The Darwin Awards
 

In case you don't know it's an annual honour given to the person who did
the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most
extraordinarily stupid way.

Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which
toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out
of it. And the nominees this year, in reverse order, are

7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited
in to the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire
burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died
of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2"
tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra,
black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was
trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a
military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose
attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one
end of a hollow tube approx. 30" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's
other end was, for reasons unknown, inserted into his rectum and was
the cause of his suffocation.Police found the task of explaining the
circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.

5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants
around their ankles.

4. A 22-year-old, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus
straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. FairfaxCounty
police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these
straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other
end to the trestle at LakeAccotinkPark, jumped and hit the pavement.
Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia
was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord
that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and
the ground" Carmichaelsaid. Police say the apparent cause of death was
"Major trauma."

3. A man in Alabamadied from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball.
The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.

2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texasnoticed the smell
of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building,
extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas
company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they
had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of
the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the
technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that
resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like
object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to
three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter
was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of
causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright'
by his peers.

AND THE WINNER.....(ouch....)

1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez
tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf
course.Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix,
Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his balls in the
machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by
spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's balls in place, thus
wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed
his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch.
Unfortunately for him, the height of the ballwasher was more than a foot
higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and his
balls were the weakest link. Sanchez's balls ripped open during the
fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the
ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as
it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating
machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00
driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to
balance imself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the
remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.

Note: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't
die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act
of stupidity, we have allowed it.

Oh-my-god that is the funniest thing I've ever read, which is so bad considering all those people died, well except for the winner which is the most horrifying thing I've ever read. Reading about it just about made me vomit.

hmmm dnt know about the winner, i think the gas guy should have won it, but OMG, how can anyone be so stupid, and what ever the guy with the gas mask was trying to do is beyound me!

I'm not sure these are real but I have been reading the Darwin Awards since as long as I've been online - about 10 years. I think they have been assembled into a book if I recall.

They always make me laugh - and I always wonder about the stupidity of some people.

Kathleen

The book randomly appeared in the living room of my student house one night, and no one knew whose it was ... I got home somewhat intoxicated from a night out one night and decided I'd read a couple ... had to get up early the next day, ended up staying up til gone 3am reading the whole damn thing!

There's an insanely nasty one in there ... Hang on, let's see if I can find it ...

Ah, here we go:

(1998) A pre-med student from the University of Arizona was hoping to score with his date on a Friday night. To put the woman in the mood, he drove her to a lonesome spot on Mount Lemmon, which overlooks the city of Tucson, Arizona. They walked to an open knoll and admired the city lights.

Overcome by the romantic locale, the lissome lass succumbed to his pleas. Soon they tossed their clothes off, made a bed of their garments, and began to make love. The heavy storm clouds rolling overhead mingled with the low rumble of thunder inside them. The excited lovers never looked up to see the charred remains of trees on the knoll.

Their idyllic clearing was a hotbed of electrical activity that night. With a blinding light, a bolt of lightning struck the high point on the knoll, which happened to be the pre-med student's ass, and sought the path of least resistance straight down. Incredibly, he survived, albeit in excruciating pain.

The heat of the bolt had fused together flesh and latex so that the two lovers were now stuck together. The woman unfortunately did not survive the lightning strike. When the student looked down into the vacant eyes of his girlfriend and realized she was dead, his immediate repulsion caused him to jerk away from her. When he found that he couldn't, a wave of pain and nausea made him vomit into the girl's face and open mouth.

Heaving only caused more pain and illness. Finally he passed out. Attracted by the smell, a bear found its way to the lovers and began to lick semi-digested pizza and buffalo wings from the dead girl's face. The student roused from his exhaustion. When he saw the bear, he realized that there was nothing he could do but lay silently in fear.

To his horror, the bear became dissatisfied with just a lick and started to eat the girl; loudly crunching her facial bones inches from his ear. The bear also sampled the student, scraping the back of his skull with its teeth, before moving on.

At 11:35AM, a group of camping girl scouts arrived at the lover's tryst, where the pre-med student's car was parked. Minutes later, three screaming girls discovered the student, who had regained consciousness several times in the night and had managed to drag himself and the partially-eaten girl several meters towards the road.

Doctors managed to separate the student from the corpse.

According to a hospital source, his penis resembled "a small piece of cauliflower" in its flaccid state. The first hint of arousal resulted in so much pain that the student was unable and unwilling to achieve an erection. It is doubtful that it will ever again function in a procreatory sense.




How awful is that?!

Ah, apparently it's just an urban legend

Still pretty grim though

Holy shit - I guess I never read that one. And I'm not surprised about it being an urban legend - some of the Darwin's stretch the imagination a little too much.

I grew up here in New Jersey on all sorts of local strange tales. As kids we would scare the crap out of each other telling the stories in the dark.

Well about 10 years ago Barnes and Noble (big bookstore) printed a book called Weird New Jersey. Son of a bitch - all those stories out of my childhood were printed along with some of the history behind them. It was doubly scary to realize that some of the stories were based in fact.

Kathleen