Jovitalk - Bon Jovi Fan Community - "OFFICIAL" BONGIOVIS THREAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Adrenalin Junkie and Soulfunk Harlem Brother go to the Cinema...

Here we are!
For all those who didn't see it, Part one is here as well as part 2!
Please let me know what you think!
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*Richie and Heather are staying with Jon and Dorothea. The women have gone out for the evening, and so have Stephanie, Jesse and Jake, to god knows where, leaving Captain Kidd and the King of Swing at home alone. Jon is sat in Sanctuary 2, behind the piano, once again looking for inspiration, but nothing is coming, and Richie is lying on the bed in his room, with his guitar resting on his stomach, counting the cracks in the ceiling. After a few hours of just sitting there starring at the keys, Jon gives up trying, but continues to stare at the keys. Richie gives up, but goes down to Sanctuary 2, and sticks his head through the door*

Richie: Dude- your guest room is the most UNINSPIRATIONAL room I have ever been in. Why the hell is it Salmon pink?
Jon: *not looking up* Because Mum stays in there. She likes Salmon pink.
Richie: It's your house! Stand up to her, for crying out loud!
Jon: *Still not looking up* Tried it. Can't do it. Can't attempt it. Can't even write a song about it...hey, wait!

*He starts knocking out some blusey chords on the piano*

Jon: *In a soul/jazz singer crooner voice*
My mother's a salmon pink- loving demon,
Wicked witch of the west with Supayoungskin cream on, baybeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
She's always treating me like a kid
And I just want to smother her in her sleep some times,
But I can just dream on, oooooooooooooooooooooooooooh, Yeah

Richie:*makes funny face, then, sarcastically* Tell it like it is, soulfunk Harlem brother.
Jon: No, huh?
Richie: I can't really see the fans warming to that one, and are you forgetting you have CCTV in here? with sound?
Jon: *quizzically* What of it?
Richie: Your security guy is your mother's next door neighbour...
Jon: )*&")*!
Richie: Come on, let's get out of here, before he rings her and she hightails it over here in her batmobile. Better take the back, so Dorothea doesn't see you go.
Jon: *Panicky, wide eyed* They're all out...there'd be no witnesses...she wouldn't even be done for manslaughter...RUN!!!!!!!!!!!

*Fearing for Jon's life, they both make a mad dash out of the house, and jump into Richie's car, not really putting any thought into where they intend on going. They drive around the suburbs for a bit, then they are hit with an idea*

Jon: Hey, why don't we go to the cinema?
Richie: Er...are you sure that's such a good idea? All those people? We're bound to be recognised.
Jon: How can it be bad?! We're hidden from my mother, we get entertained for a few hours, I get all my best inspirations from lines in films, so we might even cure this bloody writer's block! And you know, those cinemas go awfully dark, so maybe we could...
Richie: *Eyes wide in horror* Maybe we could what?!?!
Jon: *shrugs* just a thought! It's the mood lighting, y'know? Cinemas have this strange effect on me - they're so romantic. Makes you wanna...
Richie: *angry and scared* Makes you want to what?! Jon, what's up with you?!?!
Jon: Nothing! *composes himself, and resumes Manly mode*

*they drive to the local multiplex in silence, Richie always keeping a watch on Jon from the corner of his eye. When they get there, they go and have a look at what films are on*

Richie: Oh my God, Titanic?!?
Jon: I LOVE that film! *does silly British accent* "Jack, no! Jack, I won't let go! No!" *normal, yet somewhat dreamy voice* That film is sooooooooo romantic!
Richie: *mimicking the dreamy voice* And we're sooooooooooo not going to see it! AGAIN!
Jon: We only went 4 times.
Richie: 6.
Jon: 6? Was it really?
Richie: Yes. And I hated it 6 times.
Jon: PLEASE, Richie? Please! It's a quintessential post-modern irony of the 1912 disaster maiden voyage of a freak of engineering, that signalled a change in the way machines would work forever. The romantic element is secondary to the drama, of course, but it manages to convey the true spirit of all those people! Travelling on the ship of dreams to the Land of the free and the home of the brave! Only to have their hopes and dreams dashed by a gargantuant force of nature! Can't you see genius, Richie, can't you SEE?
Richie: Jesus, Jon, it's a sappy romantic love story, with hammy acting, cheesy music and a bloody great ice cube, and we are NOT GOING TO SEE IT AGAIN!

*awkward pause*
Jon: So, that's a maybe?
Richie: Yeah, it's a maybe. But what about the Matrix 2?
Jon: Seen it.
Richie: Well I haven't.
Jon: But I never go and watch a film twice.
Richie: No, you're right. You go and watch it six times, and still you sob like a woman when Jack dies!
Jon: *looks hurt* I didn't sob the last two times.
Richie: I don't care. So no to The Matrix?
Jon: *sulking* No to the Matrix.
Richie: Lord of The Rings?
Jon: Nope
Richie: 2 Fast 2 Furious?
Jon: Nope
Richie: Terminator 3?
Jon: You're a bit of an Adrenalin junkie, aren't you? *Richie Nods* Ok, T3 it is. I liek Arnie.
Richie: Great! *turns t to get the tickets*
Jon: Actually, no. He'd understand. I'm not really in the mood for action.
Richie: *exhasperated* Well what are you in the mood for? Shall we just go to Hugh's Dad's for a Happy meal and then go home?
Jon: No, we're here now! I want to see a film!
Richie: *sighs* Ok, how about a classic then? They're showing a couple of old black and white ones.
Jon: *cheers up a bit* What ones?
Richie: The Quick and the Dead? Or Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid? Or if we rush, we can catch The Good, the bad and the ugly!
Jon: I'm not really in a Western mood.
Richie: Dude! We are looking for inspiration here! Another "Wanted" sure wouldn't do us any damage! Hell, we could even do with a "Blaze of Glory" at the moment!
Jon: Will you PLEASE stop bashing that song? It happened to be nominated for an Oscar!
Richie: And it happened to lose, too. *sighs heavily* Ok then, No Westerns. Well...To Kill a Mockingbird?
Jon: Nah, too heavy.
Richie: *reads the rest of the Classics board. His eyes widen in horror, and he pushes Jon away before he reads it* No other Classics on tonight! Oh Well! Lets go and see, erm, Johnny English!

*Before Jon can protest, Richie has dragged him over to the box office, and bought the tickets, and they are on their way. They get to their seats with seconds to spare, and settle down to watch the film*

Jon: Are you SURE there were no other black and white ones?
Richie: Absolutely positive! There were NO others, just 3 Westerns and To Kill a Mockingbird. Nope. No others.
Jon: Oh, Ok. Hey, I'll be back in a minute, I'm going to go and get some Popcorn.
Richie: NO WAIT! The Popcorn stand is in full view of the Classics board, isn't it? Well, I wouldn't want you getting upset that there's nothing you like on there, so I'll go!

*Richie runs off before Jon can reply to him, and makes it out into the Foyer, where he runs to the queue for Popcorn, and bumps into someone in his haste; a shortish man, wearing a hat and dark glasses.*

Tico: Watch it, Hombre!
Richie: Teek! What a suprise!
Tico: Senõr Sambora! SHHHH! *ducks behind the Icecream fridge and takes Richie With him, and then speaks in a whisper* I am in great danger!
Richie: *talking normally* From who?
Tico: SHHHHHHH!
Richie: Oh sorry *exaggerated whisper* From who?
Tico: Ex wife number 7! She's here!
Richie: Oh...remind me?
Tico: Alison- we actually got on really well after she left, but we were at this mutual friend's party a few months ago, and she kind of got the wrong idea...
Richie: Ah! *pats Tico on the back* I know exactly how you feel, my man! You have my sympathy.
Tico: Well, she kind of thought that I was interested, as well any woman might fool themselves into thinking, because well, I AM Tico!
*Richie Rolls his eyes*
Tico: Well, she gave me her number, and I promised I'd call, and I never did, but she's HERE!
Richie: ooooh, Nightmare! Why don't you just leave?
Tico: I have a girlfriend in three different screens at the moment, and as far as they know, when I go to sit with one of the others, I've gone to the bathroom or to get popcorn or to make a phonecall...It's actually going rather well! But I can't afford to leave- they're all Mud wrestlers.
Richie: All three?
Tico: Yeah...funny, that, ain't it amigo? Interesting hobby. But anyway- they'd jump me if I left, and not in the way I was intending, you know?
Richie: Ah, Ok. Well, I have to be getting back to Jon- He's in a funny mood
Tico: Hombre! You are not watching Titanic, are you?
Richie: No, but he wanted to.
Tico: We went to see it together 5 times- he cries like a girl every time!
Richie: I've been with him 6.
Tico: Holy mother of Cuba, he's addicted.
Richie: Tell me about it- anyway-
Tico: Hombre, there is only one film you'd be worse off with! The S...
Richie: SHHHHH! It's showing on the Classics screen, as far as he knows, there's nothing but Westerns and To Kill a Mockingbird.
Tico: Santa Maria, Richie! Whatever you do, don't let him see that film!
Richie: Don't worry, I won't! See you later! And good luck with the... mud wrestling.

*Tico waves, then sneaks off behind the confectionary stands. Richie makes his way back to Jon, and sits down, completely forgetting the Popcorn. The film is about five minutes in*

Jon: *whisper* Buttered or Salted?
Richie: Buggered, actually, it's odds on Alison will pick a film he's watching with one of the Mudwrestlers, but hey! He's got out of worse scrapes than this.
Jon: *looks at Richie quizzically* The popcorn is buggered?
Richie: No! Ti...(^%$^&! Popcorn!
*About half the cinema turn around and glare at Richie*
Half the cinema: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Richie:*whispers* Sorry!
Jon: Ah hell, come on. This film sucks- lets go see the Terminator.

*They get up and leave, and buy tickets for the Terminator. They have a few minutes to spare, so they join the queue for popcorn. Richie gets a packet of Footos and Jon gets a big Bucket of Tofee popcorn. They make their way into the cinema, just as the trailers for other films are starting.*

Jon: Please say those aren't our seats! *he points to the only 2 vacant seats, behind a guy with giant afro*
Richie: *looks at the tickets* erm...
Jon: Oh for the love of god.

* They go and sit down behind the guy with the giant afro, and attempt to watch the film, but it soon becomes apparent that they will not be able to see anything south of Arnold Schwartzanegger's forehead. Despite his original reluctance to watch the film, Jon gets really annoyed by this, and Richie can see it building up in him. After about quarter of an hour, the guy leaves, telling whoever he was with that he was going to get popcorn, and when he comes back, says something to his companion that they cannot hear, and they both leave. Jon and Richie calm down, watching the whole of the screen while they can, when there's a loud bang from the back of the cinema, followed by a scream and a shower of popcorn, covering the whole cinema. Everyone looks around to see about 10 girls, aged between 10 and 14, running down the steps and out of the cinema, and two boys at the back of the cinema, wearing camouflage gear and paint, laughing their heads off, holding an empty megasize bucket of popcorn with a hole blown through the side of it. Everyone turns back around when the commotion seems to have cooled down.
However, five minutes later, a similar bang and scream follow, only this time followed by a shower of sticky fruit chews. The audience grumble far more openly this time.*

Jon: Jesus Christ! Kids today! You'd think they'd be brought up properly, I mean...
Richie: Er, do those kids look familiar to you?
Jon *not paying any attention at all to Richie* I blame the parents, I really do. What Kind of halfwitted, dumbass mother and father bring children up to bring a cap gun to the cinema?
Richie: Jon, I think...
Jon: Well, I ask you! Actually, I don't really blame the mother so much, boys should be reigned in by their father! And theirs is obviously a complete cretin. That or they haven't got one; which actually might be better for them than a father who allows them to run riot. And they're too young to see this film anyway! Why, if that was Jesse and Jake I'd...
Richie: *sigh* You'd what?
Jon: Well, I'd....I'd...I don't know, actually, but then I suppose...
Richie: Well you'd better think of what you'd do about it quickly, because those kids ARE Jesse and Jake.

*Jon spins around so fast that his neck clicks. Sure enough, despite the darkness, when he payed attention to their faces, they were unmistakeably his sons, sat near the back of the cinema, with a cap gun and a look of mischeivious pride hidden in warpaint he knew so well on their faces. His own face went bright red*

Jon: Richie?
Richie: Yes?
Jon: You take the gun and the bucket out of their hands, then I'll deal with them. Alright?
Richie: Ok Boss.
Jon: We'll have to be quick. So on my count, we'll use the old Advance and ambush technique *Richie Nods* Three...two...one...GO RICHIE GO!

*The whole cinema turns to look at the two men scrambling up to the back of the cinema, hopping over the heads of the other members of the audience. Jesse and Jake realise, in horror, just what is happening, but too late to make any escape. Richie Jumps on them, throws the popcorn bucket away, grabs the gun and aims it at them. Jon Jumps behind them, picks them both up by their collars, and drags them out of the cinema backwards, to a resounding round of applause from the audience. When they make it out ot the harsh light of the foyer, Jon drops the boys and takes the gun of Richie*

Jon: What the HELL do you two think you're playing at! That film is HIGHLY unsuitable for you! And you told me and your mother you were going to a friend's house!

*Jesse and Jake look embarrassed*

Jon: WELL? What have you got to say for yourselves?
Jesse: If you hadn't confiscated our stuff, then we wouldn't have felt the need to run off to see a film we're not allowed to.
Jake: Yeah. You drove us to it.
Jon: I confiscated your stuff because you were trying to kill the dog with it! And speaking of that stuff, hey...I CONFISCATED THIS CAP GUN!
Jesse: You really should change the places where you hide our stuff dad. You've been confiscating it for years, and can you even once remember giving any of it back?
Jon: Well yes, of course!...actually...YOU THEIVING LITTLE SCUMBAGS! HOW DARE YOU STEAL FROM YOUR OWN FATHER! AND HOW DARE YOU RUN OFF WHEN I HAVE TOLD YOU YOU ARE NOT TO LEAVE YOUR FRIENDS HOUSE UNTIL I COME AND GET YOU! AND HOW DARE YOU LIE TO ME, AND THEN GO OFF AND SEE A FILM WHICH YOU KNOW I HAVE FORBIDDEN YOU TO SEE! YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTE DISGRACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Jon Finished his angry tirade, waving the capgun all the while to illustrate his point, and looks up from his two sons, who both look shellshocked. Everyone in the foyer is looking at him, with disapproving looks. Jesse and Jake look up and around them, to see sympathetic eyes smiling down at them all around. Then, they realise that they have the upper hand, and can use the ultimate weapon against their father.

They Begin to Cry.*

Jon: DON'T TURN THE WATERWORKS ON! YOU KNOW YOU were in...the...oh, come on now boys, cheer up! You were extremely badly behaved, and you really should be taking your punishment like the young men you are...

*the boys continue to sob hysterically. Mutters from the crowd can be heard of "Bad father", "Child abuse" et cetera. Jon kneels down and speaks calmly and serenely to the boys, in an almost whisper, while he gets his wallet out of his pocket*

Jon: *smiling fixedly* Now listen here, you evil little brats. I am going to give you ten bucks each if you shut up and get the hell out of here
Jesse: *still snivelling* But where do...
Jon: *Still being calm and serene* I don't give a damn! Just go, but I want you home by ten, and if you aren't, so help me GOD I'll give these people a reason to call me a bad father! Kapeesh?
Jake: *sniff* Fifteen
Jon: What?
Jake: Fifteen bucks.
Jon: No, Ten.

*Jake starts to howl even louder than before. Richie kneels down beside him, and has to shout to be heard*

Richie: Kid, I'll give you both $20 to shut up!
Jake: *Stops immediately* Deal.

*Richie hands over the Forty bucks, and the pair Run off. The crowd, though still occasionally shooting acid glares at Jon, disperse, and the pair ponder what to do next. Jon doesn't want to go back in and see the rest of Terminator three, so finally, after about a quarter of an hour, Richie relents, and they go and see titanic. They arrive having missed the boring bit with the old woman at the beginning, and sit down, with a fresh bucket of Popcorn and packet of footos. As most people on the planet have already been to see it, the cinema is mostly empty, except for one other pair of people . The lights go down, and Jon's eyes go wide like a kid at Christmas. Richie buries his head in his hands and sinks down into his seat.*

Richie: *muffled voice from behind his hands* How long is this film?
Jon: Almost three hours! Isn't that GREAT?
Richie: *sob* Yes, it's wonderful...
Jon: Are you watching? You're going to miss the bit where Jack and Fabrizio win their tickets! Awh, isn't it just so sad! They were so glad to be going, and they both die! *he wipes a tear from his eye*
Richie: *looks up at Jon in exhasperation* You will never know how hard I find it to believe the same man who just shouted blue murder at Jesse and Jake is sat in here CRYING over something that hasn't even HAPPENED ina film he has seen A MILLION TIMES! my GOD! There's only one film you're worse with!

Coming soon, Skullmonkey, Mrs B and Jon's favourite film!

Part 2

There has been some confusion, I hear!
I would just like to point out that Jon's favourite film in the Real world is NOT the same as his favourite film in my own little twisted version of the real world!
Or maybe it is, I don't know...
Anyway! Read on to find out what it is...or what it isn't...no, wait...ah hell, just read on!

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*Richie and Jon are still watching Titanic. Jon has been crying quitely throughout, stopping only once to laugh at Molly Brown, but then began sobbing hysterically when it gets to the "I'm the King of the world" bit. Richie himself is close to tears of boredom, but he just tries not to pay any attention to the screen, and eats his way through the entire pack of footos. When they finally run out, he has nothing to concentrate on, so his mind starts to wander. He looks around the cinema, the projector behind him, the fire exits, the other couple in the cinema, the floor, the projector again, the couple again. They were having a hell of a lot more fun than him, though they were most definately not watching the film. He smiled and turned back around, glad that the tradition of messing around at the back of the cinema was still alive...

Suddenly, a look of horror parallel to the look of horror on the face of the girl in the shower scene in "Psycho" crosses his face. Titanic is up to the bit where Jack and Rose are in the car, and momentarily Jon had stopped crying.*

Jon: *whispering* Isn't this beautiful? I'm so glad people can watch this now and realise it's pure art!
Richie:*desperately trying to think of a way to get out of there* um...Yeah...bu
Jon: Are you ok, you've been looking around the cinema for the past ten minutes! Have you lost the plot of the film?
Richie: No, no...Yes! I have completely lost the story! Can you tell me it, in great detail...twice.
Jon: *even in his Titanic-induced delusional state realises that this is not the Richie he knows* What's up?
Richie: Nothing! I just want to hear all about how Titanic is a quintruplet of posted modal ironing, like you told me earlier
Jon: Quintessential Post-modern irony...What's up with you? It's like you're trying to keep something away from me
Richie: Jon, I would never do that! I swear on your mother's life that I wouldn't!
Jon: On my mother's life?!
Richie: *pause*
Jon: What are you hiding?!?! Richie, Tell me!
Richie: I...I feel sick, and I want to go home...can we go home?
Jon: No! The Iceberg hasn't even hit yet! And you damn well deserve to feel sick, you ate all those Footos in about 5 minutes! Deal with it!

*Jon turns back to the screen, crossing his arms in a huff, knocking his popcorn flying as he does so. He curses under his breath, and kneels down to pick up the bucket, which was so damn big it remained half full anyway. As he stands up, he brushes the popcorn off his clothes, and then turns to brush it off his seat. Just before he sits down, he looks up for only a nanosecond at the rest of the cinema, but a nanosecond was enough. The Iceberg towered onto the screen behind him, in all it's icy white glory, illuminating the cinema and the faces of the couple cavorting in the back row*

Richie: Jon! Jon! It's your favourite bit where...something happens! Sit down! Watch the film!
Jon: *breathing heavily, drops his bucket of popcorn, and clenches his fists at his sides* You should have TOLD me
Richie: Jon! I don't want you doing...let's just leave, we can...
Jon: *shouting as loud as he can at the couple in the back* YOU SATANIC LITTLE B@ST@RD GET YOUR GRUBBY, TATTOOED, EVIL HANDS OF MY ONLY DAUGHTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stephanie: *a look of horror on her face* DAD!
Skullmonkey: *Puts his hands in the air* I didn't do anything!
Jon: I think you did, sunshine, and I am going to make sure it is a physical imposibility for you to do anything to my daughter again!
Skullmonkey: Eep!
Stephanie: DAD! It's not what you think! Charle and I were just watching the film!
Jon: Really? What has happened up to this point?
Stephanie: Um...Arnold Schwartzanegger fell but naked out of the sky and killed some people?
Jon: *smiling sadistically* Wrong answer, sweetie! NOW COME HERE YOU DAUGHTER-DEFILING GIT!
Richie: *buries his head in his hands again* Holy mother of God...

*Understandably, Skullmonkey looks a little worried. Jon starts to run up the stairs to where they are sitting, and as anyone with half a brain would, Skullmonkey makes a run for it across the seats. Richie decides that he should intervene; Bon Jovi would be at a bit of a loss if their frontman ended up going down for 20 years. He makes a dash up the cinema, intercepting Jon just before he gets to within arms reach of Skullmonkey. He holds Jon back, but Jon struggles to free himself, flailing his arms and shouting obscenities at a terrified young man, who stops well out of reach, but remains ready to run should Richie lose the struggle*

Jon: YOU "£)(*^&*&"%!!!!!!!! WHAT PART OF DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?!?! I'LL *("^&£$%*"$*ing KILL YOU!!!!
Richie: Jesus Jon! Calm down! They're just acting like teenagers! It's all innocent!
Jon: WERE YOU EVER A TEENAGER?!?!?! DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT WE DID?
Richie: Yes! We did the same! So you understand what's going on!
Jon: You're damn right I do, and I'll KILL THE B@STARD FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Skullmonkey: Mr Bongiovi, Sir! We were just watching the film! I swear I would never touch your daughter!
Stephanie; STAND UP TO HIM, CHARLES!
Skullmonkey: Stand up to him? He's a bloody maniac, babe! He'll kill me!
Stephanie: He only said he would! He didn't mean it!
Richie, Jon and Skullmonkey: Yes he did!
Stephanie: Well if you're all gonna be such typical men! *sits down in a huff*
Skullmonkey: Come on! Help me, Babe!
Jon: WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT CALLING HER BABE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!GRARRARRRRRRRRARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!
Skullmonkey: NOOOOOOOOooooooOOOOoooOOOOOOOOOooOoooOoOoOoOoooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!

*Jon bursts forward, trampling over Richie, and runs like a maddened mountain goat at Skullmonkey, who manages to run just a little bit faster, but unfortunately, stopping to open the door of the cinema slows him down, and Jon is able to rugby-tackle him to the floor in the foyer. Skullmonkey desperately claws at the carpet trying to get away, but to no avail. Jon turns him over to face him, and pins him down by his arms. Richie and Stephanie burst out of the cinema, but because of the crowd forming around them, they cannot attempt to break the fight up. Jon, unlike with Jesse and Jake, couldn't care less about the gathering of onlookers*

Jon: Now you listen to me, punk. I have had ENOUGH of you going ANYWHERE NEAR MY DAUGHTER. I have tried to be reasonable; I have tried to warn you off her god knows how many times, But I have had it with being NICE TO YOU!
Richie: *to Stephanie* Oh my god, he's actually going to kill him
Stephanie: *sounding just a tad worried* I know my dad, he wouldn't do that...
Richie: Steph, I have known your dad over 20 years, and I agree. He wouldn't do that. In his opinion, that would be the easy way out for any boy who so much as looks at you twice.
Stephanie: So what is he going to do?
Richie: I think we should just pray that Charlie gets knocked out quickly, so he doesn't feel the pain...

*Suddenly, from out of the crowd, Tico comes running, out of breath over to Stephanie and Richie*

Tico: Senõr Sambora! Senõra Stephanie! I came to warn you!
Richie: Er, Teek, we already know what's going on
Tico: *looks shocked* Then why are you still here?!?
Richie: We're here to scrape up the remains of Charlie boy off the carpet when Jon's done with him
Tico: Charlie Boy? Is that that kid about to get pummelled by some insane hombre over there?
Richie: Yup. Stephanie's boyfriend. Or at least he was
Stephanie: Will you SHUT UP! Dad won't hurt him!
Tico: THAT'S JON!?!????
Richie: Yeah...why?
Tico: Hombre, I have left behind all three dates and I have been seen by ex-wife number seven to come over here!
Richie: Why the HELL did you do that?! You're be up sh!t creek without a paddle! RUN FOR IT!
Tico: Amigo, I intend to! But Jon's life is in danger!
Richie: What the hell are You on about you Stupid Spanish sod?! Talk sense!
Tico: SHE'S HERE! WIth the little boys! Shouting for blood!
Richie: Not Diane?!?!?!
Tico: No you guitar-murdering git! HIS MOTHER!
Stephanie: *smiling* Grandma?!
Richie: Mrs B is here?!
Tico: YES! The boys went and told her that Jon was mean to them, and she's here!
Richie: We have to get him out of here!
Stephanie: OH NO YOU DON'T! *she strikes a karate pose* He's not getting away with hurting my Charles! I am not letting you pair of out-of-date, talentless excuses for Rockstars save him this time!

*Richie and Tico look nonplussed at Stephanie's rant, unimpressed at a young teenager threatening two grown men. They obviously forget that Stephanie is very much her mother's daughter*

Richie: Stephanie! Get out of the way, for crying out loud!
Stephanie: Make me!

*Richie goes to push her aside, but she grabs his arm, twists it around, and throws him backwards over her head into a heap on the floor. Then, before he can compose himself, she jumps into the air screaming, and lands a sharp kick right between his legs*

Richie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! YOU COW!! OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!

*Tears well in his eyes as he rolls around on the floor in a ball, holding his extremely painful you know what. Stephanie then turns to Tico, again striking a karate pose*

Stephanie: You want a piece of me, Castro-Boy?
Tico: Senõra Stephanie, as far as I am concerned, your father is a dead man, and there is nothing I can do to save him. Therefor, there is no need to...er...well, do what you just did to Richie to me. I do not need to sing the high harmonies!

*With that, Tico runs off into the crowd, and Stephanie follows. But she is looking for her grandmother. They finally find eachother, and Stephanie directs Mrs B in the direction of the fight. Mrs B smashes her way through the crowd like a bull in a chinashop, until she is standing right over jon, who is about to throw his first punch at a coweing skullmonkey*

Jon: *with one fist raised in the air* ...and that is why I am going to teach you the lesson of your )&^%£^"$£ life, you arrogant, perverted, disgusting little...MOM?!?
Mrs B: That's Right!

*She swings her handbag at him with all her strength, knocking him flying off Skullmonkey and onto his back. She then helps Skullmonkey up, and starts brushing him off in a very motherly fashion*

Mrs B: Hello again Charles, dear. I'm ever so sorry about my son, but he's always had such a volatile temper. He must get it from his father, because lord knows I'm the most docile...*she sees out of the corner of her eye Jon trying to get up, and takes another powerful swing at him with her Handbag* YOU STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE BRAT!!!!!!!
Skullmonkey: Wow...thankyou very much, Mrs Bongiovi!
Mrs B: Call me Grandma, sweetie! Now then...OI! REUBIN! PUT HIM DOWN! RONALD! RICARDO! WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS!
Stephanie: Richie...
Mrs B: Thankyou dear, RICHIE!

*Richie has managed to pull Jon out of the fracar, and the pair of them manage to run off into the crowd. Richie is limping somewhat, and his bloodshot eyes are still watering*

JOn: Dude, why are you holding your crotch?
Richie: *in an extremely high pitched voice* Your daughter, that's why! Now come on!

*They make a run into the nearest screen, where they crash into someone who also appears to be running away*

Jon: TEEK!
Tico: Amigos, we are DEAD MEN!
Richie: *still sounding like a smurf on helium* No! No we're not! Quick! Follow me!

*Richie runs to the back of the cinema, and jumps onto the seats in the back row, and then he jumps up into the hole in the wall through which the projector is screening "Terminator 3". Jon and Tico follow his lead, Tico needing to be pulled up as he is too short to reach the hole, but they all get in there*

Richie: We're not safe yet!
Jon: *Clutching his eye, which has started to swell and go black* Ok, are you sure you're not doing that voice on purpose?
Richie: *even higher than before* YES!
Jon: Oh well. Good for the harmonies...
Tico: That's what I thought!
Richie: Will you two SHUT UP and follow me! *he starts snaking his way through all the various projection rooms, talking as he goes* They'd find us eventually if we don't find a place in the whole of the cinema where no human dares to venture.
Jon: Why don't we just leave?
Richie: Are you NUTS?
Tico: Hombre, if we know your mother, she has got all exits to the building covered! We're in here for the whole night!
Richie: Thanks. Now, I just need to find the list of films showing...Jon! Keep a lookout at the door! *Jon goes to the door a few feet away. Richie rifles through some papers* Got it! Right, we need one that repulses humans so much that they won't go near it!
Tico: *reading the list* Titanic?
Richie: Nope, far too obvious, and Stephanie and Charlie boy risked it, so it's not good enough.
Tico: You know, you really do sound stupid. Can't you just try and lower your voice?
Richie; DAMN IT TICO! I AM NOT SPEAKING LIKE A 3 YEAR OLD FOR NO REASON!

*in the distance, JEsse's voice can be heard* I think I hear something in the projector rooms!

Jon: Oh God! RICHIE! QUICK!
Richie: Terminator, no, Charlies angels, no, Bruce almighty, No, The Matrix, No, To Kill a Mockingbird...no, not quite...
Tico: Hombre *in a hushed voice* We have to...
Richie: No! There must be another way!
Tico: We HAVE to! They're gonna be here any minute!
Richie: Oh God...JON! COME ON!

*They continue running along the corridors of projector rooms, until they come to the very end of the corridor, and the very end projector. Richie stops at the window*

Richie: Christ, I can't do it! Tico, don't make me go in there!
Jon: Sh!t, how bad is this film?
Tico: Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad! But we have to! Come on!

*Tico pushes Richie through the Projector hole, and Jon jumps after him. Tico also jumps through, just before Mrs B and her angry mob (which) has gained 3 mudwrestlers and an angry ex wife somewhere along the way) burst in at the other end of the corridor. They rush down to some front seats, just as the film starts.*

Jon: So guys, what the hell is this film?
*Tico Looks like a man who knows he is about to be hung, drawn and quartered. Richie buries his face in his hands and sobs*
Tico: Just watch the damn thing Jon, and try not to cry too much, will you? Jesus, this is going to be hard...
Jon: Why would I cry! I know we're not in the Titanic screen, and there's only one ther film I'd ever dream of crying at! And it's not showing! Unless...*his eyes go wide with joy again* Richie, you lied!!!!! They ARE showing it, aren't they!

*Richie just continues to sob into his hands. The lights go down; the movies starts up. As Julie Andrews comes running over the Austrian alps with her guitar in hand, Richie and Tico balk, decide they and run screaming from the cinema, just as Jon bursts into tears of Joy, stands up, and starts to sing along*

Jon: *between hysterical sobs* THE HILLS ARE ALIVE, WITH THE SOUND OF MUSIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please let me know what you think!

Love
Laura