Pretty good, but it's kinda repetitive. Maybe you should add a different angle in some point, some optimism (a la Bon Jovi) or some hatered. Now it seems like you've given up and are content on being the sad one.
Overall I like the second paragraph more, but I still would add something to the poem, for it not to come out as whiny.
Ice
__________________
D.Barry:"People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them."
M.Brooks: "If presidents can't do it to their wives, they do it to their country."
Only dead fish go with the flow.
|