work and relationships - rant

Not that I am looking for advice or anything cause I sure as heck know what I am supposed to do. The problem is that I can’t. I NEED him and recently I found that it is more than a mere practical need of staffing the engagement.

I am embarrassed to say that I need him to be there. Whatever that means.

Anybody ever had a relationship with someone they worked with? Boss, colleage, staff?

Give me the bad and the ugly and the oh so righteous cause I need it.

Not that I want to get into much detail but I am having a very hard time with someone who works on one of my projects. For the longest time I was able to ignore/brush over it. I managed to shift his focus and remind myself and him about the fact that he was living with his girlfriend, that I was his manager and that he and I are not part of the same generation.

Not too long ago, I (we) thought we were passed it. Until ‘it’ hit once again but 10x stronger than before. He broke up with his girlfriend and upped his hours on my project, which means more time spent together. More time of his is truly what I need for my project but I don't know if he is doing it for the right reasons. I was called in to the office by the partners and had to make a business case to get him pulled off all other work to make himself available to work mostly for me (which means that if we actually had a full on affair and it became known would be really really really really really bad for both of us).

We started doing social stuff together outside of work (I don’t know how that happened … we were so careful of not doing happy hours together. It was either he who made it to the drinking events or me. But we never went out together with the work people. We agreed that the last thing we needed was to be drinking together!!!) Which made for some odd situations where people just didn't understand why he wouldn't come along or I had to go home.... lalalllalllaaa

Smart as we are (fat irony here) we instead hooked up outside of work and work parties … I know what the funk???? He orchestrated that meet up perfectly - it was unplanned and unexpected and took 4 hours to finally meet (crowds). All the while I didn’t know what was going on until it was too late. It was too late when we met on a sunny hot afternoon at a music festival on a lawn, sweaty, in casual clothes, no work people around, no work the next day or the day after the next ... watching some alt rock band only he and I. Standing way too close, laughing way too hard, making eye contact way too often, pressing up against each other way more than the crowds made us.

Time for me to panic.

Never mind.

We once again found ourselves in that situation we both agreed was ‘bad’. Only this time, we can’t get passed it. I don’t know when I lost control, cause I really really tried to hold on, but I now freaking ‘need’ him. In many ways he is the polar opposite of me and that makes me need him more. In other ways he is sooo like me and we understand each other in ways nobody else ever will. Worst thing is that it translates into our work environment. The engagement we work on is for the client from hell. The stress level on my part is insane and at times I totally stress out over it and can’t eat or sleep for days/weeks. Yet, there he is and his mere presence puts me into that place where I feel totally calm and relaxed yet just about panic at the thought of him not being there.

This is bad.

Very bad,

Incredibly bad.

Horrible in fact.

Possibly the end of me.

Taking him off my project is not an option. …. …. Not really. … … For one, he has turned into my strongest player and secondly, he is molding his career on my project. He is giving me his everything and I owe him for that. Plus, I need him. The days he isn't on my project or I am not at the client site with him are torture. Good lord that sounds juvenile!!!

Tonight we had promotions celebrations. He and I went there together and we are the perfect team. Nothing ever needs to be articulated, we get there, walk in, he goes left and I go right, we don’t talk/make eye contact/acknowledge each other until hours later – casually. And when we do finally meet up, the tension between us is so thick you could cut it with a knife. He stands wayyy too close and I can't turn away. Mind you, we are not having an affair. But I don’t know how much longer I can keep it together.

Well my only advice is go for it lol.... Anyway I'm sure u can't stand him going out with anyone else.. and it will be the same situation for him also. And you both are not seeing anyone, so there is no problem. Well fear of everyone coming to know about it.. well try to hid as much possible.. if they come to know then well.. You guys not doing anything wrong. But I warn you having relationship with someone who u spend most of your time... not always good thing... Now if your wondering how i know all this.. Well cause i'm having affair with my colleague . Well it started as harmless thing... now its standing in the door of relationship. Well I made it clear to her that I don't want to have relationship with someone who i can spend time 24X7 and later when situation changes.. it may happends. But fact of the matter is....I can't stand her lossing her... So its very tricky situation and she she next to me remember...Well i feel like its a trap...

Two years ago when I was a manager, I asked out one of the people who worked under/for me. The situation you describe was similar to mine, it was about a 3 month period of high-stress due to the holiday season, this person is in close proximity a lot, necessary to the cause, and just plain makes you feel good when you don't have reason to.

We did end up going out, but cut it off shortly thereafter, a combination of it being awkward, and me not expressing my intentions well enough.

I'm of a divided mind on the issue now. When my brain is being rational, I say that I never should've done that, not in a million years. She could've screwed with my life so many different ways...and I'd still probably be in deep dirt from it. On the other hand, the non-rational part of my brain looks back and says "Damn."

Dating at work is a bad idea, period, full stop, end of story. In today's world of fifteen minute relationships and instantaneous hookups and breakups, it's not a good idea to go possibly putting your financial future in the hands of someone who may become irrationally unhappy with you.

If one of the two is in a position of power over the other, it morphs from simple bad idea to using a pogo-stick in a minefield bad idea.

Some people will though. In your position, I'd be polite, professional, nice, and then ASAP get this guy transferred as far away as possible. Then and only then, would anything else cross my mind. Your mileage may vary.

Adrian

Edit:Wow. I thought I was the only one who posted these kind of threads. Nice to know I'm not alone in that regard.

...how long is the project for?...can you keep things simmering until it's over and then will it matter if your seen as a couple?

Sounds like some serious chemistry going on between you...along with head and heart battles good luck...and it saves going on a diet

Ah gee Maria - that's a tough one. One of the favorite lines in one of my favorite movies states: Don't shit where you eat. This is always good advice LOL. Yet - I have a vey close friend that married one of his co-workers (after being warned away from her by the powers that be) and they now have 2 kids over 21.

Obviously the question of favoritism comes up with all the ugliness involved. Another consideration is that you may THINK that nobody else knows - but you can be sure that someone does - and will talk about it eventually (to the wrong people too). I became an unwitting participant in a 60 year olds affair with a 20 year old office assistant back in the seventies simply because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time through no fault of my own. I saw them meeting about 5 blocks away from the office - and climbing all over each other because they thought they were safe there. As predicted it turned ugly after about 18 months (not because I said anything either). Both of them wound up leaving the company.

So I guess that my advice would be make sure that this is something important enough to you to realize the risks that you are taking. I know that you love your job and would not want to lose it. Personally - I don't see at as such a big deal. There have always been offices - and when both genders work together - there will always be sex. This is actually a good thing in my opinion - pleasure should come into your life from some direction.

So if you are going to continue with this person - have fun

well, I am glad I am not the only freak who develops feelings for a co-worker. Though, honestly, it has never happened before. Partly because I will not let myself even think about it - the option of getting involved with someone at work has been absolutely non-existant for me. (there are probably borderline righteous posts of mine to that effect on this board somewhere).

While this was for the most part only physical attraction, I could hack it. Just distance myself from him and not get caught in the file room with him. Now, this has spread to be rather emotionally involving and that is what makes it so freaking hard.

Allwyn, the option of us having a fling is not available. No matter how it would end it would end for him or me having to leave our current job. Sooner or later. I worked very hard for my career and despite the fact that I am the woman and he is the man, given our levels it probably would be him who had to leave. I could never do that to him.

Windy Miller - I guess that is what I need to keep in mind. This part of the project will continue until the beginning of December, then I'll be out of town on training, take vacation, go to another training and come late January we'll see where we are. The problem is that we work in the same group and he is developing an expertise in the same line as mine is. Which means that he will continue to work on my projects, but hopefully not in such intense environments.....

Allwyn, I don't think I would mind if he saw someone else. (kinda) That would make the whole thing 'impossible' again and that would be good.

ARghhhh.....

And, no, I don't think I want a relationship with him... I couldn't picture it... but I still need to be around him ... constantly ... how ****ed is that?

Ha! Or fishing in your own pond

Stuff like this happens all the time, I know. I know a bunch people who married people from work. Especially in an environment that is high stress and takes a lot of time. YOu kinda have to hook up with someone at work or you don't hook up period. I just thought I was above all that :S

My advice is to talk to him about and agree that you should keep everything off until the end of the project you're both full time on. If "love" is strong enough it can wait even though you can't

Then when that project is over and before even thinking of starting a new one in the same conditions, re-consider your potential relationship, discuss the consequences with him and agree on the different options (you both change jobs, one of you has to make a sacrifice, you both keep your jobs), and if it still goes forward between the two of you, advise your boss(es) about the whole situation. He/she will only have the possibility to acknowledge you both acted professionally.

I think that's the "win-win" option...

And by the way, I'm happy for you.


Ponrauil

ah, finally something interesting going on on this board. It had to be spunky

regarding advise, I am just a kid so I have no damn clue....can't be of much help there. however, i always perceived it as a thrill to try to hook up with a superior, whoever that was ...teacher, professor, advisor, consultant...hope that guy is older than me though :P

keep us updated ...please...

Dude!!! This is sooooo pre-mature. We don’t talk about ‘it’. We pretend it isn’t happening. We don’t acknowledge it. We just stand too close, talk too much, smile at each other too intensely… you know….

No no no … this can’t be happening!!! I can’t start a relationship with him … I just need to get over it….. The mere thought about it scares the shit out of me!!!! :S

getting over it and ignoring it sounds like win-win to me

naturally


see that is what I am keeping in mind also. He most definitely is fully aware on the affect he has on women! I’ve been paying attention and he most definitely uses his charm, smile, eyes to his advantage. I don’t know if it is just a thrill to him or even just ‘him’ – charming the women…. You know… I’ve done the same before *gulp*…

*swallows hard* how old are you? *blushes* …..

Age obviously being another factor why I can’t go there…. Though he truly is so way more mature than a lot of guys his age….