This is my third edit, trying to explain exactly why coldplay make my skin crawl so.

It more or less boils down to the fact that the character of Ross from Friends is almost certainly a huge fan. Nothing would make him happier than a double bill of Hootie and the Blowfish and Coldplay.

A beige facsimile of genuine passion, belief, melody and excitement. That bloody falsetto. A baby named Apple. The inescapable eco-friendly smugness. It's 'aspirational' music. An accessory for a starbucks lifestyle. Plain. Bloody. Awful.