I was sexually harassed at work yesterday
 

I'll spare you the raunchy details, but someone kept asking me some personal, intrusive questions yesterday. I told the person, "I'm not going to answer that"; "You're making me uncomfortable"; "You're embarrassing me"; and I tried several times to change the subject. There was another person privy to the conversation and she also said, "You're making her face turn as red as her lipstick" to tell the person that I was embarrassed and uncomfortable with the conversation. I finally told them, "I haven't had lunch yet and I have a migraine. I have to go to the office and write reports." That's the short version.

I was so upset and flustered by the time I got to the office that I COULDN'T write reports. I couldn't even score tests correctly (which I can do in my sleep). But I felt like *I* had done something wrong! I wanted to talk to my supervisor about it, but she was gone for the day. I did talk to the school psychologist about it and she made me feel a little bit better, but I don't want to go back to that school because I'm afraid of seeing this person and what they will say to me or what they might have said about me since this conversation.

I don't want to file a formal complaint because I don't want to stir up trouble, especially with this person. Things between the SPED department and this school aren't great as it is. But I don't want to have to deal with this kind of intrusive, inappropriate, unprofessional, disgusting language either.

What would you do? Would you let it go for the sake of keeping the peace? Is it more important to look at the bigger picture?

File a formal complaint. This kind of behaviour cannot be tolerated and to stamp it out it relies on people reporting it when it occurs. By ignoring it it lets the perpetrator get away with it and the whole cycle continues.

A bigger picture -- like this one?

http://rocktivity.com/Graphics/cosbyWomen.jpg
File the complaint, especially since you've got a witness. I doubt you're alone, especially since it sounds like this person is in a powerful position.

Everywhere I've gone for the last month, people keep telling me, "You look great!" I don't know what the difference is, but this person picked up on it too and decided to turn it into something sexual and disgusting.

One piece of advice someone gave me is that I shouldn't start dressing down just because of how this person made me feel. I should keep doing my hair and makeup and wearing my jewelry (I sell Tocara jewelry so I deck out every day) and nice clothes. I should NOT wilt which IS my impulse... to not dress up or make myself look nice. I still feel like I did something wrong just because I dared to "pretty up."

If you don't want to cause trouble, you could try telling them that if they ever speak to you like that again you'll be filing an official complaint faster than Richie can snort coke. It'll either work or they'll ignore you, in which case you report them. It's possible this idiot isn't aware how they make people feel with stuff like this

Goose has a point - you could try to give a single - very strong - warning. And if that doesn't work - file the damn complaint. YOU have done nothing wrong. Surely you are aware that any woman who looks good can be made to feel guilty about that - and if rape or sexual harassment is involved they are made to feel guilty for looking good and "asking for it." I say bullshit and you shouldn't perpetrate that system. Stand up for yourself and show that you will NOT be treated that way.

I'm sorry Becky that you had to be subjected to such behavior. Unfortunately, over my career I've been subject to it a few times and I did just what Goose suggested and it worked meaning I never had to escalate the complaint after I talked with the individual. Good luck!!

I reported it in writing to my supervisor which is what I'm supposed to do. I'm not breaking the chain of command that way. I spent all day yesterday waiting for the shoe to drop, wondering if the superintendent or someone from human resources was going to want to talk to me. I had indigestion all day long and couldn't sleep Sunday night or last night.

Through all the years where they have held training for Sexual Harassment at work, they have always encouraged letting the offender know in no uncertain terms that the comments are not welcome, then moving forward with filing an official complaint if they persist. This helps determine the intent. If the offender ignores your warning, then the intent to harm is plain. You don't really have that right now.

Everyone is different and while your reaction is valid, the next person targeted (and that may be too strong of a word) may simply laugh or feel attractive. That may have been the intent behind the offender in your case. In my work, such joking around goes on all day long and no harm is meant.

I think you would have found more immediate peace of mind and resolution had you given this person clear warning and an opportunity to apologize.

David, what part of "I'm not answering that;" "You're making me feel uncomfortable;" and "You're embarrassing me" was not clear enough? ANY ONE of those statements should have shut down the conversation, especially since there was a 3rd person in the room also telling the person "You're embarrassing her. Her face is turning as red as her lipstick."

We KEPT trying to change the subject. Other than saying "Shut the **** up" which I can't say because I was in a professional setting, I think I was VERY clear that I was uncomfortable and embarrassed and wanted the person to stop their side of the conversation.

You did what you had to do. Don't get me wrong, I'm not defending them. They were obviously being dense. If something like that happens again with someone else, I'd say "Hey! Knock it off or I'll have to take this to HR." That will put a stop to it.

Are we talking about a co-worker?

I am a man, probably 15 years younger than you, and not American. No idea how informal office rules are, but just explicitly spelling out that he's crossed the line where it's flattering and just comes off as a desperate creep reciting pick-up lines should probably work? Stay distanced (!), i.e. don't come across as overtly invested, but maintain the impression that you are in control of the situation, and bluntly (but not overtly emotionally so) tell him that he's out of line and acting in a manner that paints him in a really pitiful light. Don't go to great length to explain yourself, either. "Now excuse me, please, I have to go back to my work. I'm sure you'll respect that and don't want me to file a formal complaint", or something along those lines. You don't need to give a reason to NOT want to talk to him!

I mean, from MY EXPERIENCE, nothing crushes guys like telling them that their actions make them look WEAK. If you tell a guy that he makes you uncomfortable, well, that's confirmation that he intimidates you - he comes across as an intimidating guy! For somebody who's desperate enough to go for harassment, that is a form of validation. Tell him that he comes off as a douche and as a loser, and keep it short. Don't give off the impression that you're investing more energy into this than them - give the impression that they are trying with all their might, and failing. Not that one off-the-mark comment from them will keep you busy all night. Even if that's the case, that implies that very form of power they crave. (If you're a guy and put down other guys like this, be ready for some mighty rage.)

ETA: Also, two things:
1. Sorry to hear that you had contact with such a sleazoid and got into such a shitty situation.
2. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF. Be your own ****ing advocate and ensure that you're not selling yourself and your rights short out of "courtesy" just so he can be an idiot without consequences.