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"OFFICIAL" BONGIOVIS THREAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Old 07-01-2003, 08:13 PM
Sambora_Laura Sambora_Laura is offline
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Default "OFFICIAL" BONGIOVIS THREAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Once Again- these have all been sorted to go onto the first page of the new thread- all updated and included!


I have had to do it in two parts because there are too many to fit on one post now! ARGH!


Love
Laura

---------------------------------------------


1.

WoW!

That would be fab- MTV cribs, a Bon Jovi Special!
After all, that's how the Osbournes began!

Who knows?
5 years down the line...
------------------------
6 months after MTV cribs Bon Jovi Special has been aired for the 10th time, and was a massive hit as usual...
scary voice over man:
"From the Makers of the Osbournes, MTV presents...THE BONGIOVI'S!"
------------------------

(Jon is sitting in Sanctuary 2, attempting to write the greatest song in the world)
Jon: woah...we're half way there...no, wait, that's been done...dammit!
*Stephanie walks in, wearing knee-high boots and fishnet tights, and with luminous green hair*
Stephanie; Daaaaaaaad, Jesse borrowed my Mascara again without asking, and now there's none left!
Jon: Steph, sweetie, I'm busy...
Stephanie: You're ALWAYS busy, you never f***ing listen to me any more!
Jon: It's not that I don't listen to you! I've done 11 tours to go with 11 albums, all stood infront of about 6 million decibels of Richie's godawful playing! I'm listening, but I can't hear you! Just write me a bloody note!
(Steph writes him a note, telling him in so many words as to "Go away", and storms off)
Jon: I asked for that...
(Jesse runs into the room)
Jesse: DAD! DAD! Some aliens just landed and kidnapped Copper! Can I have the gun?
Jon: *sighs* No Jesse, you can't have the gun. And don't borrow your sister's mascara without asking! Jesse: But every time I ask she calls me a Jessy!
Jon: Well, in a way, that's true...
Jesse: Oh my ***king god, Dad! You're so ****king immature! I bet Ozzy isn't like this!
Jon: JESSE! That's E-f***ing-Nuff!!!!!!!!! I AM BUSY!
(Jesse storms off to look for some knives to play with. Jon gives up on writing, and walks up to the kitchen, where Richie is eating a sandwich)
Jon: Are you still here?
Richie: (through a mouthful of BLT) apparently so. You still writing crap? Jon: Nope (opens the fridge to get a carton of Milk) Can't even write that anymore.
Richie: I knew passing up that Aerosmith gig was a mistake! Steven Tyler can at least write crap!
Jon: (can't find a glass, so he takes a swig out of the milk carton then puts it back) You write something then!
Richie: Whenever I do, you tell me it's crap!
Jon: Well let me see it again, because I ain't got any better ideas!
(Richie goes off to get his guitar and Jon sits at the piano, and begins to play)
Jon: (singing) Nothing lasts forever, and we both know hearts can change...and it's hard to hold a candle in the cold nov-
(Axl Rose jumps in through the window, along with Slash, who is playing a dramatic "Jumping through the window!" fiddly bit on his guitar")
Axl Rose: Sing that line and I'll sue the pink frills off your underwear, Mother******!!!!!!!!!
(Jon looks extremely depressed and exasperated, and again tries to write something. Then Jake runs in with a knife)
Jake: Daddy! Daddy! Jesse got your gun and he chased Stephanie around the block with it!
Jon: Jake! I...am...BUSY!
(Richie comes back in with his guitar, and Jesse runs in with the gun. He trips on one of the leads from Richie's guitar. The gun goes off and kills Axl Rose and Slash)
Jesse: Oops...
Jon: What did I tell you about the gun?!?!
Jesse: THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! If you hadn't let me run wild, he'd still be alive! You killed him!
Jon: DOROTHEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------


The Osbournes, Bon Jovi style...
Next week- The Samboras!!!!!

Richie: HEATHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!


-----------
2.
-----------

------------------------------------------
The Bongiovis- part 2:
A visit from Mrs B...
------------------------------------------
(Jon is again sat at the Piano, trying to write the greatest song in the world, while Jesse, Jake and Stephanie are at school. Dorothea is practising her martial arts on a mat about 10ft from the piano. Richie is down in the basement pretending to write, but he's actually playing on a playstation with Obie)
Jon: hmmmmmmm...no, no, that's not it...
Dorothea: hai-YAH! (jumps around a bit on the mat)
(Jon looks up, and glares)
Jon: Dot, Darling, is there *any* chance you could go somewhere else?
Dot: Nope! (jumps across the room and kicks a vase into a million pieces)
(Jon flinches as the pieces of the vase hit the deck, and carries on writing. The doorbell rings, and he jumps up to answer it. He answers the door, and Mrs B marches in)
Jon: Hey mom.
Mrs B: (smacks him around the head) Jon! I thought I told you I didn't like the way this hall is decorated!
Jon: But Maaaaa! This is MY house! I'm 40 Years old!
Mrs B: And I gave you the gift of LIFE, SUNSHINE!
Jon: Point taken.
Mrs B: I like Pink
Jon: I hate...
Mrs B: anything but Pink in a hallway, I know you do. So change it!
(Jon mutters something under his breath. Mrs B clouts Jon around the ear, and marches into the room where Dorothea is practising)
Mrs B: Cheeky swine!
Dot: Hi mom!
Mrs B: Hey sweetie!
(she kisses Dot on the cheek)
Practising hard?
Dot: Harder than ever!
Mrs B: (urgently) Jon!
(Jon runs in from the hall, looking worried)
Jon: What's the matter?!?!
Mrs B: Why is the Piano still in the room?! I *told* you that you disturb Dorothea when she's practising!
Dot: Oh no, really Mrs B, I don't mind him being there!
Jon: YOU don't mind ME?
Mrs B: JON! (smacks him around the head again) Move that piano! NOW! (Jon looks scared and runs to the piano, and starts to push it towards the door. As he is, Richie appears in the doorway)
Richie: What the...?
Jon: Don't ask...(keeps pushing the piano)
(Richie ducks under the piano, and pops up the other side)
Richie: Hey Mrs B!
Mrs B: Ricky!
Richie: It's Richie, actually...
Mrs B: Of course, sweetie! How are you feeling?
Richie: I'm feeli...
Mrs B: That's great, just great, but could you get me a coffee, sweetie?
Richie: (shrugs) Sure...Dorothea?
Dot: Not for me.
Mrs B: Thank you Ronald!
Richie: *muttering under his breath* It's Richie, dammit!
(there is a loud crash, followed by several loud bands and crashes, and then one huge thud from the Basement. Obie comes running up the stairs)
Obie: OH MY GOD! IT'S THE APOCALYPSE!!!!!!!!!!!!! SAVE YOURSELVES! (Obie dives out of the window)
Mrs B: Odd young man. Roland? Be a dear and see what that noise was?
Richie: Yes Mrs B...(goes down the stairs, and sees a mangled heap of what appears to be Jon and the Piano) Dude! You Ok?
Jon: (accompanied by discordant piano-ish sounds) I'm...I'm...fine.
(Richie rushes to help him up and out of the mess)
Jon: NO! Is my mother still here?
(Mrs B calls down the stairs)
Mrs B: JON! stop making such a racket! I am *trying* to Talk to Dorothea up here! And Reggie, sweetie, I am *awfully* thirsty!
Richie: I'll be up in a minute, Mrs B!
Mrs B: Very good dear!
Richie: Yes she's still here, dude.
(Richie goes to help Jon Up out of the mess)
Jon: NOOOOOO! Leave me here! Let me die!!!!!!!!!!!!

---------------
finis
---------------


----------------
3.
----------------

The shopping trip! I don't know what shops you have in America, so I'll use Wal-mart (which I think you have) British people, where you see Wal-mart, read Tesco's/Sainbury's/Marks and Sparks, French People read Intermarche/Super U/Continent, and I'm afraid for the rest of you, I don't know what your big shops are! It's just meant to be a big store that sells pretty much everything!

Oh, and Americans! A shopping trolley is what you call a shopping cart, I believe. Metal cage on wheels that you put your stuff in!


Enjoy!

-------------------------------------
(Jon has been sent out by Dorothea and the militant Italian mother, Mrs B, to go shopping. Obie goes with him to keep him company.)
-------------------------------------

Dorothea: (calling from inside the house) Don't forget the potatoes!
Mrs B: Or my special pasta sauce!!!!!
Jon: (calling back) I WON'T!!!!!!
Obie: (getting into the car) Yes you will. You always do, and she always clouts you one when you do.
Jon: Obie, I have a wife, a daughter and a mother. I do not need to have my faults pointed out by you! They give me a weekly list.
Obie: Just saying, boss.
Jon: Well don't! (he turns the radio on, and the DJ does a voice over)

DJ: Let's lighten the mood with some comedy! Here's an ancient classic, all the way from back in the eighties, when style was taken out of the dictionary, and talent was taken out of the music industry! It's scrawny old Rockers Bon Jovi, and there once-upon-a-hit-single, Living in...sorry, on, a prayer! After this, I promise there'll be some REAL music!

(Living on a Prayer begins to play, and Jon looks furious)

Obie: Now boss, he didn't mean it...
Jon: (mildly hyperventilating) Did...you...hear...him?!?!?!
Obie: It was all in good humour! And anyway, what does he know?!?! He's a DJ for god's sake! I mean...
Jon: OBIE! he called us OLD! he called us SCRAWNY! HE CALLED OUR GREATEST WORK A ONCE-UPON-A-HIT-SINGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GRAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!

(the car swerves as Jon has an apparent anger fit, and Obie grabs onto the dashboard for dear life. They speed the rest of the way to Wal-Mart, and when they get there, Jon swings into a carparking space at top speed, knocking the wing mirror of the car beside him)

Obie: Er, boss, this is the disabled bay...
Jon: DO YOU THINK I CARE?!?!?! And anyway! (sounding wounded) I am disabled! I'm old and scrawny...
Obie: *silence*
Jon: (annoyed) Feel free to jump in and disagree whenever you like!
Obie: Oh, er...well, I just thought that it went without saying!
Jon: Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure you did!

(They walk into Wal-Mart, and as they enter, they both look left, then right in perfect unison, and then they both don a pair of dark glasses. Obie produces Mrs B and Dorothea's list)

Obie: Right, we need Vegetables- including Potatoes.
Jon: Ok, let's go.

(They trundle off down the vegetable isle, and Jon pushes the shopping trolley while Obie picks up the stuff.)

Jon: Obie, if you hadn't been a technician, what would you have been?
Obie: It was always my dream to be a teacher...
Jon: Wow, you would have made an excellent teacher.
Obie: No, I wouldn't. I just said it was always my dream, because I hate children, and a teacher has supreme power of those little brats. I would never have been a teacher, they wouldn't have let me in. I just said it was my dream.
Jon: oh.
Obie: I would probably have worked at Pizza hut...or maybe at Hugh's father's restaurant. You know the one?
Jon: MacDonalds?
Obie: yeah...that's the one...What makes you ask, Boss?
Jon: Oh, it was just that DJ. What if he was right? What if we'd never made it? What would I have done?
Obie: I'm sure there was plenty you could have done!
Jon: Like what?
Obie: You could have been a teacher!
Jon: I hate kids.
Obie: You have 3 of your own!
Jon: That doesn't mean I like kids. That means Dorothea likes kids, and my mother wants Grandchildren.
Obie: You love them really.
Jon: Only until they can talk, of course...
Obie: Well, of course!

(suddenly, a girl across at the Deli counter spots Obie and Jon, and screams)

Girl: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! IT'S HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(all the other women in the store scream and shout, and run for them)

Jon & Obie together: OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

(they spin around and run as fast as they can, but the women stay in hot pursuit)

Various women: WE LOVE YOU!!! COME BACK!!!!!

(the chase continues for many minutes, and the store security guards are powerless to stop the screaming hordes. Eventually, they corner Jon and Obie in the Sauce Isle, and they give up)

Jon:OK! OK! I give up! What do you want, Autographs? Hugs? I'll do anything! ANYTHING!
1st girl: What the hell are you talking about?!?!
2nd girl: Yeah, we don't want anything off you!!!
Jon: Then why the hell were you chasing me?!?!
1st Girl: We weren't chasing *you*! We're after Obie!
Jon & Obie: WHAT?!?!

(After about half an hour of Obie signing autographs, kissing babies and having his photograph taken, they finally manage to get back to their shopping, and the last thing on their list is Mrs B's sauce)

Jon: I cannot believe that just happened! Obie: (flicking through his file-o-fax) Neither can I! I got 36 phone numbers!
Jon: (glaring) The novelty will wear off, believe me!
Obie: But in the mean time, I'll be phoning Daria, Sarah, Josephine, Diane, Rebecca, Jane, Gwen, Richard...
Jon: Richard?
Obie: Seems like a nice guy!
Jon: Oh. Obie: (putting his file-o-fax away) Anyway, let's just get your mother's pasta sauce, and we'll be gone!
Jon: Ah, there it is!

(Jon reaches up to grab the sauce, and he glances across the isles to the lingerie isle, where he sees a young girl holding up an extremely slinky negligee to herself and looking in the mirror, with a boy who appears a few years older sat behind her, commenting on it, and they both have their backs to him. She turns around from the mirror, and Jon drops the jar of Pasta sauce, covering Obie from head to foot in Mama Amalfi's tomato and coriander pasta sauce.)

Jon: Oh my God...
Obie: WATCHIT, BOSS!!!! It's not like I have anything else to wear, you know!
Jon: STEPHANIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Jon pushes Obie out of the way, and runs across to her. Stephanie looks shocked, and chucks the negligee down quickly. The boy jumps up and spins around at full speed, revealing pierced ears, eyebrows and nose, and a tattoo of barbed wire going right the way around his neck)

Stephanie: DAD! What... a suprise to see you here!
Jon: YOUNG LADY, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING!!!!AND WHO THE HELL IS THAT?!?!

(points at the pierced and tattooed due, who looks scared out of his mind)

Stephanie: er...This is...umm...Charles.
Jon: Charles?
Charles: Yeah, but my posse call me Skullmonkey...oops...
Jon: SKULLMONKEY?!?!
Stephanie: Way to go, skull...
Jon: (to Skullmonkey) So, *CHARLES*, what the hell do you think you're doing here with my daughter?!?!
Charles: (looking really scared) er...shopping?
Stephanie: Dad, please...
Jon: I'll deal with you in a minute, madam!!!! Shopping for what, CHARLES?
Charles: Erm...nothing in particular...OH WOW!

(Obie rushes over, wiping the sauce from his clothes)
Obie: What'd I miss? Charles: Dude, are you Obie O’Brien?!?! You're my ****ing hero!!!!!
Obie: Really? Well, I aim to guide today's youth!
Charles: My 19th tattoo is dedicated to you!
Stephanie: Which one is that?
Charles: You know the one, babe! the one on my...
Jon: BABE???????
Charles: oops...
Jon: RIGHT! THAT IS IT! STEPHANIE, YOU ARE COMING HOME WITH ME NOW!
Stephanie: But Dad! I haven't finished shoppi...
Obie: (to Charles) did I miss something
Charles: Kind of...
Jon: (to Stephanie) NO BUTS! I SAY YOU'VE FINISHED, SO YOU HAVE!

(Jon grabs her by the arm, and begins to drag her off. Then he turns around to Charles again)

Jon: And YOU, my boy! If I ever see you within ten yards of my daughter again, I will remove that tattoo dedicated to Obie, and whatever part of your body it may be on, kapeesh?!?!

(Charles and Obie's eyes widen)

Charles: (terrified) Yes sir!
Stephanie: SKULL! STAND UP TO HIM!
Charles: Er, babe...
Jon: I BEG YOUR PARDON?!?!
Charles: Sorry! I mean, Miss Bongiovi, ma'am, now may not be the time...
Stephanie: You are unbelievable! (storms off to wait by the car)
Jon: Obie! Pay for the shopping! We're leaving!

(Jon storms out after Stephanie, and Obie shrugs to Charles, and takes the stuff to pay for it. He makes his way out to the car, where Jon is sat in the driver's seat, giving Stephanie a lecture on sex before marriage)

Jon: And don't you DARE go thinking that I don't know all you're tricks, madam! Because I've tried them all!
Stephanie: What tricks?!?! Dad, you must think I'm some kind of tart!
Jon: HOW ELSE DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT...THAT THING YOU WERE ABOUT TO TRY ON!
Stephanie: My god, Dad! You are so embarrassing!
Jon: If I ever find out you've been up to anything with that Monkeyskull
Stephanie: Skullmonkey...
Jon: WHATEVER! If I ever find that you have...well, I promise you he won't live to see the light of day again!

(Stephanie sits in a huff in the back seat. Obie finished loading up the shopping, and jumps into the car)

Obie: Nice lad, that Charles! Do you know him, Stephanie?
Jon & Stephanie: SHUT UP!

(they make the rest of the journey back in silence. When they reach the house, Stephanie jumps out of the car and runs into the house. Jon calls after her, but she just runs up to her room. He and Obie unload the shopping, and they carry it inside)

Dorothea: JON! WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?!?!
Jon: Hey sweetie, we had a bit of a prob...
Dorothea: and WHAT have you done to your daughter! She came running in distraught, and your mother has had to go and calm her down!
Jon: You would not BELIVE what she was up to...
Dorothea: And what's this I hear from Charles that you threatened him?!?! He just rang to see if Stephanie was alright!
Jon: You KNEW about him?
Dorothea: Of course I did! Oh to hell with it, I'm going to see if I can undo the damage you've done.

(Dorothea Storms off)

Jon: Well bugger me!
Obie: Well, Ok, but won't Dorothea mind?
Jon: GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!
Obie: Yes boss!

(Obie runs off to the Sanctuary. Mrs B comes down the stairs, looking furious)

Mrs B: What HAVE you done to my Grand daughter?!?!
Jon: Nothing, Mom! I swear, I was only...
Mrs B: you were only NOTHING! Don't answer me back! Now where's my sauce?!

(Jon runs as fast as he can out of the door of the house)

-----------------
finis
-----------------


------------
4.
-----------

I will tolerate no complaints on my portrayal of either Dave or Richie; there is NO BIAS. Dave is stupid, Richie is a nasty drunk. They're even! So no accusations!

I will be losing my computer (has to go in for repairs) tonight, and I don't know when I'll have it back, so while I'm gone, vote like mad, OK? And I will write the conclusion upon my return! Spread the word of the battle to all four corners of Jovidom!

Here we go...

----------------------------------------------
Sanctuary Sound II
----------------------------------------------
After all the holiday festivities are over, Jon, Richie, Tico, Dave and Obie O’Brien are all sat on the floor of the studio, leaning up against the piano, amps and the walls, drinking beer. They’re all wearing dodgy paper Christmas party hats, and Tico is of course wearing his uber-cool sunglasses. Richie has had a *bit* too much to drink!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Richie: Headssssssss up! *throws an empty Budweiser can at the bin, but misses and hits Tico on the head*
Tico: Watch your step, Amigo! They don’t…
Richie: Yeah, yeah, they don’t call you Tico “the Hitman” Torres for nothing. *turns to Dave, who is sat next to the crate of beer* Hey Goldielocks, pass me a beer?
Dave: *does nothing, but looks confused* but Jon’s nowhere near the beer!
Richie: I meant you, curly! Who in their right mind would call Jon goldielocks when we all KNOW it’s a wig, and he’s really bald!
Jon: I am NOT! Just because your wife does the L’Oreal adverts doesn’t mean the rest of us don’t have perfect hair!

(Obie leans over to give Jon’s hair a tug, but Jon smacks his hands onto his head and glares at him)

Just try it, Kenobi, just try it…

(Obie sits back down and looks scared to glance up from his beer)

Dave: So…who’s curly?
Richie: YOU, DAVE!
Dave: Oh.

(Everyone looks at Dave, expecting him to pass Richie a beer. He doesn’t move, and acts like he’s not been spoken to.)

Richie: Er, hello? Earth to perm boy?!?!
Dave: Who’s…
All: YOU, DAVE!
Dave: Well there’s no need to shout at me! *sulks*
Richie: Never mind, I’ll get it myself! *stands up and goes to get himself a beer*
Obie: So….everyone have a good Christmas?
All: *they all nod and mumble in agreement*
Tico: I got three new wives this year!
Obie: Really? Any good?
Tico: Once you’ve been married once, hombre, you know it all…
Obie: Know what you mean. Hugh?
Hugh: huh?
Obie: How was your Christmas?
Hugh: Huge, thanks. We all had MacTurkey burgers at Dad's restaurant. And we all got models of my dead brother, which was nice.
Obie: What's your brother's name?
Hugh: Ronald.

(Dave, Richie and Obie all burst out laughing. Even uber-cool Tico can't help but grin. Jon seems angry)

Jon: Guys! How could you be so cruel! His brother is dead! My god, have you no hearts?
Hugh: Jon, it's ok!
Jon: No Huey, you have to let all the pain out! How did he die?
Hugh: Some kids mauled him because they got the wrong toy in their happy meals.
Jon: Oh my god! That's awful! Hugh, I'm so sorry! *Jon hugs Hugh*
Hugh: Get off me man! I'm fine! He was a b@st@rd. I hated him. I'm glad he's gone!
Jon: What an awful thing to say! Aren't you even sorry that he's dead?!
Hugh: Well, I am sorry that the kids got there first...
Jon: oh. But you said getting the models was nice!
Hugh: One of my principle religious beliefs is that of the Voodoo doll...
Tico: Amigo, he is dead!
Hugh:...let me finish! One of my other principle beliefs is in the afterlife. I rip another part off that doll everyday. He'll suffer. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..eh...*cough cough*


(awkward pause)

Obie: So... Jon, get anything nice?
Jon: Mom got me some pink paint.
Obie: *giggling* Why?!
Jon: *sighs* She wants me to paint the hall Pink. And what mother wants, mother gets.

(They all laugh. After a while, the silence comes back, punctuated by a few lazy yawns. They all down a few more beers, and Jon falls asleep on Obie’s shoulder. Dave is the only one of them who still appears cheerful)

Dave: So…Rich, did you get any new gear for Christmas?
Richie: I have all the gear I want. Just because you don’t, doesn’t mean everyone else hasn’t got everything they want! Don’t you DARE be so rude to me, goldielocks!

(Jon wakes up from hearing Richie’s raised voice, all the others start paying more attention)

Dave: *looking hurt* Well exCUSE me if you’re jealous!
Richie: Of what, you’re hair?!?!
Dave: NO! That MY Lunar Eclipse Album was much more admirable than YOUR p!ss poor effort!
Jon: Guys, don’t you think…
Richie: IT WAS AN AMAZING ALBUM! IT WAS JUST OVERLOOKED, PERM-BOY!!!!!!!
Dave: IT WAS AWFUL, STRANGER-BOY! ADMIT IT! YOU’RE NOTHING WITHOUT US!
Jon: Guys! Calm Down! This can all…
Richie: Don’t get me STARTED on Blaze of Bloody Glory, wig-man!

(Jon looks hurt, Obie and Tico come a bit closer, just in case they need to help break it all up)

Richie: Stranger, am I, Goldielocks?
Tico: *whispered to Obie* True, they don’t come much stranger than Senior Sambora when he’s drunk!
Richie: I heard that, Fidel!
Tico: *putting hands up in the air and looking over the rims of his uber-cool glasses* I mean you no disrespect, Amigo!
Obie: Guys! This is getting too much. There is only one way to settle this.
All: What?
Obie: *dramatic pause* It’s gonna have to be a game of Rock, scissors, paper.
All: *gasp!*

(Obie sets about making a circle on the floor, out of empty beer-cans. Dave steps into the ring first, with a look of forced nastiness on his face. Richie steps in looking what he is. Drunk as a Frenchman. Tico and Jon stand behind Dave, and Obie steps between them.)

Dave: You guys are taking my side? Thanks! I never knew you cared!
Tico: Amigo, would YOU be stood next to Senior Sambora at this moment in time if you had the option?
Dave: Oh.
Jon: But we are rooting for you!
Dave: I’m stupid, but not that stupid!
Richie: You had me fooled!

(Dave steps towards Richie, but Obie puts his arm out to stop him.)

Obie: Now, you all know the rules. Rock blunts scissors; scissors cut paper, and paper wraps around rock. You put your hands behind your backs, and on my count of three, you draw. One round, no best of threes, and then it’s settled. Right?

(They both nod in agreement. There is sweat beading on both their foreheads. Tico looks nervous, and is biting his nails. Jon is terrified)

Jon: Oh god! I can’t look! *buries his face in Tico’s shoulder*
Tico: Amigo! That is Armani you are sweating on!
Jon: *stands up straight and brushes off Tico’s shoulder* My apologies…

Obie: Ready?

(They nod)

Obie: One…








Two…






THREE!

---------------
STOP!

---------------

HERE IS YOUR VOTE! SUPPORT YOUR HERO!

Who should win the Rock, Scissors, Stones competition?
get your votes in as soon as possible!


------------------------------
4 and a quarter
------------------------------

THE VOTE IS OFFICIALLY OVER!


And the final scores are:
(Only votes cast after the episode was posted have been counted)

Richie: 8
Dave: 13


Commiseration’s, Richiedom, but Daveland won!
I shall write the conclusion as soon as I can, and it will arrive at the very latest on Sunday evening GMT.


Thankyou to the voters:

Jovi-obsession, Davidmaniac, Taija,Badlove, *Yume*, neurotica, Mad4Jovi, Carebear, Daveswildnight and Sammii-Bris,who all voted for Dave!

Also, to Mike and eeyore, who switched their votes from Richie to Dave after seeing what a nasty evil drunk Richie was! And to itsjonslifeimdevoted (everyone's favourite illiterate board member) for not understanding the post and voting for Jon, then having it explained and also voting for Dave.

And the Loyal Richie fans whose votes were valued every bit as much as all the people who voted for Dave:

Choclady, Ellie, Lindajb, Dreaminglittlerunaway, The Walrus, Edwin ans Shaun Bon jovi, who all voted for Richie. (And I must confess, had I not disqualified myself from voting, Richie would have had my ballot)


And a special mention to Goose, who voted for himself...


---------------------------
4 and a Half
---------------------------

-------------------------------------------
Sanctuary Sound II
We pick up where we left off...
-------------------------------------------

Obie: One, Two, THREE!

(Jon gasps, Tico crosses himself, Obie jumps out of the way and Hugh just stands there being huge. Time seems to stand still, until Dave and Richie both throw their arms forward in slo-mo, and then they see the result)

Tico: Holy mother of Cuba!
Jon: OH MY GOD!
Hugh: That's huge, man...
Obie: Well this was unexpected...

(They all stand there flabberghasted. Richie had made a paper gesture, and Dave had made a rock Gesture, but in his premature celebration, Richie had attempted to jump into the air with happiness, but as he had been so low to the ground out of concentration, he had jumped full pelt right into Dave's balled fist, and we all know how firm the hand of a professional pianist is! Richie fell to the floor unconscious, and Dave just stood there looking...well...suprised...)

Dave: Did I just...
Obie: Knock out a drunkard with a severe attitude problem and muscles of steel? Yes you did, my mentally challenged friend, and you win by default! Dave: Oh...*looks sad*
Obie: Dave...you WON! That's good...
Dave: Oh right! YEAH! WOOHOO! Who da man?!
Jon: *runs up to Dave and hugs him* I KNEW you could do it, Dave, I just knew you were strong enough! *starts to cry*
Tico: Ay ay ay! *throws Jon out of the way and shakes Dave's hand*...Well done Amigo, you done good. Senior Sambora was a tough match.
Dave: Thanks, man!
Hugh: Dave, I didn't think much of you before...
Dave: oh...
Hugh: ..infact, I thought you were a bit of a jackass...
dave: erm...
Hugh: And you know what?
Dave: What?
Hugh: I still do, but you're one lucky son of a b!tch! Good going, goldielocks.
Dave: Who's goldiel...


(Hugh punches Dave, and knocks him out. Dave and Richie just lie there in a heep on the floor)

Tico: Huey! What the hell was that, hombre?!
Hugh: It had to be done...the Goldielocks thing started off the whole war thing, and I just figured it would save us all a lot of time if I just decked him here and now, because it's obvious I'd have won, because I'm just so huge.
Tico: True, true...
Jon: I suppose it *did* save us time...

(awkward pause)

Hugh: So, who's up for a MacBudweiser at Dad's place?
Tico and Jon: MEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Obie: Can I have a MacFosters?
Hugh: Sure thing, dude.
Obie: alright! But what about Tweedle dum and Tweedle dee here? *he gestures to Richie and Dave*
Tico: They'll live! Cu'mon! Amigo, do not make me wait longer than I have to for my Happy meal!

(They all run off to MacDonald's, Hugh's father's restaurant, and leave Richie and Dave where they are)

--------------------------------------------
finis
--------------------------------------------

I *know* that technically Richie won, but Dave knocked him out, and therefor Dave wins by default! It's all there in the Rock, Scissors, Paper rules, guys!


-----------------------------------
5.
-----------------------------------

-------------------------------------
Backstage
Following a gig in a random country
---------------------------------------

(They all join hands and take their bows, and leave the stage)

Jon: WoooHOO! Was that or was it not a great night for Rock and Roll?!!?
Hugh: It was huge, man
Tico: *hols up a broken drumstick* I broke my stick!
Richie: That's nothing! Look at my arm!

(They all look at Richie's arm, which bears a large Gash)

Tico: But you can grow another arm...I have to BUY another stick!
Dave: Tico, you're rich, you can afford it.
Tico: Hombre, you have not had many wives, have you? They take half, or more, every time!

(Richie leans over hands Tico a piece of paper)

Richie: My Lawyer. Call him.
Tico: *rips it up* No offense hombre, but your lawyer lost you enough to fund all that Plasticness Cher had done. He's worse than mine!
Richie: Fair poin...ay ay AY!

(A very attractive woman comes into the room, bearing a first aid kit)

Girl: Which one of you is Sambora?

(They all put their hands up, but she guesses which one Richie is from the blood spurting from his fore arm)

Girl: So what happened to you?
Richie: Well, I don't really know, I mean I'm usually so resilliant to injury, and I don't feel any pain at al...ARGHG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Richie passes out as she extracts a large splinter)

Tico: My Stick!
Dave: er, Teek? Do you remeber what Richie did last time he got angry?
Tico: No, I don...the rock, scissors, paper episode?

(they all nod)

Tico: Ai chiwowa!!!!!!!!!

(runs away as fast as he can)

Jon: So, who's up for a beer?

----------

Breif, I know, but let me know if you think I should expand on the backstage idea, bringing in fans and the press and whatnot!




-----------------------
6
-----------------------


----------------------------------------
Dry County Meet and Greet
Backstage at a Gig

(author's note: The country in which the gig takes place is the magical country of anywhere land, where Dry County regulars from all over the world all live withing 5 minutes proximity of the venue!)

-------------------------------------

( A crowd of fans are gathering at the backstage door of a Bon jovi Gig. Many a screaming girl is offering herself and her sister to Jon, and crying and screaming, reminiscient of Beatle mania.

Similarly, a smaller crowd is crying and screaming hysterically for Richie, but there are also some guitar virtuosos there asking to be allowed back to see their "Mate" Rich so they can jam with him.

For Tico, many people who would usually be frequenting Las Vegas Wedding Chappels, looking for Husbands that like Multiple marriage, and some scary looking Spanish Mafia.

For Hugh, some Huge people.

And for Dave, mostly Gay men, who are avid fans of his Musicals and consider him a gay icon, and also hairdressers anxious to style his barnet.

Then, a small crowd of 8 people walk through the crowds, proudly displaying their backstage passes. They are the oddest bunch of people anyone there has ever seen; all eccentric, strange and disturbing in their own way, but none of them match. Their passes all have one thing in common, though. Above their (somewhat odd) names are thee words.

Dry County Crew.

They all walk through the crowd, and are let in by the hefty security geezers. A ninth figure joins them, but no one seems to notice the mysterious figure. They walk into a large recieving lounge, and all sit and wait for the band to appear. The mysterious figure slinks into the shadows, and no one notices his presence.

The Band Finally arrive, and greet everyone. They have been told thet some people from a fan site are going to be doing a group interview with them, which is all they knew before they walked into the room. When they enter, the looks on their faces alternate from suprise, to horror, to confusion, to just plain *gotta smile for the fans no matter what planet they're from* grins.)

Jon: er...Hi, everyone! How are you all?

(They all nod in scary unison, some smiling at being in the presence of their heroes like it's they're birthday and Christmas at the same time. Others have their poker faces on.)

Richie: Soooo...you guys enjoy the show?

(Again, they nod in scary unison)

Tico: So, I hear this is going to be a kind of informal interview, right?

(They nod again)

Richie: Can you please stop that? Jon gets paranoid easily...he's had problems with mental health patients before, and any kind of...odd...behaviour scares him.
Jon: *glares* Richie, would you kindly not talk about my mother to these people?
Richie: Sorry Boss!
Jon: DAMMIT RICHIE, DO NOT CALL ME BOSS INFRONT OF THE FANS! *composes himself* So, Are you going to introduce yourselves? *smiles politely*

(Becky Stands up, smiley as ever)
Becky: Sorry your highness, we have been terribly rude! It's just not often that we are in the presence of such musical talent and lyrical genius...(she blushes) and such good looks (she giggles)

(Jon smiles and winks at her, which makes her go even redder)

KRB: For God's sake Becky, sit DOWN!

(She sits out of shock)

Mongoose: Here he goes...look out world...
KRB: Friends, Romans, Bonjovists. I would like to introduce myself. I am KRB, and these are my (he pauses,sneering slightly) friends...

(He points to each one of them in the order that they are sat.)

That there on the end, the one who was just campaigning for Olympic Gushing Gold medal, is Becky. That sadact who feels it necessary to have the last word on everything...
Mongoose: (interrupting) Do NOT!
KRB: ...Is Mongoose. Next to him is our resident argumentative Richie-obsessive, Sambo-Chris.

(Sambo-Chris waves)

Next, we have The one, the only, the greatest waste of space on the entire planet, with some form of "good looks" apparently but who knows WHERE the brain went, it's The Walrus.

(Walrus does a Fonzi from "Happy Days" style pose)

Walrus: Heeeeeeeeeeey!

(Dave winks at him, and he quickly stops looking cool and starts worrying)

KRB: Moving swiftly on, we have a compulsive poll-taker, Hellman. He'll ask you multiple choice questions until the sun comes up. Its people like him who shouldn't be allowed to reproduce. Then, we have the man himself. The man responsible for this Motley Crue (pun intended) of misfits, the man who created DryCounty.com. Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiits PETER!

Peter: Erm, hi.

(They all shake hands and sit down, and after a quick informal chat, they begin asking their questions.)

Becky: (Still flirting with Jon Like there's no tomorrow) So, um, Jon, is it ok if I call you Jon?
Jon: (Still flirting with Becky Like there's no tomorrow) You can call me whatever you like...
Becky: (giggling) Did you enjoy the atmosphere out there tonight?
Jon: (Starts putting on very showy-offy manly-man head of the gang attitude) Well, I always enjoy it, it's a complete buzz, and the audience tonight were fabulous. Shows like these are always a lift, and such a turn on, you know?

(Becky blushes furiously)

KRB: (To Richie) Is he always such an @r$3hole?
Richie: Nope, no, he's reaching new highs tonight, apparently. He goes through phases.

(Jon shoots Richie an Acid glare)

KRB: Will this end soon?
Richie: Nope.
KRB: Oh my God...
Tico: (to KRB) Hombre, you jealous??!?!
KRB: NO I AM NOT! *sulks*
Richie: (whispered to Tico) Jealous...
Tico: Amen to that!

(Sambo-Chris decides it's her turn to ask a question)
Sambo-Chris: So Richie, how do you like touring with Bon Jovi as opposed to on your own? Because you obviously have less control here, and Jn obviously lords it over all of you, and you never get to do anything important.
Richie: Wow. What can I say to that?!
Sambo-Chris: You can stop being rude and answer my question without reverting to evasionary tactics of answering with another irrelevant question!
Richie: But it was relev...

(Sambo Chris gives him the look of death)

Richie: On my own. Definately on my own. (looks scared)
Sambo-Chris: Thought so. Pay up, Goose!

(Goose hands her the fiver that he bet on Richie preferring to tour with Bon Jovi. Chris goes off to fetch a drink)

Richie: That is one scary woman!
Mongoose: Very true. But isn't her @r$£ cute when she walks?
Richie: You like women?!?!
Mongoose: Erm...yeah, why'd you ask?
Richie: Oh nothing, you just give off a kind of gay vibe.
Mongoose: Oh.
Richie: Not that I'm good at spotting stuff like that or anything, because, you know, I don't have much experience with, um, gaiety...
Mongoose: No, no, no, me neither...

(awkward Pause)

Hellmanfrommars: So! This is a question for all of you! Do you find that you:
a) never fight on tour
b) Occasionally have to settle a minor dispute on tour
c) have petty arguments on tour
d) Argue and disagree frequently on tour
e) Fight like Dogs, reguardless of whether you're on tour or not.

Jon: (wasn't paying attention, was talking to Becky) Ummm...F?
Richie: How stupid can you get?!? They only went up to E!
Jon: Well sorr-ee Mr "I'm a genius" Sambora!
Richie: (Pokes his tongue out at Jon)
Jon: (Pulls a face at Richie)

(they carry on like this for a considerable ammount of time, until Sambo-Chris comes back with her drink, and looks furious)

Sambo-Chris: What the HELL do you think you are doing, Richie?!?
Richie: (immediately stops) Sorry, Chris.
Sambo-Chris: (sits back down) That's far more like it. (smiles) Now, where were we?
Tico: I believer Senior Hellman had just taken a poll. To which my answer is A. I NEVER fight, but they fight all the time!
Hellmanfrommars: Jon, I think we may just have found your F) option!
Jon: (sticks tongue out at Richie, but stops when he gets a death-glare from Sambo-Chris)
Dave: Can I ask a question?
Richie, well duh, Goldielocks, you just did!
Dave: Who's Goldi...
Hugh: For the love of God, don't let him start that again!
Jon: Yes Dave, you may ask a question.

(tico shoots a questioning look at Jon, who merely shrugs, and goes back to talking to Becky.)

Dave: Walrus?
Walrus: (back to the Fonzi persona) Yo!
Dave: Do you need anyone to show you around the city? You know, just the sites, pubs, clubs...
Walrus: Yeah! That would be...
Dave:...hotels...
Walrus: Er, no, no thanks Dave. I'm just fine... So! Richie, how's Heather?
Richie: Hmm? Oh, she's fine! She's at home looking after Ava. Nothing to do at the moment.

(Jon stands up and proclaims rather loudly)

Jon: I'm just off to the Bathroom! Then I have some, er...stuff to do, so I might be a while... (runs out of the room with a big grin on his face)

(Peter is just sat there quietly, being polite and observing everyone chat to the band, happy that he has brought about such a wonderful, serene gathering of people.)

Peter: Now isn't this nice?

(He spoke too soon...)

Walrus: So, Hugh, you're a bit quiet tonight!
Hugh: Well, between you and me, I have a bad feeling. I can sense something's up!

(Suddenly, Becky jumps up and declares to all present)

Becky: Excuse me, but I have to go powder my nose! I'll be back in...half an hour or so... (she giggles and runs out of the room)
KRB: Where's she going NOW?!
Tico: Hombre, it does not do to be so possesive of a lady!
KRB: I AM NOT BEING POSSESIVE! I JUST...I...well, I... *he looks like a puppy dog who has gotten lost and is about to cry)
Tico: (puts his arm around his shoulder) She'll come crawling back, Amigo. They always do.

(Peter begins to sense that the atmosphere is getting tense. Something is amiss)

Sambo-Chris: Richie, can you get me another cup of coffee?
Richie: But you're like three steps from the machi...

(She gives him another sonic death glare)

Richie: Yes Ma'am!

(Obediently goes over to the coffee machine, which doesn't work. He kicks it.)

Coffee-Machine: Ouch.
Richie: What the F**K?!?!? (kicks it again)
Coffee-Machine: OWWWW!

(Richie throws the coffee-machine to the floor, causing an almighty crash. Behind it hides the mysterious figure that snuck in behind the Dry County bunch.)

Richie: No, it can't be...
Dave: Woah!
Tico: Holy Mother of Cuba!
Sambo-Chris: No!
Hellman: is this situation:
A) deeply shocking
B) Deeply unexpected
C) Deeply suprising
D) All of the above?!?!
The Walrus: No WAAAAAAAAAAAY!
KRB: What the hell?!
Mongoose: It'S HIM! IT'S HIM!

Peter: ALEC?!?!?!?!

Alec: Yes, yes, it's me! You thought I'd never come back; you thought you were safe! But I have come to seek my VENGENCE!



(He dives onto Hugh, and produces a Bass guitar string from his pocket, and proceeds to try and strangle hugh with it. Tico, Dave and Richie are all mesmerised; they can't believe what's happening, but Peter takes charge)

Peter: DRY COUNTY PLATOON! TO ARMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(they all dive in and try to pry Alec off Hugh, except for Mongoose, who tries to help Alec)

(Becky and Jon burst through the door. Becky's blouse is on backwards and her hair is al messed up. Jon isn't wearing his shoes and he has lipstick smeared all over his face)

Jon: Guys, do you MIND?!?! Keep the noise down! (he spots the ruckus) Hey, what the f**k?!?!


(Peter stands up in the middle of the massive battle, and shouts to Becky)

Peter: BECKY! THE DEVIL HAS RETURNED!!!
Becky: Not...Alec?!?!?!
Peter: THE VERY SAME!
Becky: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR! (she jumps into the frey, and pulls Alec off Hugh, and ties him up with the guitar string)

KRB: Becky! I never knew you had it in you!!!
Becky: KRB, was that a compliment?!?!?!
KRB: NO! *sulks again*

(Everyone pats Becky on the back, and they all wait standing guard over Alec until the police arrive and take him away.)

Jon: Wow guys, you saved Hugh!
Hugh: That was just huge, peeps! Thank you all! Without you, I might not have been here! Well, except you (he looks at Goose)

Mongoose: Hey! I had to make it challenging for you!

(They all say their goodbyes, and Bon Jovi fly on to the next gig. The Drycounty platoon return to their boards, where they check the "The Osbournes Vs. The Bongiovis" Thread to see if there are any updates...)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Short but sweet Valentines special
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon and Richie are out Shopping at mall for
Heather and Dorothea. They are struggling over
what to get them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Richie: (flicking through a shelf of books) nope, nope, nope, nope, heeeeeeeey! Jon, I think I found one!

(Jon comes over to see what Richie has found. It's a leather bound copy of the Karma Sutra.)

Jon: I'm thinking...no?
Richie: Why not?
Jon: Look on page 78.

(Richie flicks to that page and his eyes grow wide)

Richie: Is that even POSSIBLE?
Jon: Remember last year, when I threw my back out gardening?
Richie: Yeah! And we all thought it was funny because you never do any gardeni...oh. (realisation dawns on him) Painful huh?
Jon: You're damn right. Never been the same spine since.

(Richie puts the book back, and they leave the bookshop. They walk across to a florist and go inside)


Jon: What is the obsession women have with getting flowers?
Richie: I think it's a test...
Jon: A Test?
Richie: Yeah. to see if the man loves the woman enough to spend ridiculous ammounts of money on some useles weeds that will be dead and rotting in a week to prove that he loves her.
Jon: Really? I thought it was just the smell...
Richie: The whole think is a conspiracy against us, dude. Never trust something which bleeds for a week and doesn't die. Come on, let's get out of here!

(They proceed across to a Jewellers. Jon looks in the window.)

Jon: Do they sell anythign that isn't in a six figure price range?
Richie: Apparently not!

(they walk away immediately, and spy a chocolate shop)

Richie: JACKPOT!
Jon: YESSSSSSSS! They LOVE chocolate!
Richie: You can't go wrong with a box of Belgian Seashells!
Jon: Or some Swiss truffles!

(they both dash in and buy some elabourately wrapped boxes of choccies, and make their way home to hide them. As they sneak through the hall, they hear Heather and Dorothea in the kitchen chatting. They decide to listen for a bit)

Dot: ...I know EXACTLY what you mean! It's so annoying when he does that!

(they both look worried)

Heather: Yeah, and when they do the pathetic male "forgetting" Valentines day
Dot: I HATE that!

(they both look very smug for being so organised)

Heather: But you know what's worse?
Dot: The chocolates thing?
Heather: Exactly! Couldn't be arsed to make an effort, so they go buy chocolates!
Dot: Unbelievable!
Heather: But Rich and Jon aren't that bad...are they?
Dot: Not even they're THAT bad!

(they both Laugh. Richie and Jon drop the chocolates and run back to the car)

Richie: What was the name of the jewellers again?!?!

------------------
finis
--------------------


Jon's Birthday Special!

Here it is guys- a long time coming again, but my life is one big ball of exam-induced stress, and as much as I love writing the Bongiovis, I can't always find the time. I do make an effort though! And if I were posting three a day, you'd all get bored pretty quickly, wouldn't you?

This episode contains the long-awaited return of Sullmonkey, aka Charles, Stephanie's current boyfriend, and as so many of you requested, Band member nudity. But it's all in good taste and humour! I'm not saying which band member, so as not to ruin the suprise, or put off anyone who's not too keen on that particular band member!


Anyway- here goes!


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon's house is a mass of activity. There are caterers rushing about everywhere downstairs, and various security staff checking and double checking the house. People are running around in mad frenzy at Mrs B's command, preparing for her son's birthday bash, which has been secretly organised by Dot and Mrs B. Jon (who thinks he is just being taken out for a meal) is upstairs in the bathroom getting ready. He's just come out of the shower and has a towel wrapped around his middle and is in the process of shaving, when he hears a sudden, loud knock at the bathroom door, causing him to cut himself.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jon: *cuts himself with razor* Dammit! *puts razor down and holds his hand to the cut* What?!?

(Mrs B's voice from outside the bathroom)

Mrs B: Young MAN, what are you DOING in there?!
Jon: I was shaving, but now I'm trying to stop the bloodflow to my chin. Why?
Mrs B: My Granddaughter is waiting to use the bathroom! And your pointless faffing about and making her wait is getting on my nerves!
Jon: Mooooooooooooooom! I am getting ready for MY BIRTHDAY DINNER! SHe's not even COMING! And she has an en suite bathroom!

(Mrs B and Stephanie can be heard talking outside)

Mrs B: She says it's too small. Which you will rectify asap, yes?
Jon: Ok, but in the mean time...
Mrs B: You will get OUT of the bathroom and let your daughter in! She's going out!
Jon: She's going to a friends house! Why does she need to get ready?

(Mrs B and Stephanie talk again)

Mrs B: (in a different tone) She's changed her plans.

(Jon stops trying to stop the blood and stands bolt upright.)

Jon: To what?
Mrs B: Pardon? I didn't here you, darling, I just said she'd changed her plans...
Jon: (flinging the door of the bathroom open) To WHAT, mother?
Mrs b; None of your business!
Jon: She is my DAUGHTER! Of COURSE it is my business!
Mrs B: I was never so controlling of you and your brothers! When you wer...
Jon: YES YOU WERE! You gave us the Spanish inquisition every time we went to leave the house!
Mrs B: I did no...
Jon: YOU WOULDN'T LET ME OR MATT GO TO SOCCER PRACTISE UNTIL WE WERE 17!!!!!!!!!!
Mrs B: YOU UNGRAEFUL LITTLE BOY! (slaps him) How DARE you! Stephanie is going out, and that is FINAL! (she storms off in a huff)
Steph: Can I go in the bathroom now?
Jon: (startled and annoyed that his mother started his face bleeding again) Yeah, I'm done anyway. But where are you going toni...

(Stephanie runs into the bathroom, and slams and locks the door behind her. Jon sighs, and walks down the hall to his bedroom, and opens the door. Dorothea is sat at her dressing table, drying her hair.)

Dot: Hey Birthday Boy!
Jon: Hey sweetie. Thankyou for my present, by the way, i haven't really seen you to say thanks. Where have you been all today?
Dot: Oh...er, you know, the usual...
Jon: Oh. So where exactly?
Dot: Erm...at the Dojo?
Jon: It was shut today.
Dot: Oh, yeah! That was yesterday! Silly me! I was...erm...at the doctors! yeah, that's where I was...
Jon: Oh? You didn't tell me there was anything wrong?
Dot: No, there isn't! Just a check up!
JOn: But You went for a check up last month...
Dot: (getting irratable)Oh, well, it was...a different check up.
Jon: What kind of....
Dot: *She decides to play her trump card to shut him up* JON! Will you LEAVE IT! For God's sake, women troubles!
Jon: Oh. Right.

(awkward pause)

Dot: I want to get changed.
Jon: Ok.

(pause)

Jon: What?
Dot: Well, aren't you gonna go?
Jon: No.
Dot: Why not?
Jon: You're my wife.
Dot: So that means I have no right to privacy in my own home?
Jon: No! No wait, yes, but that's not what I meant, I meant that you don't...
Dot: Jon?
Jon: Yes?
Dot: Get out.
Jon: Ok sweetie

(obediently leaves the room, still wearing only a towel around his waist. Goes down to the kitchen. By now all the caterers have finished, and Mrs B has given her seal of approval to everything, and locked the door of the room in which the party is going to be held. On his way to the kitchen, Jon trips and falls into a camouflage net which has been layed out on the stairs.)

Jon: JESSE!
Jesse: YES! (speaking into his walkie talkie) Blue whale? Blue whale, do you copy? This is Rubber Duck! We have caught the rabbit! I repeat, we have caught the rabbit! (Jesse shoots at Jon with a BB gun a few times, then runs off to answer the call of his grandmother. Jon is left to wriggle out of the net. After ten minutes, he gets himself free.)

Jon: Damn little brats!

(He continues down to the kitchen, where he finds Skullmonkey drinking a glass of milk. When he sees Jon, he chokes on a mouthful)

Jon: YOU!
Skullmonkey: Sir, It's not what it looks like! I was just going to...
JOn: Leave?
Skullmonkey: Well, no, I was...
Jon: Going to leave?
Skullmonkey: Yes, yes I was...bye then!

(Skullmonkey makes a run for it, and Jon watches from the window, and sees him get into a car not far up the drive and wait)

Jon: The little shyster thinks I was born yesterday! Well we shall see about THAT!

(Jon marches out to the car to yell at Charles some more. Meanwhile, Mrs B is ushering all his friends and family in through the back of the house, and Dot moves them all into the hall. Stephanie told Dot that the last she heard from Jon, he was ready, and Jesse told her he saw him go outside, so se gets everyone ready to yell suprise when he comes in. Stephanie makes her way through the crowd, and kisses her mother on the cheek)

Stephanie: I'm going to the cinema with Charles, Ok?
Dot: Ok sweetie, have a good time! And iff you see your father, tell him to get in here!

Stephanie: Ok!

(she wanders out of the house with her compact makeup set out, applying mascara and staring intently into the mirror, paying no attention to anything else)

Jon: (lecturing Skullmonkey)...and THAT, sunshine, is why you will NEVER touch my daughter! Kapeesh?
Skullmonkey: Erm...oh, hi babe!

(Stephanie gets into the car paying not attention to anything other than her mascara, and gives Skullmonkey a quick peck on the cheek, not taking her eyes off the mirror, and not bothering to shut the door of the car)

Stephanie: Dad, Mum says she'll rn away with Tom Cruise if you're not in the house in 10 seconds.
Jon: Excuse me madam, but where do you think you're going? AND WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL MY DAUGHTER???

(Skullmonkey looks nervous, but then Steph slams the compact shut, and smiles)

Steph: Let's go!
Jon: STEPHANIE ROSE! I Have not fini...
Steph: *glaring hard* Get a LIFE you sad pop-metal relic!

(She slams the door of the car, and they drive off...taking Jon's towel with them, caught in the door)

Jon: (*^&"%%^"(&*^%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(He runs back into the house, and shuts the front door behind him as fast as he can, and turns around.)

All Jon's Family, friends and colleagues: SUPRISE!!!!


---------------
finis
--------------
__________________
The wanderer returns...
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Old 07-01-2003, 08:21 PM
Sambora_Laura Sambora_Laura is offline
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PART 2



DESPITE my, er, Granddaughter's need to revise for her GCSEs, here is the promised episode, to fill the gap while we wait for The "I'm to busy wasting money on films I don't watch" Walrus to get his arse into his swivelchair and write an episode!

There are MANY cameos by other celebrities in this one, a few by old flames of band members, so let me know if you particularly like any of them being in the Bongiovis, and I'll make a mental note to include them in the future. Check the list at the below to see who the celebrities mentioned are if you're unfamiliar with them- they'll be listed in alphabetical order according to their FIRST name)

Anthony Keidis- Lead Singer of the Red Hot Chili Peppers
Becks: David Beckham, footballer, husband of Victoria/Posh
Cher: Plastic Singer, famous diva, Richie's ex
Christina Aguilera: Young Pop sensation
David Furnish: Boyfriend of Elton John, Fashion designer and journalist
Diane Lane: Jon's Ex-girlfriend, Oscar nominated actress
Elton John: Fairy King of Showbusiness, Godfather of Piano pop
Liam Gallagher: Half of band Oasis, extremely agressive, brother of Noel
Madonna: Cult Icon Entertainer
Noel Gallagher: Half of band Oasis, extremely agressive, brother of Liam
Posh: Victoria Beckham, ex-Spice girl, Wife of David
Russell Crowe: Oscar Winning Actor, Bad ass Aussie/Kiwi
--------------------------------------------
Dave, Hugh, Jon, Richie and Tico are all at a posh celebrity party, organised and hosted by Elton John and David furnish, in aid of nothing in particular, except Elton and David's complulsive party-hosting addiction. Unfortunately, their spouses/partners/children cannot join them, and you know what they say! While the cat's away...


(To avoid any confusion, David Bryan is referred to as plain ol' Dave, David Beckham is referred to as Becks and David Furnish is referred to as David F. Also, I have no idea who Bon Jovi have/have not met in their time, so if any of the people here are their best friends/worst enemies/ex girlfriends etc, etc, or I have interpretted a relationship incorrectly, I apologise. But hey, THIS IS FICTION!)

(Jon, Hugh, Dave, Tico and Richie all walk down the red carpet in customary shades and fixed smiles, waving politely at the assembled paparazzi. They move quickly into the grand foyer, decorated heavily with flowers, and greet Elton and David F.)

Elton: Jon! Richie! Tico! Dave! Huey! How FABULOUS to see you all! It is soooooooooo wonderful to see you all!
David F.: Yes, AbsoLOOTley! We MUST see eachother more often! (He winks at Richie, who takes an instinctive step forward to lamp David F, but Jon Grabs his arm just in time)
Jon Dragging Richie away while the others follow) Bar, just keep your eyes on the bar! Drinks on Elton and David F. all night! Calm down!

(they all make their way over to the bar, and get the drinks in. The party starts to get going, and after a couple of hours there are people at the buffet table, on the dancefloor and milling around the bar, all having a seemingly good time. Hugh makes his way over to the buffet table, and helps himself to a plate, and being a red blooded east coast guy, the plate is predominantly full of red meat. He spots something he's not really sure about, and decides to ask someone what it is)

Hugh: Er, Excuse me?
Anthony Keidis: Yes, sweet human? May I help you on your quest for enlightenment?
Hugh: Um, maybe...
Anthony Keidis: Then what is it you wish me to tell you? The meaning of life? The secrets of youth? The eternal...
Hugh: ACtually, I was just wondering what this mayo-looking stuff was...
Anthony Keidis: Oh.
Hugh: Do you know?
Anthony Keidis: Not a bloody clue. Sorry mate.
Hugh: Ok, thanks anyway

(Hugh walks off with his plate, having decided not to take any of the mystery stuff. Jon is still at the bar, on his second Muff Dive of the evening, when someone sits down next to him, in Richie's seat, which he was instructed to keep while Richie went to the bathroom...)

Jon: (without looking up, assuming it's Richie) That was quick!
Diane Lane: That's what I used to say to you, isn't it? *glares playfully*
Jon: (eyes wide) Oh my God! (he stares for a while, but finally gets a hold of himself) Er, Hi! How're you?!
Diane Lane: I'm, fine, just fine! And by the way, I'll have a WKD, please. Yourself?
Jon: I er, wel...I'm just fine too! (laughs nervously) Is it a good idea for me to be seen buying you a drink?
Diane Lane: I can think of worse things you could be seen doing for me, Jonny boy! Now what about that drink, hmmm? (playfully twists his hair with her fingers) So how's everything?
Jon: (passing her her WKD, and speaking in a rather uneasy voice) Good...er, I'm Married, and I have three kids...and I'm er, well, married, so that's, ummm, nice...
Diane Lane: Never known you be lost for words, Jonnyboy! All bark and no...*bite*... as they say! And I know you're married! That's what makes it fun!
JOn: Makes what fun?
Diane Lane: Nothing!

(sips her drink, looking amused. Jon looks confused and afraid. Hugh spots his boss in trouble, and makes a beeline for him, complete with plate piled high with food)

Hugh: Boss! The Buffet is absolutely fab! You been over there yet?
Diane Lane: Boss? I certainly remember NOTHING to warrant calling you boss! (she cackles)
Hugh: Oh hello! You're that famous actress aren't you!
Diane Lane: (Having her large ego inflated) Why yes, yes I am! Hugh MacDonald, isn't it?
Hugh: That's the one! And you're...wait, I'll get it...Liz Hurley, Right?!?

(Diane looks horrified, and Jon spits his mouthful of drink out laughing)

Diane Lane: Er, no...no, that's not me...
Hugh: Oh I'm sorry! I meant Catherine Denueve! That's you isn't it?
Diane Lane: DO you think you're funny?
Jon: Hugh...
Hugh: No, no, I don't! *Sees the slightly maniacal look in her eyes* Diane Payne!
Diane Lane: PARDON! (gets up and picks him up by the collar)
Hugh: Eeek! Jane? Kane? Orane? Train?

(Jon sees this as an opportunity to get away from her, and runs off, but bumps into someone on the way, spilling his drink all down them, as they spill a pint all down him)

Jon: Oh My God, I am So sorry! Here, let me get that! (he grabs a napkin off a nearby table and starts mopping up a rather smart dinner suit)
Russell Crowe: Jesus CHRIST! Will you WATCH where the F*&% you're GOING MATE! My God! You Bloody AMericans! All the same!!!
Jon: I'm really sorry! I was getting away from an old flame who was causing trouble! And you weren't exactly watching where you were running!
Russell Crowe: An old flame? No ****! That's exactly where I was going! Meg Ryan, making a scene!
Jon: Ah! Bad luck.
Russell Crowe: You're telling me! No offense about the Americans thing, it's not personal!
Jon: No Problems! But, one thing, Man to man.
Russell Crowe: Yeah, what mate?
Jon: Shall we keep this quiet? I mean, neither of us need to be splashed in the papers in connection with either the wicked witches of the east or west, right?
Russell Crowe: Oh absolutely mate, Mum's the word!

(They smile and shake hands, and walk off. Jon runs off into the crowd, desperate to get out of Diane's range. He carries on walking, and finally spots Tico, surrounded by a crowd of young girls, who are all batting their eyelids like there's no tomorrow. He manages to battle his way out through the crowd, and finally gets to Tico)
Tico: And after that, the senorita was so exhausted, she slept until 2pm the next day!
(all the girls Laugh, Jon Rolls his eyes)
Jon, Teek, we're gonna have to make a move, I think.
Tico: How come, hombre?
Jon: Ghost of girlfriend past haunting me- could make for seriously bad press
Tico: No way! Who?
Jon: Taking a trip down memory "Lane"...
Tico: DIANE?!?! Woah! Couldn't have been worse!
Jon: Tell me about it! We have to get out of here before she gets me into any trouble. I'm gonna go and round up the others, and then we'll go, ok?
Tico: No problem, Amigo. Just say the word!


( Jon runs off into the crowd. By now Richie has come out of the loo, and seeing Diane sat in his place making a bit of a scene with Hugh, he decides best not to go and ask if he can have his seat back. He makes his way across to the buffet table, and starts piling his plate high. SOmeone taps him on the shoulder, making him choke slightly on a spare rib.)

Cher: Long time no see
Richie: NOOOOOOOoooooOOOOOOooOOOOOooOOOooOoOOOOOoooooooo!! !!!!!!!
(He makes a dive over the buffet table, sending his plate flying all over the place. She calls after him, but he daren't look back. He meets Dave on the other side, who is chatting with Posh and Becks)
Richie: Goldielocks! Thank God!
Dave: Oh Hi Richie! Great timing! This is David and Victoria- they're so lovely!
Posh: Thanks every so much Dave! You're a charmer yourself! (giggles childishly)
Becks: (holds his hand out to shake Richie's, who just looks bewildered and scared) Hiya! Richie, is it? Pleased to meet you!
Richie: Oh, yeah. Hi. Erm, I'm sorry but this is really bad timing for me!
Becks: Ah, that's ok! thought there might be something wrong when you lunged out from behind the venitian lillies there
Posh: DAVID! Don't be so stupid!
Becks: Sorry.
Posh: Those are INDIAN lillies! (she pouts)
Dave: (to Richie) Aren't they GREAT!
Richie: Goldielocks! You HAVE to help me out!
Dave: (munching a cocktail sausage) How come?
Richie: (Speaking in a desperate whisper) She's here! (looking around nervously, as if expecting the Gestapo to come take him away at any moment) She's here, man!
Dave: Who?!
Richie: SHHHH! Keep your voice down!
Dave: Oh, Ok. (in a stupidly exaggerated whisper) WHO?!?
Richie: Who?!?! WHO?!?! The scariest woman that every walked the earth, that's who!!!
Dave: SHARON OSBOURNE?!?!
Richie: (slaps Dave) CHER, YOU TWIT!
Dave: oh, her! What's the problem, then?! She's lovely!!
Richie: She's my ex, Dave! SHe'd kill me as soon as look at me!

(at this point Tico walks past, chit-chatting with Christina Aguilera and Madonna, who are both hanging on his arms, batting eyelids and flirting like champions)
MAdonna: So When was it you realised you had superpowers?
Christina Aguilera: And how did you become the Richest man in the world?
Tico: Well, it's all a matter of...
Richie: Tico! HELP ME! SHE'S HERE!
Tico: Amigo, can you not see I AM BUSY HERE (jerks head at the two lovelies on his arms) Jon is sorting it!
Richie: what?!?!
Tico: Jon knows Diane is here!
Richie: NO! CHER!
Tico: Cher?!? CHER?!?! HOLY MARY MOTHER OF CUBA! (To Madonna and Christina Aguilera) I am sorry ladies, i have to leave you now, but we will chat soon! (he kisses them both on the cheek, and they walk off looking disappointed.)
Richie: We have to leave!
Tico: Amigo, I know! You, lie low and keep quiet- Dave and I will fetch Hugh and Jon, you meet us at the door in ten minutes, Kapeesh?
Richie: Kapeesh!

(by this time, Diane has been makingmoves on Hugh all night, but he finally manages to get away, and gets to Tico and Dave)
Hugh: Good GOD! The woman is determined!
Tico: Amigo, we have to find Jon, before she does, and leave! And Richie is in Danger too!
Hugh: How come?
Dave: Plastic Fantastic is here as well!
Hugh: Cher?! No Way!

(they nod vigourously, and begin their search for Jon. They see him by the door, desperately fighting off Diane's advances)
Jon: Diane, Please! I have to Go!
Diane Lane: Nonsense! Come 'ere!

(she lunges at him, and his watch gets caught on her dress strap, but he doesn't notice. While this happens, Richie gets to the door, having made his way to the door without seeing Cher again he bumps into someone he need not have)

Liam Gallagher: Oi.
Noel Gallagher: Mister ^&%(&*^$ bigshot.
Richie: Oh...hey! I'm a big fan!
Liam: &%&^ you are!
Noel: You and your ()&£"*( guitar!
Liam: You called us ^&$*ing spoilt, you little ^&%*&!
Richie: (Looking annoyed, and only slightly nervous) Hey, guys! This is neither the time nor the place! And people have said far worse about you! Did you not read the rest of what I said?!?
Liam: No. Like we'd read any (&%%$ that came from your mouth.
Noel: Yeah, what he %$&^ing said.
Richie: Well, I'm sorry guys, but I was extremely complimentary about you, and the spoilt thing was a quote taken out of context! I ain't looking for a fight.
Liam: Well we are!

(Noel throws the first punch, and it all goes down hill from there. Considering it's two on one, Richie puts up an excellent fight.But it all gets a bit too much, and Richie falls backwards, knocking Jon into the fray as well. Jon falls to the floor, taking Diane with him. She lands on top of him in a heap, dress ripped and giggling on the Red Carpet, while Richie, Noel and Liam continue their scrap. Everyone comes out of the party, anxious to see what's going on. Tico, Hugh and Dave can't get through the crowd to help their bandmates, but Cher manages to make it through, having spent many a year getting Richie out of fights. She just about manages to pull the fight apart, but falls down into a heap on top of Richie as one of her ridiculously high heels snap. Frantic photographers snap the fight and the fumble, and the photos were in the paper by the next morning. I wonder what Heather and Dorothea are thinking?!?!)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




OK!
That's all!

But I am in the process of writing one with Skullmonkey et al, and I think it's going to be a long one!
Looking good though!


Love
Laura


P.S. Here is my equivelant to a Bonus track on a CD- as far as I got with the Harry Potter story, until it stopped being funny. This is sort of like what "I could make a living out of loving you" was to Crush- just a Bonus, not really all that good, but worth a little peep!

The Bongiovis- Harry Potter Special

--------------------------------------------------------------
Jon is sat having his dinner in the kitchen, it's about 9pm, and Dorothea (ducky) comes in looking terribly ill
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dot: *sniff* Jon, I need you to do me a favour. *cough*
Jon: Are you ok, Honey?
Dot: *sniff* I'm fine, just a cold, but I need you to go and get something for me
Jon: Sure. Cough medicine?
Dot: No, Harry Potter.
Jon: What? In person?
Dot: *rolls eyes* I promised Jake that I'd get the book for him on the day it came out- they'll be starting to queue by now, and I'm too ill to go in and get it for him, so could you...please?*sniff*
Jon: Oh come on, it's a book! I don't want to be out until midnight to buy a book I can just as easily get for him tomorrow!
Dot: Come on! One measly night! And it's not like you haven't stayed up until midnight for equally useless stuff!
Jon: Name ONE TIME I stayed up doing useless stuff.
Dot: Midnight in Chelsea. *sniff*
Jon: That was a good song!
Dot: Yeah...and I'm a turtle. *cough* It was passable till you had those bimbos put the sha-la-la bits in.
Jon: *gritting his teeth* The backing vocals WERE NOT MY IDEA! And I'm not getting the stupid book.
Dot: Fine.
Jon: Why does it sound like you're saying "No sex until you buy the damn book" when you say "Fine"?
Dot: Practice.
Jon: Ok, I'll go buy the damn book.

*He finishes his meal, clears up, and goes and gets in the car. Dot stands by the door, waving him off.*

Dot: Thanks Honey! And don't come back without the book!
Jon: *mumbles something about stupid english wizards* Ok!

*He drives off, and it takes him an hour to get through the traffic and into the city, where he finds a bookshop that has a queue going right the way around the corner*

Jon: Damn...maybe I should read it too...

*A kid turns around to him and looks up at him*
Kid: You never read Harry Potter?
Jon: No, no I never have.
Kid: *pulls on his mother's shirt* Mommy, that man can't read!
Kid's Mum: *gasps* A public figure like you, and you can't read?
Jon: *shocked* Np, I never said...
Kid's mum: Are you calling my Joshy a LIAR?
Jon: NO! I just...I...I can read...
Kid's mum: You're all the same, rock stars, just can't be bothered with a decent education, can you? Come on, Joshy!
*Joshy pokes his tongue out as he and his mother move away from him. Jn sighs, and looks at his watch. 10pm. 2 hours to go.*
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Old 07-01-2003, 10:38 PM
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MoosieFate MoosieFate is offline
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Thanks, Laura!
they're still hilarious!
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Old 07-01-2003, 10:46 PM
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I'm glad you still like em, Moosie!
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Old 07-02-2003, 04:26 AM
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I'll put mine in here too...hope that's OK, Laura Will work on Outlaw Part 2 this weekend....
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*

The scene opens with Jon sneaking into a tattoo parlor three towns away. He is going to inquire about getting his famous Superman tattoo changed into a big red heart with a "Mother" banner wrapped around it with the hopes it will make Mrs. B respect him more.

Inside the parlor, which is basically just a hole in the wall, smells like a mix of sweat and Marijuana. The air is thick with smoke and grafitti art covers the walls. Jon is greeted by a skinny, purple-haired young woman wearing black mascara and black lipstick and more piercings than Skullmonkey. The nametag pinned to her black dress says "Thorn".

Thorn: Help ya dude?
Jon: Um...yes... *he looks down, not sure how to phrase his request*
Thorn: Not sure what you want, huh? *grabs a tattoo design album and starts flipping through it, showing Jon various pics of tattoos* Lets see...the barbed wire and chain bracelets and collars are popular, the skulls, dragons, and bloody daggers are also big.
Jon: *to himself* I might look good with a barbed wire... make me look tough. The ladies might like that
Thorn: *studying Jon* Actually, dude, you seem the unicorn type. Maybe a nice pink bunny...
Jon: NO PINK BUNNIES!! NO PINK ANYTHING!!!! I'm more of a man than that.
Thorn: FINE, dude...just calm down. Don't make me call Lars to throw your a** outta here.
Jon: Lars?
Thorn: The owner. Big dude, about 6 foot 4, 300 pounds... Broke some dude's arm just yesterday.
Jon: *looking down* Sorry Ma'am. I didn't mean to shout
Thorn: Ok...so you, like, don't want pink bunnies or unicorns. What DO you want?
Jon: I want you to change my Superman *shows her his arm* into a big red heart that says "Mother"....

The tattoo order placed, Thorn leads Jon down a long, smoky hallway. She opens a door on the end and tells Jon to wait in the chair while Snake, the artist who is to fix Jon's tattoo, finishes up with a client. Jon waits patiently. he can hear mumbled voices coming from the next room, Snake and his female client. Suddenly the young woman screams in pain and anger... and a loud argument starts.

Young woman: YOU A**!! That f***ing HURT!!
Snake: I told you it would hurt like a b*tch to have THAT tattooed, but did you listen?
Young woman: You said it would HURT. This f***ing feels like you're trying to cut it off!!
Snake: You're a chick. You don't f***ing HAVE anything there to cut off.
Young woman: You're f***ing sick.
Snake: Are ya gonna let me do this or not?
Young woman: Fine!

Suddenly Jon realizes the young woman's voice sounds familiar. But it can't be.... Yet his curiosity gets the better of him and he goes to investigate anyway..... Jon opens the door and finds a large, greasy-looking man with a tattoo needle poised over the left ankle the young woman he heard screaming. A thick bracelet of intricately-drawn and exceptionally thorny rose vines is wrapped around the young woman's ankle. Her face is hidden by hair, but then she looks up see who burst into the door....and Jon's worst fears are realized.

Jon faints cold on the floor. When he comes to a few minutes later, Snake and the young woman are standing over him.

Jon: STEPHANIE!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE??
Stephanie: ME?? What the f*** are YOU doing? Following me?
Jon: Oh my god! But you...when you left this morning you told me you were going to church... and I thought...
Stephanie: *rolls eyes* Don't f***ing blame me. You're the one who let me have the car keys.
Jon: BUT YOU'RE NOT 18 YET!! You CAN'T get a tattoo...or pierced...or anything without parental permission
Snake: Chill, Gramps, she IS 18. Her ID said she is *he picks up the ID Stephanie gave him and looks at it...then shows Jon*. Yep...right here. 18.
Jon: *grabs the ID from Snake and examines it. Then glares at Stephanie* OH MY GOD! This is a fake ID. Where did you get this?
Snake: Easy. Some dude sells 'em out of the back. Real professional job. I can hook ya up if ya wanna try 'n pass for 30...
Jon: YOU stay out of this. *Jon reaches down and grabs Stephanie's ankle, forcing her to sit down in the chair* This...this....this is HUGE! What have you done to yourself??
Stephanie: *rolls eyes* What's it look like? I got inked. It's not like you didn't do it when you were my age.
Jon: I was in my 20s!! You're...you're still my little baby girl!!
Stephanie: Oh my GOD, dad. Shut up! It's not like I'm still 5.
Jon: But....but that's permanent
Stephanie: DUH!!

The whole idea of Stephanie's tattoo still too much for him, Jon faints again. When he wakes up, he finds himself outside the door of the tattoo parlor with Mrs. B standing over him, glaring.

Mrs B: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE HERE FOR ANOTHER TATTOO!! I THOUGHT YOU WERE FINALLY OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW BETTER!!
Jon: Yes mom. I'm sorry
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*

For this one we're going to back in time to the pre-Jovi days.....to the days of Atlantic City Expressway....

It is the late 1970s. The scene opens to find a 16-year-old Jon (then John) and a 16-year-old David sitting on the front porch of John's parent's house, drinking soda and watching cars pass by. School has just let out for the summer and Atlantic City Expressway has scored a full calendar of gigs at graduation parties. The boys are trying to think of what to do to celebrate both occasions.

John: I'm bored!
*John finishes his soda and, trying to be cool, casually tosses the half-melted ice cubes into the lawn. Mrs B screams at him from inside the house*
Mrs B: YOUNG MAN! DON'T BE LITTERING ON MY LAWN!!
John: *rolls his eyes* Yes, Mom.
Mrs B: AND DON'T ROLL YOUR EYES AT ME!! I SAW THAT, YOU KNOW!!
*John gets off the porch, hunts for the cubes in the lawn, and drops them one by one back into his glass. David, not wanting to meet with a similar fate, gets a tighter grip on his glass*
John: So what do ya wanna do?
David: Donno. You?
John: Donno either.
David: This is boring
John: Yeah
David: Too bad we can't party to celebrate....
*John's eyes light up with the idea*
John: Yeah! We'll have a kick ass party!!
David: Dude, if you tried that your Mom would skin you alive. *laughs* You'd end up missing the day after and Matt and Anthony would be eating Johnny burgers for dinner every day the next five years.
*David thinks about what he just said*
David: Gross. Nasty.
John: But we don't have to have it here. We could....I KNOW!!
*John looks over his shoulder to make sure Mrs B is no longer within earshot*
John: My cousin Tony owns this recording studio I'm pretty sure is always deserted at night. It's HUGE! We could use that for the party.
David: Excellent!!
John: So I tell my mom I'm going over to your house to work on writing some songs and s*it and your tell your parents the same thing. It's foolproof! Then you call your friends and I call mine and tell them to invite everyone. We're set! It'll go down in history as the best party of the year!
David: WHOO-HOOO!

It's the night of the party. Tony had agreed to let the boys use his studio for the party as long as they promised to clean the place up afterward....and then everyday for the next month. Tony even agreed to get them "party supplies" (Beer, beer, and....more beer). Over 200 people have showed up from friends telling friends about the party, and it looks like John's goal to make this the party of the year just might happen..... Until things start to fall apart.

*David is guarding the beer with the help of Chuck, a neighborhood teen a few years older than he is*
David: Lots of hot chicks here.
Chuck: Yeah
David: Check out the redhead over there *yells to the redhead* HEY BABY!! LOOKING HOT!!!
Chuck: Who? Sheila? Not her! She's.....freaky.
David: I like 'em freaky
Chuck: Not freaky in the way she's freaky. I still have scars
David: But I like fre......OH! Ouch.
Chuck: Yeah. Stay away from her.
*too late, Sheila hears what David yelled to her and slinks over*
Sheila: Hi boys. You look like you could use some fun.
David: I'm having fun
Sheila: But you could always have more fun.
*Sheila tries to run her fingers through David's curls. That doesn't work, so she reaches around and grabs his butt instead*
Sheila: What do ya say, curly? *she licks his nose*
*David's eyes get very big*
Sheila: *looking down* Ooohhh, yeah! You wanna have more fun!!
Chuck: Lay off the kid, Sheila. You'll scare him off women permanently.
Sheila: Hi Chuckie.
Chuck: I got a package for ya, Baby.
Sheila: Ooooooohhhhhhhh. Really? Show me!
Chuck: Richt this way, Baby!
*Chuck hands David a can of beer and leads Sheila away*
David: Beer...COOL!

Meanwhile, John and his friend Rob, both already slightly drunk, are on a mission to find more drink cups. Convinced there are some in Tony's office, the two have picked the lock on the door and are unintentionally trashing the place as they search.
John: I know they're here somewhere....
Rob: Dude...you sure? Ain't nothing here but file cabinets full of paperwork and sh*t.
John: No. They're here! This is an office so there have to be cups here.
Rob: That makes no sense
John: Huh?
Rob: Nevermind.
John: Let's try the shelves over the desk
*The two boys stand on the desk and start digging through the shelves, tossing albums and immportant-looking legal paperwork to the floor. In their hunt, they accidently knock over a large cardboard box. The contents spills to the floor, and the two forget about the cups*
Rob: Videotapes
John: No. Better!! Tony's porn collection!
Rob: Porn? As in BOOBS?
John: Yeah...Boobs!
*The boys find a TV and VCR and start to go through the videotapes. They are soon glued to the screen, fasinated by all they see*
Rob: Boobs are cool
John: Yeah. Cool
Rob: Porn is cool
John: Yeah
Rob: Boobs
John: Boobs

Having already drank and enjoyed the beer Chuck gave him, David has had several more.....and he is now enjoying the party much, MUCH more.
David: WHOO-HOOOOO!!! *BURP!!*
Partygoer: Excellent!
David: Thank you!
Partygoer: Can you burp the alphabet?
David: I'll try. Hold on *takes another drink*.... ~A~....~B~....~C~......
*A large crowd of drunk partygoers gather around David as he demonstrates his abilities. Soon he is the center of attention....and he's loving it*
David: ~W~.....~X~.....~Y~.....~Z~
*Everyone applauds and David takes a bow. Then he suddenly takes notice of the radio, which has been blaring rock and roll all night*
David: HEY!! I KNOW THIS SONG!!
*David jumps on a nearby table and, shaking his hips like Elvis, starts to sing along with the radio, using an empty beer can as a microphone*
David: *singing* Shake it up baby now...twist and shout. YEAH! Shake it up baby now...work it on out! WHOO!!
*A crowd of half drunk and totally drunk women rush to the table and crowd around it, screaming excitedly. Encouraged, David strips off his T-shirt and throws it into the crowd, which attacks it like vultures*
Woman 1: It's MINE!
Woman 2: NO!! He threw it at ME!!
Woman 3: No he didn't! He threw it to ME!!
Woman 4: I want it!!
Woman 5: TAKE IT OFF!!!!
*David obliges and, still singing, not missing a beat, kicks his shoes into the crowd. The shoes are devoured in seconds*
Woman 1: MORE!!
Woman 2: THE PANTS!!!
*David unzips his jeans and tosses them to the screaming women. He is left standing on the table wearing nothing but his socks and his boxers, but he's too drunk to notice*
David: This next song is for ALL the ladies....
Women: *SCREAMS*

John, Rob, and most of the other males in the room are still watching porn. Suddenly there is a knock at the door, which is nearby. John gets up to answer it. Standing there are two cops, one male and one female.
John: F***!
Male officer: What's going on here?
John: Uh.....we're looking for cups
Rob: Yeah. And boobs
John: Boobs are cool

The cops push past John and enter the room where the party is being held. One look around tells them they're going to have their work cut out for them: John, Rob, and the other boys staring at the TV screen and cheering drunkedly everytime they see breasts (which is every 5 seconds)....David standing on the table in his boxers, clutching a beer can and surrounded by screaming drunk women.
Male officer (to David): Young man, is that a beer can?
David: *looks a bit lost at first, then looks at the can in his hand* Beer?
Male officer: Yes, son, beer.
David: Beer
Male officer: You're not old enough to be drinking that, are you?
David: *looking at the can* It's a beer can.
Male officer: Yes, son. We know that already
David: Want a beer?
Female officer: All right. You boys are going to have to come down to the station for a breath test
John: Did she say BREAST TEST?
Rob: Boobs are cool!
John: Yeah, cool!!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*

Going back to the original Bongiovis format, one takes place in present time.....

Our story opens with the Bongiovi family, with the exception of Jesse, is sitting around the dinner table. Still pouting about Stephanie's tattoo, Jon is not speaking to his daughter.....but is managing to get things done regardless.
Jon: (to Jacob) Will you tell your sister to pass the green beans?
Jacob: Stephanie, Dad wants you to pass him the green beans.
*Stephanie rolls her eyes, but hands Jacob the beans...and Jacob hands them to Jon, who dumps a huge pile on his plate*
Jon: Jake, ask your sister to pass the salt
Jake: Steph, Dad wants...
Stephanie: I know, I know...Jeez! If he'd stop acting so f***ing immature *she shoves the salt shaker in Jake's direction*
Mrs B: You watch your mouth, young lady!!
Stephanie: God, grandma, you'd think you never heard....
Mrs B: AND DON'T YOU TAKE THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN!!!!
Stephanie: (mumbling) Whatever
Jon: Jake, tell your sister to pass the Jell-o
Jake: Steph...
Stephanie: HERE, Dad *she gets up and shoves the dish into Jon's hands*
Dorothea: has anyone seen Jesse?
As if on cue, Jesse struts into the dining room....but he doesn't look like the Jesse they're used to: He is wearing ultra-baggy cargo pants, a tight white tank top, and a baseball cap on sideways. When he sits at the table, he takes off his cap and hangs it on the chair, revealing a bleached-out buzz cut with a single black stripe running from his forehead to the back of his neck. Everyone stares at him in horror......and Jon drops the dish of Jell-o he's holding, which crashes to the floor and breaks, splattering red goo all over.
Jesse: Yo family!
Stephanie: (laughing) Oh my god, will the real Slim Shady please stand up.
Jacob: You look like a skunk! ....SKUNK BOY!!
Dorothea: Jesse James Louis Bongiovi, what the hell did you do to yourself?!? *turns to Jon, who is staring open-mouthed* Jon! Say something to your son!!
Jon: Wh-wh-what d-did....Huh?
Jesse: Chill, y'all. (he stands up) Gangsta be what my head told me to do to keep it real, to be ME. And my name ain't anymore Jesse. That's a p*ssy name for little girls and p*ssies. I'm Outlaw....and I'm gonna be the most bad a** white rapper on the East Coast....or the West Coast.
Mrs. B: (Crosses herself and starts mumbling in the direction of the ceiling)
Stephanie and Jake: (singing) Won't the real Slim Shady please stand up, please stand up, please stand up....
Jake: SKUNK BOY!! HA HA!
Jesse/Outlaw: Shut up. I'm gonna be bigger than that p*ssy Eminem.
*Jon is still staring at Jesse in shock*
Dorothea: JON! SAY SOMETHING TO YOUR SON!!
Jon: B-b-but he's your son too...
Dorothea: (Glares at Jon)
Mrs B: (Continues praying)
Jesse/Outlaw: So what d'ya think, Dad? Can I borrow the studio tomorrow to lay down some rhymes?
Jon: Well....uh...I suppose....
Jesse/Outlaw: B*tchin' (He sits down and starts eating)
Jon: Stephanie, sweetie, can you ask Jesse to pass me the...

Later that night, while getting ready for bed, Jon and Dorothea are having a 'discussion' about Jesse's potential career as a rap artist.
Dorothea: I don't see why you're encouraging him in this!
Jon: I want to support his dreams. If no one supported my music career when I was his age, I've ended up spending my life flipping burgers for Huey's Dad
Dorothea: But rap career isn't music. Oh I hope this is just a phase...
Jon: But he might end up making it big! Either way I want to encourage him and his dreams
*Jon thinks a minute....then the truth comes out*
Jon: And this rap career thing might keep him from running off to join the NRA or the Michigan Militia or one of those other gun nut groups. If given the choice, I'd rather my son be a rapper than be living in a shack in the woods writing a manifesto.
Dorothea: How dare you say such things about my baby!!
Jon: I'm being realistic. Rapping is the first thing other than guns I've seen him take an interest in
Dorothea: You mean you don't see our son as anything other than a gun nut?!? THAT'S IT!! YOU'RE ON THE COUCH TONIGHT!!
*Dorothea grabs a pillow and blanket, shoves them into Jon's arms, pushes him out the door, and slams and locks it*
Jon: (to the closed door) I think you misunderstood me....

The next morning, as promised, Jon and Obie are waiting in the studio for Jesse/Outlaw. Jesse/Outlaw enters wearing his baggy pants and a T-shirt with a picture of a giant marijuana leaf on it.
Jesse/Outlaw: Yo! Yo! Yo! Da Outlaw is in da house!!!
Obie: Hey Jon! Check it out.... Will the real Slim Shady please stand up!
*Obie dances around the studio. Jesse/Outlaw glares at him*
Jon: Are you ready, Jess...I mean, Outlaw?
Jesse/Outlaw: Yo!
Obie (to Jon): That means "yes"
Jesse/Outlaw: (hands Obie a tape) Play this. This be my beats for my rhymes.
*Jon shows Jesse into the recording room and has him put on a pair of bulky headphones. Jon and Obie step into the booth*
Jon: Uh...Ok, son. Whenever you're ready...
Obie: (singing) Ice ice, baby!
Jesse: Hit it!
Obie (to Jon): That means he's ready
Jon: I know what that means
Jesse: I said HIT IT!!
*Obie flips a switch and the tape starts: A heavy drum and bass beat, accompanied by occasional guitar riffs sampled from Wanted Dead or Alive, fills Jesse/Outlaw's headphones. He waits....and begins rapping*
Jesse/Outlaw: Yo! I was drivin thru da 'hood wit my b*tches in back, they was givin me a %$#&$ and I was %$$@*%% 'em back.....
*Jesse/Outlaw continues his rap, which includes more %$#@!! with "b*tches", a run-in with a female cop, more %$#@&%!!, a high-speed chase to get away from a male cop that ends with both cops getting shot, and lots more &^%%$#. In fact, pretty much every other word is &^%$#$##@. Jon and Obie just sit in the booth, Obie is enjoying it, but Jon is paralized (and horrified) by what he's hearing*
Obie: Damn! That kid is GOOD! He's WAY better than Vanilla Ice
Jon: Where did he learn that stuff?? And what the hell is a $%&$#??
Obie: A $%&$# is when you....
*Obie leans over and whispers in Jon's ear. Jon's eyes get big*
Jon: In all my rock and roll party days, I never even heard of that!! And here's my son.....
Obie: But he IS good.
Jon: Uh....
*Jesse/Outlaw, having nailed the rap in his first take, comes into the sound booth*
Jesse/Outlaw: Whatcha think?
Obie: Dude! That rocked!
Jesse/Outlaw: Dad?
Jon: Uh....
Obie: You really got something there, Jess (he hands Jesse/Outlaw the tape of his rap)
*Jesse/Outlaw takes the tape and heads toward the door of the studio*
Jesse/Outlaw: B*tchin! Thanks, Ob! Thanks Dad! I gotta go play this for Mom, Steph, Jake, and Grandma!
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Old 07-02-2003, 05:58 PM
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Chino Chino is offline
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Don't you have to go to work??? or school??? anything better to do?
Chino
*I dindn't read it
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Old 07-02-2003, 06:14 PM
SpainSambora SpainSambora is offline
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Sambora Laura, you are a genius!
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Old 07-02-2003, 10:48 PM
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And here are mine all proofread and edited.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Midnight in Chelsea (Even though it's 3 am and this is not a solo tour and the band aren't even in Chelsea)

*It is 3 am and Jon is sleeping in his hotel room. Suddenly a loud, mangled version of "You Give Love a Bad Name" starts playing. Jon wakes up and groans. He tries to go back to sleep, but the noise is too loud. After a few minutes of trying in vain to sleep, Jon hears a knock on the hotel door. He crawls out of bed to answer the door, too tired to wonder who would knock at the door at this ungodly hour. Jon answers the door to find Richie (clad only in a pair of boxer shorts and looking just as groggy as Jon).*

Richie: Jon, answer your cell. That noise is driving me crazy!
Jon: My cell? What cell?
Richie: Your brain cell.
Jon: I didn't know people could answer their brain cells. What do brain cells ask, anyway?
Richie: Don't you get sarcasm?! Answer your cell phone!!!!!
Jon: But what about my---
Richie: Just answer it!
Jon: But what about that noise?
Richie: That's how your cell phone rings.
Jon: But phones aren't supposed to play "You Give Love a Bad Name".
Richie: JUST ANSWER THE THING!!!!

*Jon hunts around in the dark for his cell phone but can't find it. Richie turns on the room lights.*

Richie: Better?
Jon: MY EYES!!!!!!!! THEY BURN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Jon finds and answers the phone after a LOT of help from Richie.*

Jon: Uh, hello?
Mrs. B: Jon, dear, we need to talk.
Jon: You sound angry mom. Is everything all right?
Mrs. B: Far from it! It seems that you wrote a very unflattering song about me and it's just floating around so everyone can hear it!
Jon: Mom, this isn't the time. It's 3 in the morning and I have a show tomorrow. Could this wait, please?
Mrs. B: Oh, no. You aren't getting off easy on this one. In this song, "Standing" I believe you call it, you called me a b****!
Jon: No, you misunderstood. I said "I'm a son of a b****".
Mrs. B: Which makes me the b****, right?
Jon: No! It's just a song. It has nothing to do with you. Remember "Blaze of Glory?" I sang that I was the devil's son.
Mrs. B: So now I'm a devil AND a b****, am I?
Jon: Mom I---
Mrs. B: How dare you say those things about your mother! I'm not going to call you ever again!

*Mrs. Bongiovi hangs up the phone leaving Jon somewhat shaken. Jon stares up at Richie who is still standing next to him. By now, Jon's eyes have adjusted to the light, enabling him to make a most ingenious observation.*

Jon: Rich, you're wearing my boxer shorts.
Richie: No way, man. These are mine!
Jon: Then why do they have my last name written all over them?
Richie: There are Bon Jovi boxers out there. I bought this pair online.
Jon: Who in their right mind would sell boxers with my name on them over the internet?
Richie: Your mom.
Jon: You mean that devilish b****?!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dave's Emergency (otherwise known as the shortest Bongiovis episode ever)

*The guys are about to enter a press conference when all of a sudden, Dave gets a look of urgency on his face.*

Dave: Uh. Guys?
Jon: Oh, no.
Dave: Can I be excused?
Tico: Aye carumba! Not again!
Dave: Really, I have to.
Richie: Not now, David!
Dave: But I---
Jon: Couldn't you have done it earlier?
Dave: But I didn't have to, then.
Tico: Why does this always happen at the most inconveinient times?
Dave: But it's an emergency! I have to write a musical NOW!!!!!!!!!!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
These Days Photo Shoot and Interview

Just to make things interesting, I decided to set this one in the These Days era. Also, it has nothing to do with Jon's family. Because of these reasons, you may not consider it an "official" Bongiovis episode, but it's written in the same style. (Note: I have nothing against the album These Days. Do not be offended by any negative commentary about the album in the storyline because it's FICTION. My opinions are not neccesarily reflected by any character in the epidose. I'm just doing this to poke fun at all those heated debates about the album that we have seen on this board recently.)

*The year is 1995. Jon, Richie, Dave, and Tico are doing a photo shoot and interview for a magazine to promote their latest album, These Days. The photographer is about to take his first picture of the band when someone screams "WAIT!" Huey comes running over very out-of-breath.*

Huey: Sorry I'm late, guys.
Tico: Huey, you're not supposed to be here.
Huey: Why not? I'm Bon Jovi's new bassist, right? I replaced what's-his-name, didn't I?
Jon: You didn't actually replace him. Oh, how do I explain this...?
*Huey starts sulking. Dave pats Huey on the back to comfort him.*
Dave: Don't worry, Huey.
*Dave gives Huey a baseball and bat.*
Dave: You can play with these until the photo shoot and interview are done.
*Huey takes the baseball and bat and walks of rather confused. Everybody else stares at Dave like he's crazy.*
Dave: What? It always works with my kids!
*Now alone, Huey decides that he has nothing else better to do than to play baseball. He throws the ball up in the air and hits it. The ball flies through the air until it's out of sight.*
Huey: Yeah! Home run!
*Huey victoriously runs around until he realizes that he no longer has a baseball to play with and goes back to sulking.*

*Meanwhile, the photo shoot is over for everyone except Jon. Jon is doing some extra photos just so all those girls who are more interested in looking at Jon's toes than listening to the band's music will buy the magazine. The rest of the band are doing the interview. They know Jon's photo shoot may take a while, so they're starting off without him.*

Interviewer: So, how would you describe your newest album, These Days?
Richie: I think it's a very positive album. Our songwriting and our music reflect the way we feel, and we've been feeling better than ever. At least I am. I'm happily married, my carear as a guitarist has been going great, and my life in general couldn't be better. That whole attitude just kind of carried over while making These Days.
Tico: The album is very enjoyable. I know I enjoyed doing it.
Dave: These Days is the greatest thing we've ever done!
Interviewer: I'd like to ask some questions about the songs. Why don't I play the album while asking the questions? Do you mind?
Tico: Not at all! Go right ahead.
*The interviewer puts on the album which starts playing Lie to Me.*
Interviewer: These Days has many more heart-breaking love ballads than any of your other previous albums. Why is that?
*Richie, Dave, and Tico pause for a moment to think of answers but their minds wander off to the lyrics of the song. Dave gets teary-eyed.*
Richie: What the hell were we thinking?????
Dave: I never realized how upsetting These Days really is!
Tico: Aye carumba!
Richie: How did Jon convince us to put on all this depressing s***? I mean, This Ain't a Love Song was OK, but Lie to Me, Hearts Breaking Even, Letting You Go-
Dave: Letting You Go? I've never heard of that one before. When did we do it?
Richie: You never did do it. Jon wanted that one on badly and he knew you guys wouldn't like it, so he forced me to do the song with him in secret.
*Tico smacks his forehead repeatedly while Dave runs off. He comes back a while later with a box of tissues and a bottle of andi-depressant pills. The interviewer decides to lay off for a while.*
Tico: This is not going to be a happy tour.
Richie: I do not want to be playing these c*** songs for the next five years. This is the worst album we've made since Fahrenheit!
*Jon enters as Tico and Richie glare at him. Dave is too buisy guzzling anti-depressant pills to notice. The interviewer just kind of sits there. Jon does not look to pleased, himself and he is not wearing any shoes.*
Jon: What did you guys do with my shoes?
Richie: Well, what did YOU do to our album?
Jon: Come on. This isn't funny.
Richie: Exactly. It isn't.
Jon: I mean, is there some big joke going around. The photographer wanted shots of me grabbing my feet for who-knows-what reason, so I take off my shoes, do the photos, and when I go to put my shoes back on, they're not there. The photographer and I looked everywhere and couldn't find them, so one of you guys must have them. Now, FORK 'EM OVER!
Richie: I have no idea where your shoes are. Can we talk about more serious matters such as our album?
Jon: OK, whatever, but if i get a piece of glass lodged in my heel, there's gonna be hell to pay.

*Meanwhile, Huey throws up one of Jon's shoes and hits it with his baseball bat. The shoe, like the baseball before it, sails out of sight.*
Huey: Yeah! Home run!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alec John Such vs These Days

*Alec is buisy going through his mail. He sorts out all the junk mail (addressed to "Alex John Such") and throws it away. He then sorts out all the hate mail ("Alec, you traitor! Why did you disgrace Bon Jovi?!") and throws that away, too. He then goes through all the fan mail ("We miss you and will always love you, Alec!") and throws that away as well. How all those people were able to find his address, I do not know. So, don't aske me.
Things have been rather quiet for Alec over the past year since he left Bon Jovi. All that is about to change when he finds a thick package in his mail....*
Alec: Hey, I didn't order anything!
*Alec opens the package and finds a magazine with a picture of Jon, Richie, Tico, and David on the front cover. There is a message written at the bottom.*

Wish you were here!
Richie, Dave, and Tico


*Alec winces. Since he has nothing else better to do, he flips through the magazine. His eyes fill with anger as he discovers a fold-out picture of Jon grabbing his right foot and looking innocently at the camera. Alec grabs a pencil and starts stabbing the picture of Jon.*
Alec: DIE! DIE! DIEDIEIDIEIDIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Alec tosses the magazine on the floor. He looks in the package to see if anything else is there. He finds a letter and reads it.*

Dear Alec,
It's been a while since we last talked and I just wanted to know how you were doing. I heard you got in another motor bike accident. Are you OK? I hope it wasn't too bad.
David, Tico, Jon, and I are doing great. You might have heard that we have a new record out. It was nice to work on an actual record, but to me, it wasn't the same without you. Tico and David agree. I asked Jon how he felt about it when he forced me to do this one song with him, but he wouldn't give me an answer.
Now that I think about it, he did give me an answer without actually saying it. I realized how many depressing ballads there were on the album about breaking up and stuff, and started thinking: maybe Jon's not writing love songs. Maybe he's been writing about how he's been missing you, all along!
I thought you probably weren't going to buy the album, so I sent you a free copy enclosed in this package. Take a listen and tell me what you think. I reccomend Letting You Go and Lie to Me, if you know what I mean. I also sent you a magazine to give you a little more... um... information about the album. You're going to have to skip through a lot of pages of Jon, though. I hope you enjoy the album!
Your buddy,
Richie


*Alec picks up the package and shakes it. A CD copy of These Days falls out of the package and onto the floor. Alec stares at the album in horror.*
Alec: Aw hell!
*Alec exits the room and comes back wearing one of those yellow suits that people wear when handling radioactive chemicals. Don't ask me where he got it. Alec picks up the CD with a pair of tongs and inserts it into a CD player. After the first three songs, Alec gets sick to his stomach and runs into the bathroom to vomit. A while later he starts writing a letter to Richie.*

Dear Richie,
What the f*** were you guys thinking when you made this album? It's complete s***! Of course, I blame it all on that b****** Jon. If I were you, I'd quit as I have. Bon Jovi is going to hell.


*Just as Alec is about to write his next sentence, Jon's shoe comes crashing through the window and hits Alec square on the forehead knocking him silly. Don't ask me how that shoe stayed airborne for that long.*
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Invasion of the Geese

*Jon wakes up one fine morning and is ready to greet the day. He thrusts open the curtains on the bedroom window and gazes out into the vast backyard. Jon hears a honking noise from overhead and a solitary goose lands in hin backyard. He thinks nothing of the goose. Then, about a thousand more of them arive.*
Jon: Why does this happen every year?

*Aggrivated, Jon drags himself down the stairs to find his trusty dog, Copper.*
Jon: Hey Copper! Here boy! Copper, where are you?
*Copper lies dozing on the couch.*
Jon: There you are, Copper. Now, what did I say about sleeping on the furniture?
*Copper gazes at Jon sleepily.*
Jon: Copper, I got a job for you. See those geese? I want you to chase 'em away.
*Copper yawns.*
Jon: Go on, Copper. Get the geese, boy!
*Jon tries to get Copper excited by clapping and running around. Copper stares at Jon as if he has just lost his mind. Jon gets discouraged when he sees that his dog is not responding.*
Jon: You lazy mutt. I don't know why I even bothered. Guess I gotta get rid of those geese by myself.

*Jon puts on rain boots and grabs the only weapon he can find to battle the geese: an old acoustic guitar. As he heads to the back door, he passes by his daughter, Stephanie.*
Stephanie: Dad, what are you doing?
Jon: I'm getting rid of the geese in the backyard.
Stephanie: Why? What have those geese done to you?
Jon: It's not about what they have done, it's about what they WILL do. You know what geese like to leave on private property, right.
Stephanie: So you're going to chase them away with a guitar?
Jon: Hey, it's the first thing I saw, so I'm using it.
*Jon makes his way to the back door.*
Stephanie: Mom!!!!! Dad's being weird, again!!!!!!!!!

*Jon turns the knob to open the door.*
Jon: OK, geese, it's you or me.
*Jon boldly steps out into the backyard to confront the geese. He raises the guitar above his head and screams a battle cry.*
Jon: WHO WANTS A PIECE OF ME?!?!?!
*All the geese turn their heads toward Jon. They start honking madly. Jon runs through the yard swinging his guitar all the while. The geese run around frantically and take flight. They swoop behind Jon and start chasing and pecking at him. Jon makes a mad dash to the door, opens it, and runs inside the house, slamming the door behind him. About ten or twenty geese colide into the door. In the house, Jon is panting heavily. Then, he realizes that he dropped his guitar as the geese were chasing him. He has no choice but to go out and retrieve it.
Again, he opens the door and cautiously steps outside. He is almost instantly bombarded by the geese. Some of the geese are holding roses in their beaks. They throw the roses at Jon. Two of the geese are holding up a sign that says "WE LOVE YOU JON!" A few others are holding up a poster that says "Play Bed of Roses". Very confused, Jon goes back into the house. The disappointed geese start honking at him.
Jon decides to do the only logical thing at this point: call Dave.*

Dave: Hello?
Jon: Hey, Dave. It's Jon.
Dave: Oh, hi Jon. What's up?
Jon: Dave, you are not going to believe this, but there are about a thousand geese in my yard. I tried to chase them off, but they won't leave until I sing Bed of Roses for them.
*There is a long pause.*
Dave: And your point is...
Jon: Could you come over here and bring your piano?
Dave: I don't believe a single word you say, but I'll come over. Don't know why, but I will.
Jon: Thanks, Dave. You're the greatest.

*An hour later, a small truck pulls into Jon's driveway. Dave is sitting in the back next to the piano and is playing Vanessa Carlton's song 1000 Miles. As the truck comes to a stop, Dave and two men get out to unload the piano. Jon comes out to greet Dave.*

Dave: So where are all these geese?
Jon: Follow me.
*Jon and Dave go into the house and look through a window to the backyard where the geese are waiting impatiently.*
Dave: No way.
Jon: Yep.
Dave: This is insane.
Jon: Uh huh. Let's just get it over with.

*Dave and Jon push Dave's piano into the yard. The geese start screaming with joy. Dave starts playing the piano and Jon sings Bed of Roses. The geese go wild. One goose gets pushed forward right in front of Jon. The goose flies up so she is face-to-face with Jon. Jon takes the cue and starts dancing with the goose. After the dance, the goose gives Jon a little peck on the cheek (no pun intended). Jon continues with the song. As soon as Dave and Jon are done playing the song, the geese cheer enthusiasticly and throw more roses at them.
Just then, Copper comes roaring out on a go-cart and scares all the geese away.*
Jon: Hmm, maybe Copper isn't so lazy after all....
Dave: Now why did your dog have to do that? I wanted to play In These Arms for them!

*Where are the geese off to now? Richie's house, of course!*
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Bongiovis Flashbacks: PARTY IN VANCOUVER!!!!!!!!!

*The year is 1986. Jon, Dave, Tico, Richie, and Alec are in Vancouver to record their third studio album. Durning their stay, they are living in a little, pink condo. And making a mess of it. Oh boy, there goes the neighborhood.

It is approximately 11:00 pm on a Monday night. Jon, Richie, and Tico are hanging out and joking around by the kitchen in the condo. Alec is in the bedroom trying his best to get some sleep. Dave enters the bedroom wearing light blue pyjamas and dragging a large, brown teddy bear beside him. He stops at Alec's bed and starts poking the half-asleep Alec.*
Dave: I can't sleep.
*Alec groans. Dave continues poking Alec.*
Dave: I can't sleep.
Alec: That makes two of us.
Dave: Richie, Jon, and Tico are being noisey.
Alec: You don't have to tell ME that.
Dave: Can I sleep with you, Mommy?
Alec: Dave, we've been through this before. I AM NOT YOUR MOMMY!
*Richie runs in the room with a look of pure anger on his face. He eyes Dave with rage.*
Richie: Hey, that's my teddy bear!
Dave: No it's not!
Richie: You stole my teddy!
*Dave jumps onto Alec's bed.*
Dave: Mommy, save me!
Alec: I'm not your mommy!
*Richie jumps onto the bed as well and starts grabbing for the teddy bear.*
Richie: Gimme it!
Dave: No!
Alec: Get off of me!
*Dave jumps off the bed and runs out of the room. Richie chases after him. They run down the short hallway to where Tico and Jon are standing. Tico grabs Dave by the collar and Richie crashes into Jon.*
Tico: What is all the fuss about?
Richie: Dave stole my teddy and he won't give it back.
Dave: But it's MINE!
Richie: No it's not!
Dave: Yes it is!
Tico: Richie! David! If you two can't stop fighting over the bear, then Jon gets to keep it.
*Tico pulls the teddy bear from Dave and gives it to Jon.*
Jon: Yay!
Tico: Now let's all get to bed. We've had enough exitement for tonight and we've got work tomorrow.
*Tico heads for the bedroom. Jon puts the teddy bear on his shoulders and starts singing.*
Jon: I'm a cow-bear. On a Jonny-horse I ride....

*It's Tuesday morning and the band is getting ready to go to the recording studio. Jon, Tico, and Alec are standing by the front door, ready to go, but Dave and Richie are not.*
Jon: What's taking you guys so long?
Richie: I have to find my other shoe.
*Richie puts on his shoes, goes over to Jon's bed, and grabs the teddy bear. He hides it under his bed, and joins the others at the front door.*
Alec: Dave, hurry up!
Dave: One minute, Mommy.
Alec: I am not your mother!
*Dave searches for the teddy bear on Jon's bed. He doesn't find it so he looks for it on Riche's bed. He finally finds the bear and hides it in his bedsheets. He then joins the others and they leave for the recording studio.*

*It is now Tuesday night. The time is approximately 9:00 pm. Tico is lying on the couch smoking a cigarette. Richie, Jon, and Dave are lounging around on the floor. All are half-dressed.*
Richie: I'm bored. Are you guys bored?
Tico: Yeah, I'm bored.
Jon: Me too.
Dave: I bet I'm boreder than you.
Jon: How bored are you?
Dave: Very bored.
Jon: No, you're not as bored as me.
*Alec enters with a large shopping bag.*
Alec: Hey, guys. I got some donuts and a few sixpacks. Anybody want some?
Tico: Donuts?
Richie: Beer?
Jon: Yes!
Dave: Thank you, Mommy!
Alec: Dave, I'm not your mother!

*It is now Wednesday morning and all the guys have hangovers. They are guzzling cup after cup of coffee except for Tico who is drinking it straight out of the pot.*
Richie: My coffee tastes funny.
Jon: Well, put some sugar in it.
Richie: I did.
Jon: Put some more in.
*Richie grabs a half-finished bottle of beer and pours it into his coffee.*
Richie: Doesn't taste any better.
Jon: That's cause you're putting beer in your coffee.
Richie: Oh, no wonder.
*Richie gulps down the rest of his coffee and then drinks the rest of the beer.*

*It is Wednesday night, about 10:30pm. Jon, Richie, and Alec are hanging around on the couch. They hear music comming from the bedroom.*
Alec: What is that noise?
Jon: I think it's called Mozart. Dave must be playing one of his old opera records.
Richie: Ouch. That stuff is painful to listen to.
*Half an hour later, the music is still playing, but Jon, Richie, and Alec don't care. Richie and Alec are having a contest to see who can smoke the most cigarettes in ten minutes. Jon is keeping score. Alec finishes a cigarette, throws it on the floor, and starts smoking a new one.*
Jon: And Alec pulls ahead!
*Dave walks by and accidenatlly steps on a discarded cigarette butt. The cigarette hasn't been totally put out and it burns a hole through Dave's sock.*
Dave: Ow!
Alec: Dave!
Richie: We gotta get him help!
*Richie and Alec pick up Dave and rush him over to the kitchen.*
Richie: WEEEEOOOOOOOWWEEEEEEEOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Alec: Do you HAVE to make the siren noises.
*Richie and Alec rush into the kitchen carrying Dave. Richie sticks Dave's foot in the sink and turns on the cold water.*
Dave: Eep!
*Richie sticks his head out of the kitchen and calls to Jon.*
Richie: Dr. Bon Jovi, report to the emergency room! We need bandages! I repeat, we need bandages!
*Jon runs off to get some bandages and dashes into the kitchen.*
Jon: Where do you want the bandages?
Alec: On his foot!
Jon: But his foot's in the water!
Dave: Help!
*The doorbell rings.*
Richie: I'll get it!
*Richie answers the door and finds a few cops standing outside.*
Cop: We've gotten several phone calls about you....
*Jon and Alce are still in the kitchen with Dave, making a big mess.*
Alec: I can't hold him much longer!
Dave: Mommy!
Alec: Stop calling me Mommy!
Jon: Dave, everything's gonna be fine. Just hold on!
Alec: I'm the one who's holding him!
*The cops enter the kitchen.*
Cop: We're going to have to evict you for disturbing the peace.
Dave: Mommy!
Cop: Where is that loud music comming from?
Jon: It's one of Dave's old reccords.
Dave: But I wasn't playing any reccords.
*The cops walk down the hallway to the bedroom where the music is playing. They break down the door to find Tico singing opera- completely naked. The cops immediately turn their heads away.*
Cop: Oops excuse me. Um... er... we're evicting you for disturbing the peace.
Tico: Is what I'm doing a crime? Is it illegal to go to bed nude in Vancouver?
Cop: Um... no... but we still have to evict you.
Tico: Can I at least put some clothes on before you kick me out?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Karate- Bon Jovi Style

*Jon is sitting at the table, sipping a cup of coffee. Dorothea enters the room and sits down next to him. She gentely rubs his shoulder.*
Dorothea: Honey...
Jon: Mmm?
Dorothea: Can we talk?
*Jon gazes into Dorothea's eyes. He gives her a relaxed smile. Taking his expression as a "yes", Dorthea continues.*
Dorothea: You're not busy this afternoon, are you?
Jon: Um... I don't think so.
Dorothea: I'd like you to help me out with someting.
Jon: I'll help you with anything, baby.
*Jon continues to gaze at her. Dorothea puts on a more serious expression. Jon's smile fades.*
Dorothea: I've been asked to instruct a class of gifted karate students at the dojo. It's a large class, so I hired four assistants to help me. Unfortunately, they all called in sick today. There must be some illness going around. I've asked other people to help me out, but they're all busy. You're my last hope, Jon.
Jon: Dorothea, I'm sorry, honey, but I can't help you.
Dorothea: Why not? You said that you weren't buisy.
Jon: I'm not buisy, but... I'm sick.
Dorothea: I'm not buying it, Jon.
Jon: Really! I have allergies!
*Jon fakes a sneeze. Dorothea slowly shakes her head.*
Dorthea: Jon, it's either this or painting the hallway pink. Take your pick.
Jon: OK, OK, OK! I'll help you out with the karate class.
Dorothea: Great! Thank you so much! Now let me call your friends.
*Dorothea kisses Jon and exits the room.*
Jon: Damn! Why do I always get mixed up in these things!

*Jon and his friends (namely Richie, Tico, and Dave) are in one of the little back rooms at the dojo putting on their karate uniforms. Each one has a look of disgust on his face.*
Richie: I think I speak for all of us when I say we wouldn't be doing this if we were asked by someone other than your wife, Jon.
Jon: Yeah, yeah, I know she's convincing.
Dave: Just because you have the day off, she assumes that we all have the day off. I wanted to spend some quality time with my kids- not... with... someone else's kids.
Jon: Hey, don't blame me. This wasn't my idea.
Tico: I don't know the first thing about karate!
Richie: It's simple. The kids go up to Dot and they bow, and then they say to her, "Teach me the way of the whooping crane, Bon-sama." And she says something like, "Be patient, my young sea turtles. Your time shall come." Then, they strike these fighting poses and start beating the snot out of each other. Only they have to do it in a style that's a cross between boxing and ballet.
*They all loosen up a bit and laugh.*
Jon: Yeah, that's my understanding of karate, too. Only they don't call her "Bon-sama". They call her "Sensei" or something like that.
Dave: So, where do we fit in?
Jon: In all honesty, Dave, I don't know where we fit in.
Tico: This is starting to scare me.
Jon: Tico, don't tie your belt in a bow.

*The guys are fully dressed in their uniforms. They enter the gym in which Dorothea will be teaching the class. Dorothea, who is already there, greets them.*
Dorothea: I'm so glad that all of you could help me out. You have no idea how greatful I am.
*The guys smile, uneasily.*
Richie: So... uh... what are we supposed to do, anyway?
Dorothea: You just have to keep an eye on the students. There are about fifty or so of them, so I can't tend to all of them at once. Just check to see if they're bending their knees correctly, if they need help, and things like that. If they're roughousing, break up the fights. I don't want any of them to beat each other up.
*The students enter the gym. Dorothea motions for the guys to greet the students with her. As they walk to the students, Dave whispers to Dorothea.*
Dave: Why do they wear colored belts?
Dorothea: The belts show how experienced a person is in karate. If you have a white belt, you're a beginner. If you have a black belt, you are at the most advanced stage. The colored belts are intermediate.
*Dave looks down at his white belt and pouts.
The students line up. Dorothea, Jon, Tico, David, and Richie face them. The students and Dorothea bow to each other. Getting the idea, Jon bows. He nudges the others to do the same. After they all rise, Dorothea introduces her new "assistants" to the students.
Dorothea gives the students some instructions. The students do some basic exercises. They then partner up to practice with each other. Dorothea and her "assistants" split up to moniter the students on all parts of the gym.*

*Dave approaches a boy and a girl who are practicing punching tecniques.*
Dave: Do you kids need any help?
Boy: No.
Dave: Are you bending your knees the right way?
Girl: You don't know the first thing about karate, do you?

*Jon finds two boys fighting. One boy is furiously beating up the other.*
Jon: Hey you guys, break it up, OK?
*The first boy punches the second square in the face. Jon grabs the first boy around the chest and forcefully pulls him away. The boy starts kicking and struggling to free himself from Jon's grasp. Jon has trouble holding the boy and eventually loosens his grasp. The boy escapes and immediately starts attacking his partner.*
Jon: Dorothea! Help!

*Richie sees a little girl standing all alone. She looks slightly scared and confused. Richie approches the little girl. and kneels down to her level.*
Richie: Hey. What're you doing? Do you have a partner?
Girl: No.
Richie: Want me to be your partner?
Girl: OK.
Richie: What's your name?
Girl: Kimmi
Richie: Alright, Kimmi. How about we spar a little bit. Don't worry. I won't hurt you and you probably won't hurt me either.
Kimmi: You're supposed to stand up when you fight.
*Richie gets off of his knees and stands up. He makes two fists, pretending to look tough.*
Richie: OK, now. Throw me a punch, Kimmi. Give it all you've got!
*Kimmi makes a fist. She forcefully pushes her arm foreward.*
Kimmi: Kee-ya!
*Kimmi's punch is so quick that Richie has almost no time to react. Since Kimmi is about half of Richies height, her punch landed squarely in Richie's most sesitive weak spot. Richie winces and keels over. Kimmi looks at Richie, a little worried.*
Kimmi: Sensei! I think I knocked out Mr. Richie!
*Jon and Dave both hear Kimmi calling out. They rush to her and find Richie moaning in pain.*
Jon: Rich? You alright?
*Richie moans while Dave turns to face Kimmi.*
Dave: Did you do this?
Kimmi: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt Mr. Richie.
*Dave kneels down and pats her on the back.*
Dave: Woah! Nice job, there! I wouldn't be able to do that to Richie, even if I tred. Good work, kid!
Jon: David!
Dave: Oops. Sorry.
Jon: Just get Richie an ice pack. Tico and I will-
Dave: Will what?
Jon: Where is Tico, anyway?
Dave: The last time I saw him, he was by that door over there.
Jon: He must've run off. I'll get him. You take care of Richie.

*Jon runs down a hallway looking for Tico.*
Jon: Hey Teek! Tico! Where the hell are you?
*He turns down several more hallways and ends up in a small room. He scans the room and finds Tico leaning against a vending machine while smoking a cigarette.*
Jon: Teek! There you are! What were you running off for?
Tico: Did you see what that little kid did to Richie? Think about what an older kid could do to him! I am not going to let anybody kick me where it hurts! There is no way in hell I'm going back there.
Jon: Tico, we've been in worse situations than this. Besides, we made a promise to Dorothea.
Tico: Promise or no promise, I'm not going back. I'm getting too old for this kind of stuff, Jon.
Jon: You're not old, Tico. You're just older.
Tico: That joke's getting old.
Jon: No, it's just older.
Tico: WILL YOU KNOCK IT OFF?!
Jon: Look, you can't stay in here forever. You gotta come back with me.
*Tico puts out his cigarette, drops it on the floor, and clings to the vending machine. Jon pulls him back by the colar.*
Jon: If you don't come back, you'll get hurt a lot worse by my wife. Believe me, she packs more of a punch than some little girl.
Tico: Jon, you got a point, there.

*Jon and Tico return to the gym. The students are all doing push-ups under Dorothea's watchful eyes. Richie is sitting in a chair with an ice pack between his legs. Dave is sitting on the floor next to him. Jon and Tico walk over to join them.*
Dave: Hey Tico, where did you run off to?
Tico: Long story.
Jon: How you doin', Richie?
Richie: I'm OK.
Dave: Yeah, he started talking normally just a few minutes ago.
*Richie gives Dave a little kick.*
Tico: So what are they doing now?
Dave: Well, since you and Jon were gone and Richie was, well, out of comission, Dorothea didn't want the kids to get out of hand. So, she called them all together and made them do push-ups until you guys came back.
*Jon, Tico, and Dave walk over to Dorothea.*
Jon: We're back.
Dorothea: Where have you been?
Tico: Don't ask.
*Dorothea turns to the students, who by now are sick and tired of push-ups.*
Dorothea: OK, everyone. You can stop doing push-ups. Now, we're going to practice the different types of kicking.
*The door bursts open and four ninjas break in.*
Dave: Is this part of the lesson?
Dorothea: No. I have no idea what this is.
Jon: Maybe we should get out of here.
Dorothea: No, you can stay put. Just stand back.
*Dorothea approaches the four ninjas.*
Dorothea: Excuse me, but I don't think your in the right place.
*All four ninjas strike fighting poses.*
Dorothea: Oh, so is that what you've come here for?
*Dorothea takes a fighting stance. The four ninjas rush at her. The first one takes a swing at her. She grabs the ninja's fist in one hand and gives him an upercut. She then pushes him to the floor. The second ninja attacks her from behind. Dorothea elbows him in the gut and punches him. The second ninja falls backwards onto the third ninja. The third ninja struggles to get out from under the second. The fourth ninja swings his leg in a side kick aiming for Dorothea's head. She grabs his leg and flips him over on his stomach. The defeated ninjas crawl away from Dorothea. Once they are a safe distance from her, the remove their masks to reveal that they are Dorothea's original four assistants.*
Dorothea: Hey, I thought you guys were sick.
Assistant 1: Sorry, Sensei.
Assistant 2: We thought that if we called in sick, we could...
Dorothea: You could what?
Assistant 2: It was her idea!
Assistant 3: It was not! Still we came up with this plan...
Assistant 4: And we thought it would work out. You see, we wanted to meet...
Assistant 1: THERE HE IS!!!!!!!
*All four assistants run to Jon and grovel at his feet.*
Assistant 3: Is this for real? I've gotta be dreaming! He's even hotter in person!
*The assistant touches Jon's ankle and runs her finger around his tattoo.*
Assistant 4: I can't believe that after all these years I am finally basking in the glow of his pressence!
Assistant 2: Can I have your autograph, Bon-sama?
Jon: Be patient, my young sea turtles. Your time shall come.
Assistants: Huh?
Richie: He stole my line!
Tico: And of course they act like we don't exist.
Dave: I think we should be greatful for that.
*The three of them watch as the assistants cling to Jon until they pull him over.*
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  #9  
Old 07-03-2003, 10:53 PM
Sambora_Laura Sambora_Laura is offline
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Join Date: 15 Aug 2002
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Spainsambora, thankyou for calling me a Genius!

Chino, get a life you sad git. Things like this are called FUN...


The episode I'm working on will hopefully be up tonight or tomorrow, but I am having some serious troubles accessing the boards lately, so I can't promise- but I will try my damnedest, as I'm going away for a week on Saturday! Argh! Deadlines!


Anyway!
Speak soon

Love
Laura
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Old 07-04-2003, 08:15 PM
Sambora_Laura Sambora_Laura is offline
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At last!
My Problems logging in have stopped!


And the episode is sooooo close to being finished, it's not true!

I can exclusively reveal, that it involves a trip to the cinema....



Speak soon!

Love
Laura
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