I get it, you mean ideally, I think.

I'll remind you, Maria was referring to no longer being attracted to them, not no longer loving them. That's the cluster fukc millions of married couples experience.

Perhaps I am misreading you, but you seem to be dismissive towards our efforts in our individual relationships.

Finally, simply because you love someone with every bit of yourself does not mean that person is good or right for you. You could very well be pouring yourself into a bottomless pit that leaves you a drained shell. That isn't how a love story goes, it's a horror story.

So when you love someone with every ounce of your being as you describe. Exactly how do you deal with it when they tell you you're a worthless loser that no one else will ever love? Your credit is ruined because they lied about their own finances and stuck you with their crippling debt that you had no clue of prior to marriage? When you lose your job because they kept calling to check up on you and harass you at work? How do you handle it when they rip up and burn the precious few photos you have left of your deceased beloved mother? What's next after they begin leaving bruises on your body? Time to work up that courage to discuss those relationship issues? "You're the problem. You make me do it. End of discussion" goes the response when you calmly sit them down to work it out. What do you do when you turn up HIV + because they kept cheating on your whenver they pleased? Any problems with the aforementioned, it's all because you don't love them enough to accept them completely, of course. A little more love will fix all that.

I didn’t mean to criticise anyone’s behaviour. Sincere apologies for any offence. But it felt somehow, that you have been missing a truly deep personal connection.

You have talked about wanting love to be like a drug, and it seems you want that initial attraction to be what sustains a relationship. The expectation that finding someone irresistible in a passionate sense seems unrealistic to me and not something that that much weight should be put on.

I had at all times been referring to "love" as something that exists between two people, yet somehow almost independently of them - a force that guides them.

I was realising earlier today I may have to justify/better-explain myself.

You describe an absolutely horrific experience that anyone would do well to survive.

I don't want to get into trading horror stories so publicly, but I think to the abusive behaviour traded between my parents for example, and there's just no way at all that is the product of "love" as I understand it.

"Love" pretty much by definition does not lead to that kind of behaviour.

I would question whether she ever truly loved you.

But I could also imagine, that if we have experienced love in a similar fashion, that for all that woman put you through, that you could from your heart still want things to turn out well for her. As much as you would obviously want her no where near!

On this we agree 1000%

Hence my being proud at feeling confident and having a life again.


Here's where we differ. I broke up with C (admittedly not after trauma on THAT scale), I didn't stop loving her, I haven't cut her out of my life, if anything we can offer each other more from a distance. We are now far more free to be honest with each other, we know each other inside out and will always support each other when we need it. I've no doubt at all that will be there for the rest of my life.


Why did you take so much? (An honest answer to this may tell you how you end up codependent).

Unconditional Love is the most important emotion in the world... but it is also requires the person to not be selfish .. sometimes you have to love enough to walk away.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. . .And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. - excerpts from 1 Corinthians 13:4-13

Dawn

I should clarify I didn't reveal my life story details before anyone here takes it that way. However I did cite the details of relationships of people that I know. My experiences mostly stop at verbal abuse. I already know what my problem is so my questions were more rhetorical than actually looking for answers.

Why would anyone take anything? Because like you said, they loved them. Sometimes that love does wind up being rewarding by being persistent. Sometimes it leads to an unending downward spiral. Alcoholism/Drug Abuse is a common one that describes the latter that can leave you with a mess that you can destroy you despite your best efforts.

I was not describing the initial attraction as a drug. I was describing love as a drug, which is a cliche' dynamic you hear about anywhere. Love is rarely a managed emotion made by using rational decisions and calculation.

Absolutely.

I would add to that - sometimes you have to love yourself enough to walk away.

as a great man (my old philosophy teacher, not haddaway) once said: What is love?...

It's actually near on impossible to define imo.

But I digress.

kathleen I have yet to find an American female that doesn't go googly eyed at my "oooh there's an american girl I better turn the accent up to 11" dialect and I dare say your daughter wouldn't survive it either :p

Unless she has already been won over by my public school charm.

Lovely, lovely space this weekend. I'm footloose and it's the weekend after payday (hence Supertramp tickets), so I really don't know where the world will take me.

A little bit of work to do, a lot of time to indulge my youtube college acapella habit (These kids are amazing )

May go down to the Irish Centre and try and pick up a ticket for Ash tonight. May go to the Birmingham Bizarre Bazaar on Sunday. May catch a train and see friends in London. May end up having lengthy, drunken conversations with ex-girlfriends.

I had one of those via facebook a few weeks ago where I'm pretty sure I told her her new fiance was a dick.

In my defence, he is a dick and I'd be amazed if she wasn't aware of it herself. :D


Today I'm:

Finding numerous excuses (all piss poor) to avoid tidying my flat and lesson planning for starting back work tomorrow.

Getting pissed off at the lack of jobs.

Going to go for a swim in a bit.

After that I'll probably try out my latest fermented fruit creation by the pool whilst listening to the new james album by the poolside.


Right lesson plans: 3, 2, 1.......................