck Norris!”. But things turned sour when NASA credited Neil Armstrong with the moon-landing and the above phrase, so Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Neil into space and then he jumped 40 years ahead into the atmosphere and kicked the Columbia shuttle into disintegration. He now plots to cause a massive tornado by doing lightning quick roundhouses so he can destroy the JFK space center.

3. Chuck Norris was supposed to be nailed to the cross alongside Jesus, but every time they tried to nail his hands to the cross, the nails shot back into the hammering Roman's forehead, causing a shower of gore that spelled "Chuck Norris".

4. Chuck Norris' wife is not worthy of baring his fruit, instead, Chuck Norris bares his own fruit and eventually giving birth to an army of indestructible descendants of the one Chuck Norris!

5. Chuck Norris' sperm smoke Marlboro Reds!

6. Chuck Norris always has a plan!

7. Only Chuck Norris, not the Jedi, can restore the balance in the Republic!

8. Chuck Norris discovered fire by punching a rock, which caused it to spark and start a fire.

9. The original “Survivor” reality show pilot was supposed to be about 20 contestants being dropped onto an island with Chuck Norris and the last man standing was to get the grand prize of $1Million. But Chuck Norris kept roundhousing the winners and taking their money, which he would then use to lure in another 20 unsuspecting contestants.

10. In 2010, the United States has plans to abandon all forms of paper currency, and instead use Chuck Norris as the backbone of their economy.

11. In the future, as we grow collectively as a perfect species, we will all live in round houses.

12. Chuck Norris got married while wearing a tuxedo made out of Bruce Lee's skin. The wedding rings were two of Jet Li's hollowed out vertebrae, dipped in gold and forged in Mordor. Jackie Chan's severed head was used to kiss the bride, and the wedding cake was made out of the souls of all his enemies, except for 2, which he wore as shoes. When the bride said, "I do", Chuck Norris said, "No, you don't!" and roundhouse kicked the priest, because he never hits a woman, unless he has another woman to hit her with available.

13. If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", you'll get "Urchins Rock", but if you do, your eyes will start bleeding.

14. All Urchins are inspected and passed for release into public by Chuck Norris. They are usually turned into punching bags or food for Chuck's famous Urchin Shishkabob! Sometimes he lets them run so he can hunt them!

15. GEICO Insurance has a 97% customer satisfaction rating because the other 3% ran and hid before Chuck Norris could choke them into submission.

16. 4 out of 5 dentists recommend Chuck Norris to their patients that chew gum. The 5th dentist is currently getting his face eaten by Chuck Norris for not recommending Chuck Norris.

you definately need to scale it back, but some of them were really cracking me up.

some of them are reallly funy specailly the roundhouse kick onesandthe having sex before his dad lol

It was too long! Although a few of them were quite fun.

Oh Chuck ..... he is another Jean Claude Vandamme