My first writing
 

Hi, down here I'll post my first "poem" ever. I hope you like it. I'm having a very rough time right now, so I decided to start improving my writing. Every opinion is welcomed (positive and negatives). As you can see I'm very influenced by BJ songs, so I used some little parts of some.
Here it is:

Should I try a little more?
Should I suffer a bit more?
I have this anger inside
That I can’t get outside.
I hate this feeling
I don’t know if it is love for you
Or just that my envy is killing me once more.
She don’t know how I feel,
But I’m sure she will know
How he feels
I gotta make my move
Or it might be too late.

I can stop him from mailing her
But he’s my friend and I can’t
Be so mean to him
I’m alone in the darkness
But far away there’s a light
Burning from your eyes
Now it hurts me inside
I wanna get to the end of the tunnel
But there’s always something in between

You don’t know what would
Happen if I made my move
But I suppose that you never will
‘cause I’m too scared of a no.

I’m chained to my fears
These days I can’t escape
If I don’t do it quickly
It’ll be too late.
He will have you
And I’ll be crying again back there
But you won’t know it
‘cause I’ll make it feel like
nothing has happened.

Hard times come easy,
And I make their way even easier.
My shyness kills me
I don’t know who I am.

Today my hearts breaking even
‘cause it’s hard letting you go.
I wish I had never met you
Because I wouldn’t be feeling like this.
But you’re not alone
For everything you need
For anything you want
For anything
I will be there for you.
I swear that I will.

Every word that
I’ve ever written for you
Was a piece of my heart
And I hope that you
Will remember that.

I pray you give
Me just one chance
Not a second one
Just a first

You won’t be disappointed
I promise you
If I ever get that chance
It will be the best time
Of your entire life.

I’ll do whatever it takes
I know that for every problem
We’ll have
There’ll be an easy solution
And everything
Will be fine.

The hardest part is the night
‘cause I bleed every time
you sleep
Because I don’t know
Who is in your dreams

Is it me? Is it him?
I’ll only know it
If I could tell you how I feel.

Pretty good....although I'm not entirely sure about all the references to BJ songs in there. I'd try and just write something for you.....don't use other artists good lines, make your own! BTW, if you're the 'I' in the poem/ song thingy, then just go for it....don't be afraid of the 'no'

Keep On Rockin'

ps. Taking advice from a walrus....man, has your life got weird :D

Awww! That's makin' me sad! It's very good! You're a very talented writer, and with a bit more writing i'm sure you'd have me crying like a little baby :D
Very beautiful. Keep writing, definitly keep writing. I don't want to see those writing skills go to any waste, you hear?

Forever and a day,
Kathy

Thats so sad! Beautiful though! Lovely! Made me just a little teary eyed :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:

Yes, dont be afraid of the 'no'. Sometimes, its too late to do anything - and then you end up five, ten years down the road wondering what could have been. Plus, you never know until you try - and if there is a no, you have time to move on and not dwell over it.

I give you cake. Cake makes you feel better! :D
**gives large piece of cake to you** YAAAAAAY!!

Thanks for your opinions, and I felt wrong for using some of BJ lines so I changed most of them. Here is the "new" one.

Should I try a little more?
Should I suffer a bit more?
I have this anger inside
That I can’t get outside.
I hate this feeling
I don’t know if it is love for you
Or just that my envy is killing me once more.
She don’t know how I feel,
But I’m sure she will know
How he feels
I gotta make my move
Or it might be too late.

I can stop him from mailing her
But he’s my friend and I can’t
Be so mean to him
I’m alone in the darkness
But far away there’s a light
Burning from your eyes
Now it hurts me inside
I wanna get to the end of the tunnel
But there’s always something in between

You don’t know what would
Happen if I made my move
But I suppose that you never will
‘cause I’m too scared of a no.

I’m chained to my fears
These days I can’t escape them
If I don’t do it quickly
It’ll be too late.
He will have you
And I’ll be crying again back there
But you won’t know it
‘cause I’ll make it feel like
nothing happened.

Everything's really tough,
And I make it tougher.
My shyness kills me
I don’t know what should I do.

Today my heart's breaking
‘cause I can't let you go
I wish I'd never met you
Because I wouldn’t be feeling like this.
But you’re not alone
For everything you need
For anything you want
For anything
I will be there for you.
I swear that I will.

Every word that
I’ve ever written for you
Was a piece of my heart
And I hope that you
Will remember that.

I pray you give
Me just one chance girl,
Not a second one no,
Just a first

You won’t be disappointed
I promise you
If I ever get that chance
It will be so cool.

I’ll do whatever it takes
I know that for every problem
We’ll have
There’ll be an easy solution
And everything
Will be fine.

I can't get through the night
‘cause I bleed every time
you sleep
Because I don’t know
Who is in your dreams

Is it me? Is it him?
I’ll only know it
If I could tell you just how I feel.

sounds better

The beginning was really beautiful. Towards the end when you started quoting BJ, it got a little clicheed. I can understand that because when I write songs, the Bon Jovi influence shines through. In fact most songs I have written sound like Bon Jovi in one way or another. Keep up the good work! I'd like to read more!

Like you said Keba, the quoating I could not avoid it. It just came to my mind so that's why I posted the 2nd version.

Weirdo :D

Keep On Rockin'