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#1
07-01-2003, 09:13 PM
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"OFFICIAL" BONGIOVIS THREAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
__________________
The wanderer returns... 
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#2
07-01-2003, 09:21 PM
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PART 2
DESPITE my, er, Granddaughter's need to revise for her GCSEs, here is the promised episode, to fill the gap while we wait for The "I'm to busy wasting money on films I don't watch" Walrus to get his arse into his swivelchair and write an episode! There are MANY cameos by other celebrities in this one, a few by old flames of band members, so let me know if you particularly like any of them being in the Bongiovis, and I'll make a mental note to include them in the future. Check the list at the below to see who the celebrities mentioned are if you're unfamiliar with them- they'll be listed in alphabetical order according to their FIRST name) Anthony Keidis- Lead Singer of the Red Hot Chili Peppers Becks: David Beckham, footballer, husband of Victoria/Posh Cher: Plastic Singer, famous diva, Richie's ex Christina Aguilera: Young Pop sensation David Furnish: Boyfriend of Elton John, Fashion designer and journalist Diane Lane: Jon's Ex-girlfriend, Oscar nominated actress Elton John: Fairy King of Showbusiness, Godfather of Piano pop Liam Gallagher: Half of band Oasis, extremely agressive, brother of Noel Madonna: Cult Icon Entertainer Noel Gallagher: Half of band Oasis, extremely agressive, brother of Liam Posh: Victoria Beckham, ex-Spice girl, Wife of David Russell Crowe: Oscar Winning Actor, Bad ass Aussie/Kiwi -------------------------------------------- Dave, Hugh, Jon, Richie and Tico are all at a posh celebrity party, organised and hosted by Elton John and David furnish, in aid of nothing in particular, except Elton and David's complulsive party-hosting addiction. Unfortunately, their spouses/partners/children cannot join them, and you know what they say! While the cat's away... (To avoid any confusion, David Bryan is referred to as plain ol' Dave, David Beckham is referred to as Becks and David Furnish is referred to as David F. Also, I have no idea who Bon Jovi have/have not met in their time, so if any of the people here are their best friends/worst enemies/ex girlfriends etc, etc, or I have interpretted a relationship incorrectly, I apologise. But hey, THIS IS FICTION!) (Jon, Hugh, Dave, Tico and Richie all walk down the red carpet in customary shades and fixed smiles, waving politely at the assembled paparazzi. They move quickly into the grand foyer, decorated heavily with flowers, and greet Elton and David F.) Elton: Jon! Richie! Tico! Dave! Huey! How FABULOUS to see you all! It is soooooooooo wonderful to see you all! David F.: Yes, AbsoLOOTley! We MUST see eachother more often! (He winks at Richie, who takes an instinctive step forward to lamp David F, but Jon Grabs his arm just in time) Jon  Dragging Richie away while the others follow) Bar, just keep your eyes on the bar! Drinks on Elton and David F. all night! Calm down! (they all make their way over to the bar, and get the drinks in. The party starts to get going, and after a couple of hours there are people at the buffet table, on the dancefloor and milling around the bar, all having a seemingly good time. Hugh makes his way over to the buffet table, and helps himself to a plate, and being a red blooded east coast guy, the plate is predominantly full of red meat. He spots something he's not really sure about, and decides to ask someone what it is) Hugh: Er, Excuse me? Anthony Keidis: Yes, sweet human? May I help you on your quest for enlightenment? Hugh: Um, maybe... Anthony Keidis: Then what is it you wish me to tell you? The meaning of life? The secrets of youth? The eternal... Hugh: ACtually, I was just wondering what this mayo-looking stuff was... Anthony Keidis: Oh. Hugh: Do you know? Anthony Keidis: Not a bloody clue. Sorry mate. Hugh: Ok, thanks anyway (Hugh walks off with his plate, having decided not to take any of the mystery stuff. Jon is still at the bar, on his second Muff Dive of the evening, when someone sits down next to him, in Richie's seat, which he was instructed to keep while Richie went to the bathroom...) Jon: (without looking up, assuming it's Richie) That was quick! Diane Lane: That's what I used to say to you, isn't it? *glares playfully* Jon: (eyes wide) Oh my God! (he stares for a while, but finally gets a hold of himself) Er, Hi! How're you?! Diane Lane: I'm, fine, just fine! And by the way, I'll have a WKD, please. Yourself? Jon: I er, wel...I'm just fine too! (laughs nervously) Is it a good idea for me to be seen buying you a drink? Diane Lane: I can think of worse things you could be seen doing for me, Jonny boy! Now what about that drink, hmmm? (playfully twists his hair with her fingers) So how's everything? Jon: (passing her her WKD, and speaking in a rather uneasy voice) Good...er, I'm Married, and I have three kids...and I'm er, well, married, so that's, ummm, nice... Diane Lane: Never known you be lost for words, Jonnyboy! All bark and no...*bite*... as they say! And I know you're married! That's what makes it fun! JOn: Makes what fun? Diane Lane: Nothing! (sips her drink, looking amused. Jon looks confused and afraid. Hugh spots his boss in trouble, and makes a beeline for him, complete with plate piled high with food) Hugh: Boss! The Buffet is absolutely fab! You been over there yet? Diane Lane: Boss? I certainly remember NOTHING to warrant calling you boss! (she cackles) Hugh: Oh hello! You're that famous actress aren't you! Diane Lane: (Having her large ego inflated) Why yes, yes I am! Hugh MacDonald, isn't it? Hugh: That's the one! And you're...wait, I'll get it...Liz Hurley, Right?!? (Diane looks horrified, and Jon spits his mouthful of drink out laughing) Diane Lane: Er, no...no, that's not me... Hugh: Oh I'm sorry! I meant Catherine Denueve! That's you isn't it? Diane Lane: DO you think you're funny? Jon: Hugh... Hugh: No, no, I don't! *Sees the slightly maniacal look in her eyes* Diane Payne! Diane Lane: PARDON! (gets up and picks him up by the collar) Hugh: Eeek! Jane? Kane? Orane? Train? (Jon sees this as an opportunity to get away from her, and runs off, but bumps into someone on the way, spilling his drink all down them, as they spill a pint all down him) Jon: Oh My God, I am So sorry! Here, let me get that! (he grabs a napkin off a nearby table and starts mopping up a rather smart dinner suit) Russell Crowe: Jesus CHRIST! Will you WATCH where the F*&% you're GOING MATE! My God! You Bloody AMericans! All the same!!! Jon: I'm really sorry! I was getting away from an old flame who was causing trouble! And you weren't exactly watching where you were running! Russell Crowe: An old flame? No ****! That's exactly where I was going! Meg Ryan, making a scene! Jon: Ah! Bad luck. Russell Crowe: You're telling me! No offense about the Americans thing, it's not personal! Jon: No Problems! But, one thing, Man to man. Russell Crowe: Yeah, what mate? Jon: Shall we keep this quiet? I mean, neither of us need to be splashed in the papers in connection with either the wicked witches of the east or west, right? Russell Crowe: Oh absolutely mate, Mum's the word! (They smile and shake hands, and walk off. Jon runs off into the crowd, desperate to get out of Diane's range. He carries on walking, and finally spots Tico, surrounded by a crowd of young girls, who are all batting their eyelids like there's no tomorrow. He manages to battle his way out through the crowd, and finally gets to Tico) Tico: And after that, the senorita was so exhausted, she slept until 2pm the next day! (all the girls Laugh, Jon Rolls his eyes) Jon, Teek, we're gonna have to make a move, I think. Tico: How come, hombre? Jon: Ghost of girlfriend past haunting me- could make for seriously bad press Tico: No way! Who? Jon: Taking a trip down memory "Lane"... Tico: DIANE?!?! Woah! Couldn't have been worse! Jon: Tell me about it! We have to get out of here before she gets me into any trouble. I'm gonna go and round up the others, and then we'll go, ok? Tico: No problem, Amigo. Just say the word! ( Jon runs off into the crowd. By now Richie has come out of the loo, and seeing Diane sat in his place making a bit of a scene with Hugh, he decides best not to go and ask if he can have his seat back. He makes his way across to the buffet table, and starts piling his plate high. SOmeone taps him on the shoulder, making him choke slightly on a spare rib.) Cher: Long time no see Richie: NOOOOOOOoooooOOOOOOooOOOOOooOOOooOoOOOOOoooooooo!! !!!!!!! (He makes a dive over the buffet table, sending his plate flying all over the place. She calls after him, but he daren't look back. He meets Dave on the other side, who is chatting with Posh and Becks) Richie: Goldielocks! Thank God! Dave: Oh Hi Richie! Great timing! This is David and Victoria- they're so lovely! Posh: Thanks every so much Dave! You're a charmer yourself! (giggles childishly) Becks: (holds his hand out to shake Richie's, who just looks bewildered and scared) Hiya! Richie, is it? Pleased to meet you! Richie: Oh, yeah. Hi. Erm, I'm sorry but this is really bad timing for me! Becks: Ah, that's ok! thought there might be something wrong when you lunged out from behind the venitian lillies there Posh: DAVID! Don't be so stupid! Becks: Sorry. Posh: Those are INDIAN lillies! (she pouts) Dave: (to Richie) Aren't they GREAT! Richie: Goldielocks! You HAVE to help me out! Dave: (munching a cocktail sausage) How come? Richie: (Speaking in a desperate whisper) She's here! (looking around nervously, as if expecting the Gestapo to come take him away at any moment) She's here, man! Dave: Who?! Richie: SHHHH! Keep your voice down! Dave: Oh, Ok. (in a stupidly exaggerated whisper) WHO?!? Richie: Who?!?! WHO?!?! The scariest woman that every walked the earth, that's who!!! Dave: SHARON OSBOURNE?!?! Richie: (slaps Dave) CHER, YOU TWIT! Dave: oh, her! What's the problem, then?! She's lovely!! Richie: She's my ex, Dave! SHe'd kill me as soon as look at me! (at this point Tico walks past, chit-chatting with Christina Aguilera and Madonna, who are both hanging on his arms, batting eyelids and flirting like champions) MAdonna: So When was it you realised you had superpowers? Christina Aguilera: And how did you become the Richest man in the world? Tico: Well, it's all a matter of... Richie: Tico! HELP ME! SHE'S HERE! Tico: Amigo, can you not see I AM BUSY HERE (jerks head at the two lovelies on his arms) Jon is sorting it! Richie: what?!?! Tico: Jon knows Diane is here! Richie: NO! CHER! Tico: Cher?!? CHER?!?! HOLY MARY MOTHER OF CUBA! (To Madonna and Christina Aguilera) I am sorry ladies, i have to leave you now, but we will chat soon! (he kisses them both on the cheek, and they walk off looking disappointed.) Richie: We have to leave! Tico: Amigo, I know! You, lie low and keep quiet- Dave and I will fetch Hugh and Jon, you meet us at the door in ten minutes, Kapeesh? Richie: Kapeesh! (by this time, Diane has been makingmoves on Hugh all night, but he finally manages to get away, and gets to Tico and Dave) Hugh: Good GOD! The woman is determined! Tico: Amigo, we have to find Jon, before she does, and leave! And Richie is in Danger too! Hugh: How come? Dave: Plastic Fantastic is here as well! Hugh: Cher?! No Way! (they nod vigourously, and begin their search for Jon. They see him by the door, desperately fighting off Diane's advances) Jon: Diane, Please! I have to Go! Diane Lane: Nonsense! Come 'ere! (she lunges at him, and his watch gets caught on her dress strap, but he doesn't notice. While this happens, Richie gets to the door, having made his way to the door without seeing Cher again he bumps into someone he need not have) Liam Gallagher: Oi. Noel Gallagher: Mister ^&%(&*^$ bigshot. Richie: Oh...hey! I'm a big fan! Liam: &%&^ you are! Noel: You and your ()&£"*( guitar! Liam: You called us ^&$*ing spoilt, you little ^&%*&! Richie: (Looking annoyed, and only slightly nervous) Hey, guys! This is neither the time nor the place! And people have said far worse about you! Did you not read the rest of what I said?!? Liam: No. Like we'd read any (&%%$ that came from your mouth. Noel: Yeah, what he %$&^ing said. Richie: Well, I'm sorry guys, but I was extremely complimentary about you, and the spoilt thing was a quote taken out of context! I ain't looking for a fight. Liam: Well we are! (Noel throws the first punch, and it all goes down hill from there. Considering it's two on one, Richie puts up an excellent fight.But it all gets a bit too much, and Richie falls backwards, knocking Jon into the fray as well. Jon falls to the floor, taking Diane with him. She lands on top of him in a heap, dress ripped and giggling on the Red Carpet, while Richie, Noel and Liam continue their scrap. Everyone comes out of the party, anxious to see what's going on. Tico, Hugh and Dave can't get through the crowd to help their bandmates, but Cher manages to make it through, having spent many a year getting Richie out of fights. She just about manages to pull the fight apart, but falls down into a heap on top of Richie as one of her ridiculously high heels snap. Frantic photographers snap the fight and the fumble, and the photos were in the paper by the next morning. I wonder what Heather and Dorothea are thinking?!?!) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ OK! That's all! But I am in the process of writing one with Skullmonkey et al, and I think it's going to be a long one! Looking good though! Love Laura P.S. Here is my equivelant to a Bonus track on a CD- as far as I got with the Harry Potter story, until it stopped being funny. This is sort of like what "I could make a living out of loving you" was to Crush- just a Bonus, not really all that good, but worth a little peep! The Bongiovis- Harry Potter Special -------------------------------------------------------------- Jon is sat having his dinner in the kitchen, it's about 9pm, and Dorothea (ducky) comes in looking terribly ill -------------------------------------------------------------- Dot: *sniff* Jon, I need you to do me a favour. *cough* Jon: Are you ok, Honey? Dot: *sniff* I'm fine, just a cold, but I need you to go and get something for me Jon: Sure. Cough medicine? Dot: No, Harry Potter. Jon: What? In person? Dot: *rolls eyes* I promised Jake that I'd get the book for him on the day it came out- they'll be starting to queue by now, and I'm too ill to go in and get it for him, so could you...please?*sniff* Jon: Oh come on, it's a book! I don't want to be out until midnight to buy a book I can just as easily get for him tomorrow! Dot: Come on! One measly night! And it's not like you haven't stayed up until midnight for equally useless stuff! Jon: Name ONE TIME I stayed up doing useless stuff. Dot: Midnight in Chelsea. *sniff* Jon: That was a good song! Dot: Yeah...and I'm a turtle. *cough* It was passable till you had those bimbos put the sha-la-la bits in. Jon: *gritting his teeth* The backing vocals WERE NOT MY IDEA! And I'm not getting the stupid book. Dot: Fine. Jon: Why does it sound like you're saying "No sex until you buy the damn book" when you say "Fine"? Dot: Practice. Jon: Ok, I'll go buy the damn book. *He finishes his meal, clears up, and goes and gets in the car. Dot stands by the door, waving him off.* Dot: Thanks Honey! And don't come back without the book! Jon: *mumbles something about stupid english wizards* Ok! *He drives off, and it takes him an hour to get through the traffic and into the city, where he finds a bookshop that has a queue going right the way around the corner* Jon: Damn...maybe I should read it too... *A kid turns around to him and looks up at him* Kid: You never read Harry Potter? Jon: No, no I never have. Kid: *pulls on his mother's shirt* Mommy, that man can't read! Kid's Mum: *gasps* A public figure like you, and you can't read? Jon: *shocked* Np, I never said... Kid's mum: Are you calling my Joshy a LIAR? Jon: NO! I just...I...I can read... Kid's mum: You're all the same, rock stars, just can't be bothered with a decent education, can you? Come on, Joshy! *Joshy pokes his tongue out as he and his mother move away from him. Jn sighs, and looks at his watch. 10pm. 2 hours to go.*
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The wanderer returns...
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#3
07-01-2003, 11:38 PM
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Thanks, Laura!
 they're still hilarious! 
__________________
"Don't be told something is impossible. There's always a way." Robert Rodriguez
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#4
07-01-2003, 11:46 PM
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__________________
The wanderer returns...
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#5
07-02-2003, 05:26 AM
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I'll put mine in here too...hope that's OK, Laura
 Will work on Outlaw Part 2 this weekend....*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~* The scene opens with Jon sneaking into a tattoo parlor three towns away. He is going to inquire about getting his famous Superman tattoo changed into a big red heart with a "Mother" banner wrapped around it with the hopes it will make Mrs. B respect him more. Inside the parlor, which is basically just a hole in the wall, smells like a mix of sweat and Marijuana. The air is thick with smoke and grafitti art covers the walls. Jon is greeted by a skinny, purple-haired young woman wearing black mascara and black lipstick and more piercings than Skullmonkey. The nametag pinned to her black dress says "Thorn". Thorn: Help ya dude? Jon: Um...yes... *he looks down, not sure how to phrase his request* Thorn: Not sure what you want, huh? *grabs a tattoo design album and starts flipping through it, showing Jon various pics of tattoos* Lets see...the barbed wire and chain bracelets and collars are popular, the skulls, dragons, and bloody daggers are also big. Jon: *to himself* I might look good with a barbed wire... make me look tough. The ladies might like that Thorn: *studying Jon* Actually, dude, you seem the unicorn type. Maybe a nice pink bunny... Jon: NO PINK BUNNIES!! NO PINK ANYTHING!!!! I'm more of a man than that. Thorn: FINE, dude...just calm down. Don't make me call Lars to throw your a** outta here. Jon: Lars? Thorn: The owner. Big dude, about 6 foot 4, 300 pounds... Broke some dude's arm just yesterday. Jon: *looking down* Sorry Ma'am. I didn't mean to shout Thorn: Ok...so you, like, don't want pink bunnies or unicorns. What DO you want? Jon: I want you to change my Superman *shows her his arm* into a big red heart that says "Mother".... The tattoo order placed, Thorn leads Jon down a long, smoky hallway. She opens a door on the end and tells Jon to wait in the chair while Snake, the artist who is to fix Jon's tattoo, finishes up with a client. Jon waits patiently. he can hear mumbled voices coming from the next room, Snake and his female client. Suddenly the young woman screams in pain and anger... and a loud argument starts. Young woman: YOU A**!! That f***ing HURT!! Snake: I told you it would hurt like a b*tch to have THAT tattooed, but did you listen? Young woman: You said it would HURT. This f***ing feels like you're trying to cut it off!! Snake: You're a chick. You don't f***ing HAVE anything there to cut off. Young woman: You're f***ing sick. Snake: Are ya gonna let me do this or not? Young woman: Fine! Suddenly Jon realizes the young woman's voice sounds familiar. But it can't be.... Yet his curiosity gets the better of him and he goes to investigate anyway..... Jon opens the door and finds a large, greasy-looking man with a tattoo needle poised over the left ankle the young woman he heard screaming. A thick bracelet of intricately-drawn and exceptionally thorny rose vines is wrapped around the young woman's ankle. Her face is hidden by hair, but then she looks up see who burst into the door....and Jon's worst fears are realized. Jon faints cold on the floor. When he comes to a few minutes later, Snake and the young woman are standing over him. Jon: STEPHANIE!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?? Stephanie: ME?? What the f*** are YOU doing? Following me? Jon: Oh my god! But you...when you left this morning you told me you were going to church... and I thought... Stephanie: *rolls eyes* Don't f***ing blame me. You're the one who let me have the car keys. Jon: BUT YOU'RE NOT 18 YET!! You CAN'T get a tattoo...or pierced...or anything without parental permission Snake: Chill, Gramps, she IS 18. Her ID said she is *he picks up the ID Stephanie gave him and looks at it...then shows Jon*. Yep...right here. 18. Jon: *grabs the ID from Snake and examines it. Then glares at Stephanie* OH MY GOD! This is a fake ID. Where did you get this? Snake: Easy. Some dude sells 'em out of the back. Real professional job. I can hook ya up if ya wanna try 'n pass for 30... Jon: YOU stay out of this. *Jon reaches down and grabs Stephanie's ankle, forcing her to sit down in the chair* This...this....this is HUGE! What have you done to yourself?? Stephanie: *rolls eyes* What's it look like? I got inked. It's not like you didn't do it when you were my age. Jon: I was in my 20s!! You're...you're still my little baby girl!! Stephanie: Oh my GOD, dad. Shut up! It's not like I'm still 5. Jon: But....but that's permanent Stephanie: DUH!! The whole idea of Stephanie's tattoo still too much for him, Jon faints again. When he wakes up, he finds himself outside the door of the tattoo parlor with Mrs. B standing over him, glaring. Mrs B: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE HERE FOR ANOTHER TATTOO!! I THOUGHT YOU WERE FINALLY OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW BETTER!! Jon: Yes mom. I'm sorry *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~* For this one we're going to back in time to the pre-Jovi days.....to the days of Atlantic City Expressway.... It is the late 1970s. The scene opens to find a 16-year-old Jon (then John) and a 16-year-old David sitting on the front porch of John's parent's house, drinking soda and watching cars pass by. School has just let out for the summer and Atlantic City Expressway has scored a full calendar of gigs at graduation parties. The boys are trying to think of what to do to celebrate both occasions. John: I'm bored! *John finishes his soda and, trying to be cool, casually tosses the half-melted ice cubes into the lawn. Mrs B screams at him from inside the house* Mrs B: YOUNG MAN! DON'T BE LITTERING ON MY LAWN!! John: *rolls his eyes* Yes, Mom. Mrs B: AND DON'T ROLL YOUR EYES AT ME!! I SAW THAT, YOU KNOW!! *John gets off the porch, hunts for the cubes in the lawn, and drops them one by one back into his glass. David, not wanting to meet with a similar fate, gets a tighter grip on his glass* John: So what do ya wanna do? David: Donno. You? John: Donno either. David: This is boring John: Yeah David: Too bad we can't party to celebrate.... *John's eyes light up with the idea* John: Yeah! We'll have a kick ass party!! David: Dude, if you tried that your Mom would skin you alive. *laughs* You'd end up missing the day after and Matt and Anthony would be eating Johnny burgers for dinner every day the next five years. *David thinks about what he just said* David: Gross. Nasty. John: But we don't have to have it here. We could....I KNOW!! *John looks over his shoulder to make sure Mrs B is no longer within earshot* John: My cousin Tony owns this recording studio I'm pretty sure is always deserted at night. It's HUGE! We could use that for the party. David: Excellent!! John: So I tell my mom I'm going over to your house to work on writing some songs and s*it and your tell your parents the same thing. It's foolproof! Then you call your friends and I call mine and tell them to invite everyone. We're set! It'll go down in history as the best party of the year! David: WHOO-HOOO! It's the night of the party. Tony had agreed to let the boys use his studio for the party as long as they promised to clean the place up afterward....and then everyday for the next month. Tony even agreed to get them "party supplies" (Beer, beer, and....more beer). Over 200 people have showed up from friends telling friends about the party, and it looks like John's goal to make this the party of the year just might happen..... Until things start to fall apart. *David is guarding the beer with the help of Chuck, a neighborhood teen a few years older than he is* David: Lots of hot chicks here. Chuck: Yeah David: Check out the redhead over there *yells to the redhead* HEY BABY!! LOOKING HOT!!! Chuck: Who? Sheila? Not her! She's.....freaky. David: I like 'em freaky Chuck: Not freaky in the way she's freaky. I still have scars David: But I like fre......OH! Ouch. Chuck: Yeah. Stay away from her. *too late, Sheila hears what David yelled to her and slinks over* Sheila: Hi boys. You look like you could use some fun. David: I'm having fun Sheila: But you could always have more fun. *Sheila tries to run her fingers through David's curls. That doesn't work, so she reaches around and grabs his butt instead* Sheila: What do ya say, curly? *she licks his nose* *David's eyes get very big* Sheila: *looking down* Ooohhh, yeah! You wanna have more fun!! Chuck: Lay off the kid, Sheila. You'll scare him off women permanently. Sheila: Hi Chuckie. Chuck: I got a package for ya, Baby. Sheila: Ooooooohhhhhhhh. Really? Show me! Chuck: Richt this way, Baby! *Chuck hands David a can of beer and leads Sheila away* David: Beer...COOL! Meanwhile, John and his friend Rob, both already slightly drunk, are on a mission to find more drink cups. Convinced there are some in Tony's office, the two have picked the lock on the door and are unintentionally trashing the place as they search. John: I know they're here somewhere.... Rob: Dude...you sure? Ain't nothing here but file cabinets full of paperwork and sh*t. John: No. They're here! This is an office so there have to be cups here. Rob: That makes no sense John: Huh? Rob: Nevermind. John: Let's try the shelves over the desk *The two boys stand on the desk and start digging through the shelves, tossing albums and immportant-looking legal paperwork to the floor. In their hunt, they accidently knock over a large cardboard box. The contents spills to the floor, and the two forget about the cups* Rob: Videotapes John: No. Better!! Tony's porn collection! Rob: Porn? As in BOOBS? John: Yeah...Boobs! *The boys find a TV and VCR and start to go through the videotapes. They are soon glued to the screen, fasinated by all they see* Rob: Boobs are cool John: Yeah. Cool Rob: Porn is cool John: Yeah Rob: Boobs John: Boobs Having already drank and enjoyed the beer Chuck gave him, David has had several more.....and he is now enjoying the party much, MUCH more. David: WHOO-HOOOOO!!! *BURP!!* Partygoer: Excellent! David: Thank you! Partygoer: Can you burp the alphabet? David: I'll try. Hold on *takes another drink*.... ~A~....~B~....~C~...... *A large crowd of drunk partygoers gather around David as he demonstrates his abilities. Soon he is the center of attention....and he's loving it* David: ~W~.....~X~.....~Y~.....~Z~ *Everyone applauds and David takes a bow. Then he suddenly takes notice of the radio, which has been blaring rock and roll all night* David: HEY!! I KNOW THIS SONG!! *David jumps on a nearby table and, shaking his hips like Elvis, starts to sing along with the radio, using an empty beer can as a microphone* David: *singing* Shake it up baby now...twist and shout. YEAH! Shake it up baby now...work it on out! WHOO!! *A crowd of half drunk and totally drunk women rush to the table and crowd around it, screaming excitedly. Encouraged, David strips off his T-shirt and throws it into the crowd, which attacks it like vultures* Woman 1: It's MINE! Woman 2: NO!! He threw it at ME!! Woman 3: No he didn't! He threw it to ME!! Woman 4: I want it!! Woman 5: TAKE IT OFF!!!! *David obliges and, still singing, not missing a beat, kicks his shoes into the crowd. The shoes are devoured in seconds* Woman 1: MORE!! Woman 2: THE PANTS!!! *David unzips his jeans and tosses them to the screaming women. He is left standing on the table wearing nothing but his socks and his boxers, but he's too drunk to notice* David: This next song is for ALL the ladies.... Women: *SCREAMS* John, Rob, and most of the other males in the room are still watching porn. Suddenly there is a knock at the door, which is nearby. John gets up to answer it. Standing there are two cops, one male and one female. John: F***! Male officer: What's going on here? John: Uh.....we're looking for cups Rob: Yeah. And boobs John: Boobs are cool The cops push past John and enter the room where the party is being held. One look around tells them they're going to have their work cut out for them: John, Rob, and the other boys staring at the TV screen and cheering drunkedly everytime they see breasts (which is every 5 seconds)....David standing on the table in his boxers, clutching a beer can and surrounded by screaming drunk women. Male officer (to David): Young man, is that a beer can? David: *looks a bit lost at first, then looks at the can in his hand* Beer? Male officer: Yes, son, beer. David: Beer Male officer: You're not old enough to be drinking that, are you? David: *looking at the can* It's a beer can. Male officer: Yes, son. We know that already David: Want a beer? Female officer: All right. You boys are going to have to come down to the station for a breath test John: Did she say BREAST TEST? Rob: Boobs are cool! John: Yeah, cool!! *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~* Going back to the original Bongiovis format, one takes place in present time..... Our story opens with the Bongiovi family, with the exception of Jesse, is sitting around the dinner table. Still pouting about Stephanie's tattoo, Jon is not speaking to his daughter.....but is managing to get things done regardless. Jon: (to Jacob) Will you tell your sister to pass the green beans? Jacob: Stephanie, Dad wants you to pass him the green beans. *Stephanie rolls her eyes, but hands Jacob the beans...and Jacob hands them to Jon, who dumps a huge pile on his plate* Jon: Jake, ask your sister to pass the salt Jake: Steph, Dad wants... Stephanie: I know, I know...Jeez! If he'd stop acting so f***ing immature *she shoves the salt shaker in Jake's direction* Mrs B: You watch your mouth, young lady!! Stephanie: God, grandma, you'd think you never heard.... Mrs B: AND DON'T YOU TAKE THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN!!!! Stephanie: (mumbling) Whatever Jon: Jake, tell your sister to pass the Jell-o Jake: Steph... Stephanie: HERE, Dad *she gets up and shoves the dish into Jon's hands* Dorothea: has anyone seen Jesse? As if on cue, Jesse struts into the dining room....but he doesn't look like the Jesse they're used to: He is wearing ultra-baggy cargo pants, a tight white tank top, and a baseball cap on sideways. When he sits at the table, he takes off his cap and hangs it on the chair, revealing a bleached-out buzz cut with a single black stripe running from his forehead to the back of his neck. Everyone stares at him in horror......and Jon drops the dish of Jell-o he's holding, which crashes to the floor and breaks, splattering red goo all over. Jesse: Yo family! Stephanie: (laughing) Oh my god, will the real Slim Shady please stand up. Jacob: You look like a skunk! ....SKUNK BOY!! Dorothea: Jesse James Louis Bongiovi, what the hell did you do to yourself?!? *turns to Jon, who is staring open-mouthed* Jon! Say something to your son!! Jon: Wh-wh-what d-did....Huh? Jesse: Chill, y'all. (he stands up) Gangsta be what my head told me to do to keep it real, to be ME. And my name ain't anymore Jesse. That's a p*ssy name for little girls and p*ssies. I'm Outlaw....and I'm gonna be the most bad a** white rapper on the East Coast....or the West Coast. Mrs. B: (Crosses herself and starts mumbling in the direction of the ceiling) Stephanie and Jake: (singing) Won't the real Slim Shady please stand up, please stand up, please stand up.... Jake: SKUNK BOY!! HA HA! Jesse/Outlaw: Shut up. I'm gonna be bigger than that p*ssy Eminem. *Jon is still staring at Jesse in shock* Dorothea: JON! SAY SOMETHING TO YOUR SON!! Jon: B-b-but he's your son too... Dorothea: (Glares at Jon) Mrs B: (Continues praying) Jesse/Outlaw: So what d'ya think, Dad? Can I borrow the studio tomorrow to lay down some rhymes? Jon: Well....uh...I suppose.... Jesse/Outlaw: B*tchin' (He sits down and starts eating) Jon: Stephanie, sweetie, can you ask Jesse to pass me the... Later that night, while getting ready for bed, Jon and Dorothea are having a 'discussion' about Jesse's potential career as a rap artist. Dorothea: I don't see why you're encouraging him in this! Jon: I want to support his dreams. If no one supported my music career when I was his age, I've ended up spending my life flipping burgers for Huey's Dad Dorothea: But rap career isn't music. Oh I hope this is just a phase... Jon: But he might end up making it big! Either way I want to encourage him and his dreams *Jon thinks a minute....then the truth comes out* Jon: And this rap career thing might keep him from running off to join the NRA or the Michigan Militia or one of those other gun nut groups. If given the choice, I'd rather my son be a rapper than be living in a shack in the woods writing a manifesto. Dorothea: How dare you say such things about my baby!! Jon: I'm being realistic. Rapping is the first thing other than guns I've seen him take an interest in Dorothea: You mean you don't see our son as anything other than a gun nut?!? THAT'S IT!! YOU'RE ON THE COUCH TONIGHT!! *Dorothea grabs a pillow and blanket, shoves them into Jon's arms, pushes him out the door, and slams and locks it* Jon: (to the closed door) I think you misunderstood me.... The next morning, as promised, Jon and Obie are waiting in the studio for Jesse/Outlaw. Jesse/Outlaw enters wearing his baggy pants and a T-shirt with a picture of a giant marijuana leaf on it. Jesse/Outlaw: Yo! Yo! Yo! Da Outlaw is in da house!!! Obie: Hey Jon! Check it out.... Will the real Slim Shady please stand up! *Obie dances around the studio. Jesse/Outlaw glares at him* Jon: Are you ready, Jess...I mean, Outlaw? Jesse/Outlaw: Yo! Obie (to Jon): That means "yes" Jesse/Outlaw: (hands Obie a tape) Play this. This be my beats for my rhymes. *Jon shows Jesse into the recording room and has him put on a pair of bulky headphones. Jon and Obie step into the booth* Jon: Uh...Ok, son. Whenever you're ready... Obie: (singing) Ice ice, baby! Jesse: Hit it! Obie (to Jon): That means he's ready Jon: I know what that means Jesse: I said HIT IT!! *Obie flips a switch and the tape starts: A heavy drum and bass beat, accompanied by occasional guitar riffs sampled from Wanted Dead or Alive, fills Jesse/Outlaw's headphones. He waits....and begins rapping* Jesse/Outlaw: Yo! I was drivin thru da 'hood wit my b*tches in back, they was givin me a %$#&$ and I was %$$@*%% 'em back..... *Jesse/Outlaw continues his rap, which includes more %$#@!! with "b*tches", a run-in with a female cop, more %$#@&%!!, a high-speed chase to get away from a male cop that ends with both cops getting shot, and lots more &^%%$#. In fact, pretty much every other word is &^%$#$##@. Jon and Obie just sit in the booth, Obie is enjoying it, but Jon is paralized (and horrified) by what he's hearing* Obie: Damn! That kid is GOOD! He's WAY better than Vanilla Ice Jon: Where did he learn that stuff?? And what the hell is a $%&$#?? Obie: A $%&$# is when you.... *Obie leans over and whispers in Jon's ear. Jon's eyes get big* Jon: In all my rock and roll party days, I never even heard of that!! And here's my son..... Obie: But he IS good. Jon: Uh.... *Jesse/Outlaw, having nailed the rap in his first take, comes into the sound booth* Jesse/Outlaw: Whatcha think? Obie: Dude! That rocked! Jesse/Outlaw: Dad? Jon: Uh.... Obie: You really got something there, Jess (he hands Jesse/Outlaw the tape of his rap) *Jesse/Outlaw takes the tape and heads toward the door of the studio* Jesse/Outlaw: B*tchin! Thanks, Ob! Thanks Dad! I gotta go play this for Mom, Steph, Jake, and Grandma!
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There's more to life than Jon Bon Jovi—there's David Bryan  
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#7
07-02-2003, 07:14 PM
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Night after night after night.......
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#8
07-02-2003, 11:48 PM
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#9
07-03-2003, 11:53 PM
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The wanderer returns...
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#10
07-04-2003, 09:15 PM
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The wanderer returns...
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