Not that I am looking for advice or anything cause I sure as heck know what I am supposed to do. The problem is that I can’t. I NEED him and recently I found that it is more than a mere practical need of staffing the engagement.

I am embarrassed to say that I need him to be there. Whatever that means.

Anybody ever had a relationship with someone they worked with? Boss, colleage, staff?

Give me the bad and the ugly and the oh so righteous cause I need it.

Not that I want to get into much detail but I am having a very hard time with someone who works on one of my projects. For the longest time I was able to ignore/brush over it. I managed to shift his focus and remind myself and him about the fact that he was living with his girlfriend, that I was his manager and that he and I are not part of the same generation.

Not too long ago, I (we) thought we were passed it. Until ‘it’ hit once again but 10x stronger than before. He broke up with his girlfriend and upped his hours on my project, which means more time spent together. More time of his is truly what I need for my project but I don't know if he is doing it for the right reasons. I was called in to the office by the partners and had to make a business case to get him pulled off all other work to make himself available to work mostly for me (which means that if we actually had a full on affair and it became known would be really really really really really bad for both of us).

We started doing social stuff together outside of work (I don’t know how that happened … we were so careful of not doing happy hours together. It was either he who made it to the drinking events or me. But we never went out together with the work people. We agreed that the last thing we needed was to be drinking together!!!) Which made for some odd situations where people just didn't understand why he wouldn't come along or I had to go home.... lalalllalllaaa

Smart as we are (fat irony here) we instead hooked up outside of work and work parties … I know what the funk???? He orchestrated that meet up perfectly - it was unplanned and unexpected and took 4 hours to finally meet (crowds). All the while I didn’t know what was going on until it was too late. It was too late when we met on a sunny hot afternoon at a music festival on a lawn, sweaty, in casual clothes, no work people around, no work the next day or the day after the next ... watching some alt rock band only he and I. Standing way too close, laughing way too hard, making eye contact way too often, pressing up against each other way more than the crowds made us.

Time for me to panic.

Never mind.

We once again found ourselves in that situation we both agreed was ‘bad’. Only this time, we can’t get passed it. I don’t know when I lost control, cause I really really tried to hold on, but I now freaking ‘need’ him. In many ways he is the polar opposite of me and that makes me need him more. In other ways he is sooo like me and we understand each other in ways nobody else ever will. Worst thing is that it translates into our work environment. The engagement we work on is for the client from hell. The stress level on my part is insane and at times I totally stress out over it and can’t eat or sleep for days/weeks. Yet, there he is and his mere presence puts me into that place where I feel totally calm and relaxed yet just about panic at the thought of him not being there.

This is bad.

Very bad,

Incredibly bad.

Horrible in fact.

Possibly the end of me.

Taking him off my project is not an option. …. …. Not really. … … For one, he has turned into my strongest player and secondly, he is molding his career on my project. He is giving me his everything and I owe him for that. Plus, I need him. The days he isn't on my project or I am not at the client site with him are torture. Good lord that sounds juvenile!!!

Tonight we had promotions celebrations. He and I went there together and we are the perfect team. Nothing ever needs to be articulated, we get there, walk in, he goes left and I go right, we don’t talk/make eye contact/acknowledge each other until hours later – casually. And when we do finally meet up, the tension between us is so thick you could cut it with a knife. He stands wayyy too close and I can't turn away. Mind you, we are not having an affair. But I don’t know how much longer I can keep it together.