Jovitalk - Bon Jovi Fan Community - "OFFICIAL" BONGIOVIS THREAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow. This one's over 3000 words already- I've had to stop where I am because it was too much to put into one episode- I will continue it as soon as I return from my holiday on Friday or Saturday!

ENJOY!

Love
Laura

Adrenalin Junkie and Soulfunk Harlem Brother go to the Cinema...

*Richie and Heather are staying with Jon and Dorothea. The women have gone out for the evening, and so have Stephanie, Jesse and Jake, to god knows where, leaving Captain Kidd and the King of Swing at home alone. Jon is sat in Sanctuary 2, behind the piano, once again looking for inspiration, but nothing is coming, and Richie is lying on the bed in his room, with his guitar resting on his stomach, counting the cracks in the ceiling. After a few hours of just sitting there starring at the keys, Jon gives up trying, but continues to stare at the keys. Richie gives up, but goes down to Sanctuary 2, and sticks his head through the door*

Richie: Dude- your guest room is the most UNINSPIRATIONAL room I have ever been in. Why the hell is it Salmon pink?
Jon: *not looking up* Because Mum stays in there. She likes Salmon pink.
Richie: It's your house! Stand up to her, for crying out loud!
Jon: *Still not looking up* Tried it. Can't do it. Can't attempt it. Can't even write a song about it...hey, wait!

*He starts knocking out some blusey chords on the piano*

Jon: *In a soul/jazz singer crooner voice*
My mother's a salmon pink- loving demon,
Wicked witch of the west with Supayoungskin cream on, baybeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
She's always treating me like a kid
And I just want to smother her in her sleep some times,
But I can just dream on, oooooooooooooooooooooooooooh, Yeah

Richie:*makes funny face, then, sarcastically* Tell it like it is, soulfunk Harlem brother.
Jon: No, huh?
Richie: I can't really see the fans warming to that one, and are you forgetting you have CCTV in here? with sound?
Jon: *quizzically* What of it?
Richie: Your security guy is your mother's next door neighbour...
Jon: )*&")*!
Richie: Come on, let's get out of here, before he rings her and she hightails it over here in her batmobile. Better take the back, so Dorothea doesn't see you go.
Jon: *Panicky, wide eyed* They're all out...there'd be no witnesses...she wouldn't even be done for manslaughter...RUN!!!!!!!!!!!

*Fearing for Jon's life, they both make a mad dash out of the house, and jump into Richie's car, not really putting any thought into where they intend on going. They drive around the suburbs for a bit, then they are hit with an idea*

Jon: Hey, why don't we go to the cinema?
Richie: Er...are you sure that's such a good idea? All those people? We're bound to be recognised.
Jon: How can it be bad?! We're hidden from my mother, we get entertained for a few hours, I get all my best inspirations from lines in films, so we might even cure this bloody writer's block! And you know, those cinemas go awfully dark, so maybe we could...
Richie: *Eyes wide in horror* Maybe we could what?!?!
Jon: *shrugs* just a thought! It's the mood lighting, y'know? Cinemas have this strange effect on me - they're so romantic. Makes you wanna...
Richie: *angry and scared* Makes you want to what?! Jon, what's up with you?!?!
Jon: Nothing! *composes himself, and resumes Manly mode*

*they drive to the local multiplex in silence, Richie always keeping a watch on Jon from the corner of his eye. When they get there, they go and have a look at what films are on*

Richie: Oh my God, Titanic?!?
Jon: I LOVE that film! *does silly British accent* "Jack, no! Jack, I won't let go! No!" *normal, yet somewhat dreamy voice* That film is sooooooooo romantic!
Richie: *mimicking the dreamy voice* And we're sooooooooooo not going to see it! AGAIN!
Jon: We only went 4 times.
Richie: 6.
Jon: 6? Was it really?
Richie: Yes. And I hated it 6 times.
Jon: PLEASE, Richie? Please! It's a quintessential post-modern irony of the 1912 disaster maiden voyage of a freak of engineering, that signalled a change in the way machines would work forever. The romantic element is secondary to the drama, of course, but it manages to convey the true spirit of all those people! Travelling on the ship of dreams to the Land of the free and the home of the brave! Only to have their hopes and dreams dashed by a gargantuant force of nature! Can't you see genius, Richie, can't you SEE?
Richie: Jesus, Jon, it's a sappy romantic love story, with hammy acting, cheesy music and a bloody great ice cube, and we are NOT GOING TO SEE IT AGAIN!

*awkward pause*
Jon: So, that's a maybe?
Richie: Yeah, it's a maybe. But what about the Matrix 2?
Jon: Seen it.
Richie: Well I haven't.
Jon: But I never go and watch a film twice.
Richie: No, you're right. You go and watch it six times, and still you sob like a woman when Jack dies!
Jon: *looks hurt* I didn't sob the last two times.
Richie: I don't care. So no to The Matrix?
Jon: *sulking* No to the Matrix.
Richie: Lord of The Rings?
Jon: Nope
Richie: 2 Fast 2 Furious?
Jon: Nope
Richie: Terminator 3?
Jon: You're a bit of an Adrenalin junkie, aren't you? *Richie Nods* Ok, T3 it is. I liek Arnie.
Richie: Great! *turns t to get the tickets*
Jon: Actually, no. He'd understand. I'm not really in the mood for action.
Richie: *exhasperated* Well what are you in the mood for? Shall we just go to Hugh's Dad's for a Happy meal and then go home?
Jon: No, we're here now! I want to see a film!
Richie: *sighs* Ok, how about a classic then? They're showing a couple of old black and white ones.
Jon: *cheers up a bit* What ones?
Richie: The Quick and the Dead? Or Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid? Or if we rush, we can catch The Good, the bad and the ugly!
Jon: I'm not really in a Western mood.
Richie: Dude! We are looking for inspiration here! Another "Wanted" sure wouldn't do us any damage! Hell, we could even do with a "Blaze of Glory" at the moment!
Jon: Will you PLEASE stop bashing that song? It happened to be nominated for an Oscar!
Richie: And it happened to lose, too. *sighs heavily* Ok then, No Westerns. Well...To Kill a Mockingbird?
Jon: Nah, too heavy.
Richie: *reads the rest of the Classics board. His eyes widen in horror, and he pushes Jon away before he reads it* No other Classics on tonight! Oh Well! Lets go and see, erm, Johnny English!

*Before Jon can protest, Richie has dragged him over to the box office, and bought the tickets, and they are on their way. They get to their seats with seconds to spare, and settle down to watch the film*

Jon: Are you SURE there were no other black and white ones?
Richie: Absolutely positive! There were NO others, just 3 Westerns and To Kill a Mockingbird. Nope. No others.
Jon: Oh, Ok. Hey, I'll be back in a minute, I'm going to go and get some Popcorn.
Richie: NO WAIT! The Popcorn stand is in full view of the Classics board, isn't it? Well, I wouldn't want you getting upset that there's nothing you like on there, so I'll go!

*Richie runs off before Jon can reply to him, and makes it out into the Foyer, where he runs to the queue for Popcorn, and bumps into someone in his haste; a shortish man, wearing a hat and dark glasses.*

Tico: Watch it, Hombre!
Richie: Teek! What a suprise!
Tico: Senõr Sambora! SHHHH! *ducks behind the Icecream fridge and takes Richie With him, and then speaks in a whisper* I am in great danger!
Richie: *talking normally* From who?
Tico: SHHHHHHH!
Richie: Oh sorry *exaggerated whisper* From who?
Tico: Ex wife number 7! She's here!
Richie: Oh...remind me?
Tico: Alison- we actually got on really well after she left, but we were at this mutual friend's party a few months ago, and she kind of got the wrong idea...
Richie: Ah! *pats Tico on the back* I know exactly how you feel, my man! You have my sympathy.
Tico: Well, she kind of thought that I was interested, as well any woman might fool themselves into thinking, because well, I AM Tico!
*Richie Rolls his eyes*
Tico: Well, she gave me her number, and I promised I'd call, and I never did, but she's HERE!
Richie: ooooh, Nightmare! Why don't you just leave?
Tico: I have a girlfriend in three different screens at the moment, and as far as they know, when I go to sit with one of the others, I've gone to the bathroom or to get popcorn or to make a phonecall...It's actually going rather well! But I can't afford to leave- they're all Mud wrestlers.
Richie: All three?
Tico: Yeah...funny, that, ain't it amigo? Interesting hobby. But anyway- they'd jump me if I left, and not in the way I was intending, you know?
Richie: Ah, Ok. Well, I have to be getting back to Jon- He's in a funny mood
Tico: Hombre! You are not watching Titanic, are you?
Richie: No, but he wanted to.
Tico: We went to see it together 5 times- he cries like a girl every time!
Richie: I've been with him 6.
Tico: Holy mother of Cuba, he's addicted.
Richie: Tell me about it- anyway-
Tico: Hombre, there is only one film you'd be worse off with! The S...
Richie: SHHHHH! It's showing on the Classics screen, as far as he knows, there's nothing but Westerns and To Kill a Mockingbird.
Tico: Santa Maria, Richie! Whatever you do, don't let him see that film!
Richie: Don't worry, I won't! See you later! And good luck with the... mud wrestling.

*Tico waves, then sneaks off behind the confectionary stands. Richie makes his way back to Jon, and sits down, completely forgetting the Popcorn. The film is about five minutes in*

Jon: *whisper* Buttered or Salted?
Richie: Buggered, actually, it's odds on Alison will pick a film he's watching with one of the Mudwrestlers, but hey! He's got out of worse scrapes than this.
Jon: *looks at Richie quizzically* The popcorn is buggered?
Richie: No! Ti...(^%$^&! Popcorn!
*About half the cinema turn around and glare at Richie*
Half the cinema: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Richie:*whispers* Sorry!
Jon: Ah hell, come on. This film sucks- lets go see the Terminator.

*They get up and leave, and buy tickets for the Terminator. They have a few minutes to spare, so they join the queue for popcorn. Richie gets a packet of Footos and Jon gets a big Bucket of Tofee popcorn. They make their way into the cinema, just as the trailers for other films are starting.*

Jon: Please say those aren't our seats! *he points to the only 2 vacant seats, behind a guy with giant afro*
Richie: *looks at the tickets* erm...
Jon: Oh for the love of god.

* They go and sit down behind the guy with the giant afro, and attempt to watch the film, but it soon becomes apparent that they will not be able to see anything south of Arnold Schwartzanegger's forehead. Despite his original reluctance to watch the film, Jon gets really annoyed by this, and Richie can see it building up in him. After about quarter of an hour, the guy leaves, telling whoever he was with that he was going to get popcorn, and when he comes back, says something to his companion that they cannot hear, and they both leave. Jon and Richie calm down, watching the whole of the screen while they can, when there's a loud bang from the back of the cinema, followed by a scream and a shower of popcorn, covering the whole cinema. Everyone looks around to see about 10 girls, aged between 10 and 14, running down the steps and out of the cinema, and two boys at the back of the cinema, wearing camouflage gear and paint, laughing their heads off, holding an empty megasize bucket of popcorn with a hole blown through the side of it. Everyone turns back around when the commotion seems to have cooled down.
However, five minutes later, a similar bang and scream follow, only this time followed by a shower of sticky fruit chews. The audience grumble far more openly this time.*

Jon: Jesus Christ! Kids today! You'd think they'd be brought up properly, I mean...
Richie: Er, do those kids look familiar to you?
Jon *not paying any attention at all to Richie* I blame the parents, I really do. What Kind of halfwitted, dumbass mother and father bring children up to bring a cap gun to the cinema?
Richie: Jon, I think...
Jon: Well, I ask you! Actually, I don't really blame the mother so much, boys should be reigned in by their father! And theirs is obviously a complete cretin. That or they haven't got one; which actually might be better for them than a father who allows them to run riot. And they're too young to see this film anyway! Why, if that was Jesse and Jake I'd...
Richie: *sigh* You'd what?
Jon: Well, I'd....I'd...I don't know, actually, but then I suppose...
Richie: Well you'd better think of what you'd do about it quickly, because those kids ARE Jesse and Jake.

*Jon spins around so fast that his neck clicks. Sure enough, despite the darkness, when he payed attention to their faces, they were unmistakeably his sons, sat near the back of the cinema, with a cap gun and a look of mischeivious pride hidden in warpaint he knew so well on their faces. His own face went bright red*

Jon: Richie?
Richie: Yes?
Jon: You take the gun and the bucket out of their hands, then I'll deal with them. Alright?
Richie: Ok Boss.
Jon: We'll have to be quick. So on my count, we'll use the old Advance and ambush technique *Richie Nods* Three...two...one...GO RICHIE GO!

*The whole cinema turns to look at the two men scrambling up to the back of the cinema, hopping over the heads of the other members of the audience. Jesse and Jake realise, in horror, just what is happening, but too late to make any escape. Richie Jumps on them, throws the popcorn bucket away, grabs the gun and aims it at them. Jon Jumps behind them, picks them both up by their collars, and drags them out of the cinema backwards, to a resounding round of applause from the audience. When they make it out ot the harsh light of the foyer, Jon drops the boys and takes the gun of Richie*

Jon: What the HELL do you two think you're playing at! That film is HIGHLY unsuitable for you! And you told me and your mother you were going to a friend's house!

*Jesse and Jake look embarrassed*

Jon: WELL? What have you got to say for yourselves?
Jesse: If you hadn't confiscated our stuff, then we wouldn't have felt the need to run off to see a film we're not allowed to.
Jake: Yeah. You drove us to it.
Jon: I confiscated your stuff because you were trying to kill the dog with it! And speaking of that stuff, hey...I CONFISCATED THIS CAP GUN!
Jesse: You really should change the places where you hide our stuff dad. You've been confiscating it for years, and can you even once remember giving any of it back?
Jon: Well yes, of course!...actually...YOU THEIVING LITTLE SCUMBAGS! HOW DARE YOU STEAL FROM YOUR OWN FATHER! AND HOW DARE YOU RUN OFF WHEN I HAVE TOLD YOU YOU ARE NOT TO LEAVE YOUR FRIENDS HOUSE UNTIL I COME AND GET YOU! AND HOW DARE YOU LIE TO ME, AND THEN GO OFF AND SEE A FILM WHICH YOU KNOW I HAVE FORBIDDEN YOU TO SEE! YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTE DISGRACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Jon Finished his angry tirade, waving the capgun all the while to illustrate his point, and looks up from his two sons, who both look shellshocked. Everyone in the foyer is looking at him, with disapproving looks. Jesse and Jake look up and around them, to see sympathetic eyes smiling down at them all around. Then, they realise that they have the upper hand, and can use the ultimate weapon against their father.

They Begin to Cry.*

Jon: DON'T TURN THE WATERWORKS ON! YOU KNOW YOU were in...the...oh, come on now boys, cheer up! You were extremely badly behaved, and you really should be taking your punishment like the young men you are...

*the boys continue to sob hysterically. Mutters from the crowd can be heard of "Bad father", "Child abuse" et cetera. Jon kneels down and speaks calmly and serenely to the boys, in an almost whisper, while he gets his wallet out of his pocket*

Jon: *smiling fixedly* Now listen here, you evil little brats. I am going to give you ten bucks each if you shut up and get the hell out of here
Jesse: *still snivelling* But where do...
Jon: *Still being calm and serene* I don't give a damn! Just go, but I want you home by ten, and if you aren't, so help me GOD I'll give these people a reason to call me a bad father! Kapeesh?
Jake: *sniff* Fifteen
Jon: What?
Jake: Fifteen bucks.
Jon: No, Ten.

*Jake starts to howl even louder than before. Richie kneels down beside him, and has to shout to be heard*

Richie: Kid, I'll give you both $20 to shut up!
Jake: *Stops immediately* Deal.

*Richie hands over the Forty bucks, and the pair Run off. The crowd, though still occasionally shooting acid glares at Jon, disperse, and the pair ponder what to do next. Jon doesn't want to go back in and see the rest of Terminator three, so finally, after about a quarter of an hour, Richie relents, and they go and see titanic. They arrive having missed the boring bit with the old woman at the beginning, and sit down, with a fresh bucket of Popcorn and packet of footos. As most people on the planet have already been to see it, the cinema is mostly empty, except for one other pair of people . The lights go down, and Jon's eyes go wide like a kid at Christmas. Richie buries his head in his hands and sinks down into his seat.*

Richie: *muffled voice from behind his hands* How long is this film?
Jon: Almost three hours! Isn't that GREAT?
Richie: *sob* Yes, it's wonderful...
Jon: Are you watching? You're going to miss the bit where Jack and Fabrizio win their tickets! Awh, isn't it just so sad! They were so glad to be going, and they both die! *he wipes a tear from his eye*
Richie: *looks up at Jon in exhasperation* You will never know how hard I find it to believe the same man who just shouted blue murder at Jesse and Jake is sat in here CRYING over something that hasn't even HAPPENED ina film he has seen A MILLION TIMES! my GOD! There's only one film you're worse with!

Part 2: Skullmonkey, Mrs B, and Jon's favourite film!
Coming soon!